friendship/ i used to be so bubbly and bright before and now i want that part of me back

[shookookie]

so this all started when school holidays finished I noticed my friends (let's call them X and Z ) had gotten more closer together like REALLY close and I felt like really left out and I had confronted it to them about it and X had said that Z was going through a hard time so that's why they go closer and I understood that so I let them be and stuff. I was having a hard time struggling with it all by myself so I told two friends and those two friends I trust a lot but I guess they confronted my two friends so now X and Z said that I was talking about them behind there back, which I was but I didn't technically talk about them I only talked about myself and how I felt that they are excluding me.so another girl comes along and let's just name her A, so she came along saying a lot of stuff as I used her, I spread rumours about her and a lot of other stuff. which I didn't do, yes I talked about her behind her back but I never spread rumours or did any of that. they team up together and they confronted about it, I understood everything they said and apologised anyway and they said apology doesn't fix anything ( i mean what was it created for then ). but I tried my hardest to apologise to them and I even stayed away from them and went with another group of friends ( but I feel like I'm getting in the way of that group's friendship and I feel like I'm annoying to them ) so after all that happened I became SOO different, I was colder, quieter, I wasn't like myself and I wanted my old self back. I had also found out that A had been telling everything that was happening to all the 'popular' girls of the grade and they are like REALLY toxic. 2 weeks ago I had also found out I have depression and I was already struggling to tell my mum. and since all this was happening I became so different and I want that part of me back. I have been crying myself to sleep countless nights because I'm so scared about what's gonna happen. X, Z and A had told me to apologise personally in front of them if I actually meant my apology to them and I'm too scared to but I have to go anyway. my brain is mentally exhausted and a couple of days ago in the shower, I had a panic attack and I had trouble seeing, I fell to the floor but I had no one to call out to since no one was home. I didn't wanna tell anyone cause they would probably think I'm overreacting or telling lies.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, or how I should deal with my mental health, and telling my mum. please help.

[Sophie_M]

Hey shookookie,

Welcome to our friendly forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're really sorry to hear that you're feeling so low at the moment, but please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need to help you through this difficult time.

We'd also really recommend getting in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. They available 24/7 to talk to on 1800 55 1800 and also have 24/7 online chat through their website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and concerns with you and can offer support and advice.

You're also always welcome to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.
 
 

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. School for some can be fun and for others quite painful. There was a time when my son had lost most if not all his friends in year 11. It take courage to write your story here... about what happened. It may seem scary to tell your mum about all of this. The fact you have posted here shows you can tell someone.

You know to know something... My psychologist gives me homework each time I see her. One time I also had to tell her about some stuff that happened and suicidal thoughts. While I said that I could do it, it is hard to tell someone who cares for you this sort of stuff. Perhaps you could print out and show your post here? I can remember I once wrote a note to mum to explain something to me because I was too embarrassed to talk about it.

From your post it sounds like you are now in a different social group and feel colder etc. Could that be because you don't really feel part of that group yet? Or perhaps you have put up a protective shield to prevent yourself from getting hurt again?

What is your relationship with your mum like? I don't think that you are telling lies. You are struggling at the moment with some things at school and scared to tell your mum. I would hope your mum would listen to you and perhaps help you to find a way forward.

Listening to you,

Tim