Feeling trapped again

[Mocha2frappe]

Hi everyone! I’m new and i’m hoping i can get some help or advice on here. I don’t even know where to begin, all i know is I’ve been suffering from severe anxiety since i was a young teen. The last time i went to seek professional help was probably 4-5 years ago.

I actually thought i was getting better, i was doing all these things to distract myself such as doing things that i love, finding happiness in even the smallest things and i’ve also been trying really hard to love myself. I was feeling quite fine until recently, some family issues triggered me. My head started hurting and i felt like i’ve lost all my energy , what’s worse is that my dad thinks I’m an attention seeker (to him, there’s no such thing as mental illness). The only person i can really talk to about my problems is my mum.

However, my mum tells me I don’t appreciate my dad enough, the reason him being frustrated. She understands my struggles but thinks I’m the one ruining the relationship between me and my dad. For a while, I’ve been trying to ignore him and i admit I don’t like waking up just to see him every morning. I do this because all he does is bring me down by his actions or words just everything he does doesn’t make my situation any better. And I’ve learnt to stay away from people who keep trying to drag me down.

I feel like every thing i do, I would always be the first to be blamed on it really sucks. People who don’t understand me think I’m self-centred but honestly i just need as much help as i can get. I believe I’m stronger than i use to be but sometimes just one bad day can really trigger me and I really want to change that. In that moment I feel as if every step I’ve taken to heal myself was all for nothing. I know this will be a very long journey like it has been in the past and it won’t be easy. If you’re an anxious human being and you’re reading this well you need to know you are not the only one fighting this devil thats chasing you around wherever you go because you are never alone in this fight.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mocha2frappe

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about mental illness in general as well as your specific difficulties.

Our interpersonal skills can be upsetting when both people believe they know all there is to know and act on that belief. I can see how frustrating this must be. I was imagining my dad in a similar situation and I believe he would also have dismissed any of "that rubbish about mental illness" despite being a very caring person. But then our respective dads were brought up in a different time and absorbed the beliefs of their generation. Sadly the attitude towards mental illness was to believe it was shameful, should never be mentioned and to insist friends and family should "Man up" and get over it.

I am pleased that this is not such a widespread attitude today though it's still a difficult topic to discuss in public. Many people are afraid of MI, have no idea what to say to anyone with a MI and get very embarrassed. I believe this will change but it will be a slow process. Pretty much like your journey at the moment.

It's hard to find you have become anxious again when you thought you were getting on top of it. It doesn't take much to set us off at times no matter how much we believe we have systems in place. One of the most difficult things is I’ve also been trying really hard to love myself. I'm not sure how you do this. Perhaps it's more being able to accept ourselves as we are. After all, this is the attitude couples have towards each other.

If you feel it is impossible to talk to your dad do you think it would help to seek some professional help? Can you go to the person you saw 4-5 years ago? Have a chat with your GP and see what is available. It may help you to be more gentle with your dad and more helpful for you. I know when I am annoyed with someone or something it takes a lot of energy. The less energy we have the more it seems important to remain angry. Well that has been my experience.

Do you think you can have a chat with your dad? Perhaps ask him if he will listen to you while tell him what's going on and invite him to explain what he believes. You can say upfront that you are not trying to tell him he is wrong or change his beliefs. Simply an exchange of thoughts may help you both.

Hope this helps. Please continue to write in here if you find it useful.

Mary