emptiness, loneliness and anxious dreams

[Lilly4]

Hey everyone (sorry for the long post haha)

Ive suffered from anxiety and a severe depressive disorder for a while now, and this year it's at its worst. I've had a ridiculous amount of time off school, hit rock bottom and I'm on medication and seeing a psychologist etc etc to try and get help. Right now though for the past couple of days I've just been feeling constantly anxious, and it's not going away. I feel like I need to do something drastic to fix it almost just run away or go off and use substances to mask it but at the same time I never even have the energy to do it. I've tried deep breathing and distracting myself but they're only short term solutions and my chest has just constantly felt tight with this anxiousness..I honestly just feel like running away from everything and with my exams coming up in two days I feel like this has been a big trigger for why I'm feeling like this. But on top of the anxiousness I've felt my depression has gotten worse too and I've just felt so alone. Even though in one sense I can see I'm really not I just have this feeling of emptiness and loneliness.. the other day it was my birthday and towards the end of the day all I felt like doing was crying and iscolating myself.. I just felt so alone. Even though so many people would say happy birthday and show they cared and loved me, and I was with my family and friends I would focus on the tiny things and people who didn't make an effort and I just couldn't shake that feeling of loneliness for just no good reason, I hated it. The day before my birthday is also when I started to get anxious dreams, the ones that stress you out and make you feel restless and you get a really bad sleep- it took me a while to even just wake up from it. And now for the past few days I just keep having either anxious or just generally intense dreams that take me a long time to actually wake up properly from and adjust to reality, on top of the fact that I'm just incredibly tired 24/7. I have a really supportive and close family that I use for help and technically I really shouldn't feel like this at all but I just don't know what to do, at the moment I feel so empty and alone, constantly anxious and always like I'm on the verge of a break down but I can't even bring myself to crying .. 😞

[Narniakid]

Hi Lilly4, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

I am sorry to hear you're feeling like this, but remember a feeling is not a fact - just because you feel worthless does not mean you are. I am very happy to hear you're seeking professional help with a psychologist, just make sure you are really comfortable opening up to them, otherwise it can be a waste of time. I suggest you keep a diary of each day's events and how you feel about them, and also a mood chart (google 'black dog mood chart' and print off the PDF) and take that in to your GP and/or psychologist, and that will help them determine an accurate idea of your lifestyle and your thinking patterns and behaviours.

What is your home life like? How is school for you? Are you getting along with your friends? Are you in your senior years and struggling with the stress of exams and the HSC? Consider your environmental and social factors, as often our anxiety is triggered from them. Talk to your school about special provisions during exams and tests, and what's available to you.

Have a read of the information and resources here on the website, and if you're feeling really on edge, please give the hotline a call. Remember that negative thoughts are just reactions to fear, and anxiety thrives on avoidance. You have the power to get through this, I believe in you. Please keep us posted.

Crystal

[Lilly4]

Yeah I've just started seeing the psychologist so although Im not really completely comfortable opening up to him 100% yet I guess I just have to give it a go.. never really had success with psychologists in the past- just never really connected with them or felt anything worked you know. I think the diary idea is good, I might start doing that just to keep track of triggers etc.

Home life is really good, I have a really close family and my mum supports me 100%, and even though thats the case, as I said before sometimes I still feel really alone 😕 I get along with friends but school just isn't my place, I have a few close friends but often get along with older people and just generally have those "friends" type of friends, the people I'm just friends with through school and probably wont stay in contact with once I leave you know. I am in my senior years now and its really taken its toll. Exams just completely freak me out and I am seriously not handling it well. I've applied for special considerations and I get to sit my exams in separate rooms and can have rest breaks if i freak out but exams themselves still just give me so much anxiety its crazy, even though I can see in my right mind that it doesn't even really matter. My depression and anxiety not only stop me and limit my ability in exams but sometimes I get so worked up I can't even study for things or start school work and I just feel like I physically can't. Over the years through school Ive always been an A student and was considered really smart, always in the high classes. Now everything is just crumbling and I just feel like its so out of my hands.

Thanks for your reply x