I can see my relationship ending because of depression

[pleasebehappy]

I recently started a new relationship (literally two weeks ago) after three years of preparing myself to be a better person, as well as a better girlfriend. It was going great initially when my boyfriend admitted having a crush on me since 7 months ago. But as soon as I realised I loved him, things changed. I was paranoid and anxious. I kept thinking he would dump me like other boys did. I questioned his love. I tried so hard to persuade him that I wasn't the right one for him, so that he would leave me before I loved him further. 

He got sick of how difficult I was. I didn't feel like telling him I had depression, since I thought it would mean that I was giving myself an excuse for being difficult. Besides, he didn't understand what depression was when I mentioned the damage mental disorders could have on young people. And I didn't explain to him, because honestly, saying 'I have depression' is the hardest thing on earth.

I want to continue this relationship. But how?

[yesse]

Hey pleasebehappy I'm sorry to hear how you feel I'm new to this whole forum thing but I understand how you feel I myself don't understand how one can make a deep connection with someone when you hate yourself. 

In my opinion you have to ask yourself wether its love if you think he could never understand your situation. If you think he could you should tell him as hard as it is and as emotional as you would get, if he rejects you he's not worth it.

Wish you well and lots of e-hugs 

[geoff]

dear PBH, welcome to this site and this also includes Yesse.

What does happen to us when we have depression is that we are always doubting whether or not that this new and old relationship will ever work out, which means that we are on 'the back burner' all the time, so instead of relinquishing in the affection and perhaps baby love, which is always so beautiful, we tend to judge what we think the other person will think of us if they know that we do have depression.

So basically you have a 50/50 chance of this person accepting this illness and wanting to help you through it, and don't forget that he has had a cruse on you for 7 months, so he must idolise you, and would have been watching everything you did, and wishing in that 7 months he could form a connection with you, so now he has, and he might be a very tolerable type person.

I remember when my wife ( ex) was going out with someone else, I knew that she was highly prone to have depression, in that she just closed up, but this only made me more determined to, well, have her, which I did and she was my only girlfriend, well you see I went to private boys school and had no regular interaction with girls in my age group, anyway her depression didn't turn me away, it made me more appealing.

OK let me put it to you that yes we have depression and know what it has done to our lives, but did this chap ever tell you of his shortfalls, because no one is perfect, as I'm sure that he some desires, hobbies maybe, or interests, perhaps wishes that do go against your grain, but these will come out as the relationship matures in age, that is as time passes.

Let yourself relax with this chap who thinks the world of you, and take it as it comes.

So what I am saying is don't put up a barrier even before everything happens, take advantage of this new love life. L Geoff. x

[pleasebehappy]

thank you so much for the support! I will definitely try to see this new relationship as an opportunity to find my real self. I will try to find a way to tell him what I'm going through.

[pleasebehappy]

I will take my chances and let him know what I'm going through. I suppose the earlier I reveal the dark side of myself, the better.

[geoff]

dear PBH, why don't you say to him 'I will tell you something about myself if you tell me something which you maybe hiding from me', or however which makes you feel comfortable.

Another way is to ask him if he has heard of Beyond Blue and then extrapolate from there on, by all means tell him, because that's what you want to do, and there are two sides to this a serious side or medium side, in that I would approach this in the latter way, just because it's slowly opening up to him, and don't forget his little tiny secrets. L Geoff. x

[pleasebehappy]

so I have finally told him about my 'secret' and he said he would love me no matter what. Sounds good, but I don't really believe that. Am I felling way too insecure?  I don't want to let him know that I don't believe him, but at the same time, I cannot help but feel upset every time I see him since I have a feeling he will leave me one day because of my emotional issues.

I really don't know how to enjoy being in a relationship

[geoff]

dear PBH, just go with the flow at the present time, because this initial feeling you will only build up and eventually end up with the same result.

Your not sure he will leave you, that's way down the track if it's going to happen, but at this present time he's with you, so try and relax and enjoy this time together. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear pleasebehappy

Firstly “well done” to you on telling your bf your ‘secret’.  Now, this is the same person who said he had a crush on you for 7 months.  And from what he’s just said (which by the way, Geoff had said he would, and even me just reading through this, I knew he would as well) he’s going to love you and be there for you no matter what.

PBH, now THAT should be a load off your shoulders.  I hope that you’ll be able to see it that way.  You don’t have to worry or stress about “that particular issue” any further. And no, I wouldn’t be telling him that you don’t believe him.  Just keep that to yourself and I hope within a very short time, you’ll be thinking, “Oh wow, why was I thinking of telling him that?”

PBH – can you give me a rating?   Of how you feel with your bf?  1 = just ordinary  and  10 = outstandingly perfect and so in love.   Can you put a number there somewhere to how you feel?  I’m sensing that it’s quite low at the moment, isn’t it?   If so, my question back to you is:  “What do you think you need to do to get that number to increase?”   “What is stopping you from doing something to get that number to increase?”

 May I ask whether you are having any regular GP or psych sessions at all?   Are you on any medications?

I’ve asked too many questions I think in this post – I do have some others and some other comments, but I’ll store them for my next post to you. 

Hope you can get back to us.

Neil

[pleasebehappy]

I really don't know how I would rate this relationship. 9/10 maybe? The only problem is with myself. He is 'perfect' already. Every time I feel like I have done or said something that might annoy or hurt him, I apologise straight away. And he would always reply saying it's not my fault. I am happy that I can be in a relationship (considering my feeling of insecurity which usually keeps me away from being too close to a person). But at the same time I'm not too sure if I am ready to rate this relationship 10/10...

I am not on any medication and I'm not seeing any doctors. I have actually 'recovered' so I can control my symptoms without any help. I still get breakdowns occasionally but other than that I would say I am totally normal (?)