Giving up when life doesn’t get better

[angel01]

Hi everyone! I’m not sure what compelled me to start writing this post. Maybe I’m hoping someone would validate my feelings or relate to my situation.

For context, I am 22 years old. I am in the final year of my university studies. I used to have more friends and went out more. Now I only have a few close friends, whom I try to see at least once a week. The same goes for my boyfriend. He lives an hour away by car (or an hour and a half commute), and we try to see each other at least once a week. I live with my strict parents and still have a curfew despite my age. Sleepovers are forbidden. I am often made to feel guilty when I go out at night or past dinner time. I was recently unemployed and my parents don’t want me to work while I finish my studies. I know I am blessed that they want to support me, but I continue to struggle with feelings of uncertainty about my job prospects. I spoke to them about wanting to work casual hours waitressing or doing odd jobs like I used to, but they said no. Since I lost my full-time job, I don’t know if I even want to continue in the same field as my degree. 

I am diagnosed with CPTSD and often think about how it affects my ability to cope. I'm not sure where my depression and anxiety stem from or if it’s from a singular event. I get support from my mental health nurse, GP, counsellor, psychologist, and headspace worker. Until recently, I even had a social worker and a financial advisor. Despite utilising all this free support, my mental health does not seem to be improving. I find myself struggling more with self-doubt, anxiety, depression and I’m more prone to feeling extreme emotional distress.

Recently, I have slept a lot to run away from my problems. As soon as I wake up, I go back to sleep. I slept twice trying to finish this post. I hate mornings. I want to study and do my assessments, but I never do. I want to be active and eat well, but I can’t. I hate being stuck at home. I want to make new friends and have fun. But I feel awkward and lonely even when I'm around others. I want to leave my partner because it's so hard to see him, especially because my family is moving farther away. I have too much baggage and I feel scared he will leave me. I hate how my life has turned out. I’m not sure I will ever be able to be financially stable enough to move out. I want to give up on everything and sleep forever.

I apologise if anyone feels triggered reading this rant. I hope life gets better for you. 

[smallwolf]

Hey there, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you're going through a tough time, juggling a lot of responsibilities and emotions. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and uncertain, especially with everything on your plate. It's clear you're trying your best to navigate through it all, and that's commendable.

Remember, your feelings are valid. But seeking support (which you are doing!) is a courageous step. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep reaching out to your support network and professionals; they're there to help you through this journey.

Take small steps towards self-care and finding what brings you joy, even if it's challenging. You're not alone, and things can improve with time and effort. 

Perhaps you can tell me what you are studying? And what got interested in that area?

Listening.

[therising]

Hi angel01

My heart goes out to you as you find yourself trying to cope with so much all at once, a huge amount of things. The fact that you're conscious of so much of what challenges you, points to you being such a highly conscious person. I think sometimes it can feel almost impossible to make the people around us just as conscious of our struggles. This can sometimes end up being half the battle.

I'm wondering whether your parents are aware of the mental health impact of the curfew. For example, not being able to experience an extended time of enjoyment can have an impact (aka when enjoyment is constantly cut short). Are they conscious of the sense of satisfaction and achievement that can be gained while working with others or working for an income? If money's not an issue, a lot of people gain a sense of satisfaction from volunteer work. I think of my 18yo son who hasn't been in a position to get a job lately, due to struggles with year 12 studies last year and surgery this year. He's been volunteering at the local community centre. He's been surprised by the sense of satisfaction and achievement he feels in helping others and being around new people in his life. It's tough when parents won't open their mind and it helps explain why kids fight with their parents. While I'm not promoting hostility in a household, I am acknowledging a child's need and sometimes right to fight the good fight. They're fighting for something, typically something related to their evolution.

From my own experience, I've found there can be a bit of fear involved in parenting. While I'm a mum who's blessed to have sages for kids, it was my sage-like 21yo daughter who once advised me 'Mum, you have to put your fears aside so that we can learn and experience our life through our successes and failures. We'll be fine. Stop trying to manage nothing bad happening to us'. Whether your parents' possible once track mind reflects a single path where constant success requires strict guidelines, I'm not sure. Whether you take a couple of years out from the profession your studies are leading you to, this may end up being something that serves you well. If earning money from an unrelated job allows you to do some soul searching through travel, moving in with your partner, joining some soulful kinds of groups or whatever, saying to your parents 'You need to stop fearing me going off track and learn to trust me exploring my own paths' could mean a bit of fighting for what you may need.

While you have a number of people in your life that are helping you through mental health challenges, are any of them helping you create a kind of vision that leads you to feel some positive difference, even if that difference comes in the form of relief? If you can't see what the way ahead looks like, through your imagination, that's not your fault. Finding someone who can lead you to imagine it may be key. Btw, sometimes when a goal seems far away, the vision may also need to include day by day stepping stones toward that goal.