Don't really know what to do

[Sabrina_The_Little_Witch]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum. I'm a 23 yo. girl. The reason I'm here is that I just don't really have anyone to talk about what's worrying me, because I'm sure my close family and boyfriend will just be upset and angry that I can't cope with depression on my own.

 I have a history of depression. The 2 major breakdowns happened when I was 14 - I developed anorexia and depression and so i spent high school with no friends. My parents didn't treat me for depression, but for gaining weight and hormones to get me to be of normal weight again. They thought depression was something I made up.

The next major breakdown happened when I was rejected a visa to study abroad, it was kind of my dream. I was hospitalised with heavy episode of depression with anorexia again and sort of suicidal thoughts. They gave me lots of meds, I felt better. I was on meds for 1 year and had to visit my therapist regularly. 

This was all back in other country (I prefer not to say which one...). Now I live in Australia - for 3 months already, I have a great boyfriend, we are getting married soon.  I am supposed to be happy, I have everything perfect. Except, Im out of meds and I find myself thinking negative, being always tense and restless, anxious, self-hatred, wanting to run away, crying, feeling guilty all the time, a desire to be isolated, that I never deserve anything and it seems like depression comes all over again. 

The obvious comment would be - go and see GP and get on meds again. Also, you would say it's all the adjustment to the new country..But I'm supposed to be happy, I was so excited to be with my b/f here and start new life together! 

I'm thinking to see a Psychologist or Therapist. But thats going back to meds? Or is anything else they can recommend? And the money is really tight. (I dont have any Medicare yet or anything..)

Anyway, I'm not just lying in bed complaining. I'm trying actively to find a job, I' going to interviews and volunteering, doing sports and study online. However, it's very hard..Its dark inside and sometimes very hard to ignore and cope.

Just please tell me what your thoughts are - should i get back on meds? what type of help should I seek? or am I just imagining things?

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey Sabrina,

I have to giggle a little here as my first thought is something you haven't mentioned...

'The obvious comment would be - go and see GP and get on meds again. Also, you would say it's all the adjustment to the new country..'

Nope... Obvious answer is... You've got cold feet girl!! Your looking at getting married, any girl who doesn't get loopy facing that is just weird in my opinion lol. Look you girls either get scared, or crazy absorbed...

Now im not saying that's the beginning and end of it but I don't think you've considered that. Ontop of the new country and weening yourself off meds, I feel for you, you must feel like your going crazy lol.

It sounds like your doing SO much at the moment, you would have stressors keeping up with all that, you've got new country stress, quitting medication side-effects/stress, and your probably stressed because your frightened of a relapse. And then... You have a new level of stress... Which is stressing that all that is effecting you...

Don't be so quick to dismiss the support your guy and your family will give you, ESPECIALLY if they know your history, it is very very common to relapse, and you have a lot of triggers to a relapse at the moment by the sounds of it. Have you been quite sick at all recently? This alone can trigger a relapse believe it or not because being sick leaves you feeling drained and down and you berate yourself for it... Sounds like a silly thing to do but hey, the wonders of the mind...

Medication is something you need to consider yourself, its an option, but it depends on whether you feel you need it or not. Honestly it should be a last option in my opinion, but that depends what other coping mechanisms you have available. The first one you should consider is none of this is your fault, its not being weak, I believe the situation your in is a direct cause of circumstance, many circumstances to be precise...

I would just go to a GP if I were you, for starters, give a brief run down of your history and current situations. It could be as simple as talking to someone about things and being shown your not imagining things and how you feel is quite understandable.. Let your boyfriend in, let him know your stressing out a bit, don't expect yourself to settle into a new country after 3 months either, a new home alone can have you unsettled for as long or longer, let alone a new country.

Nobody can survive this planet alone, not forever anyway. Trust & open up 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi Sabrina

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

No, I don’t think you’re imagining any of this.

It sounds very real and it’s happening to you, so I’m very glad that you’ve been able to come here and unload.

May I ask, how did you feel when you were on your meds in the past?  Did you feel so different then, to how you feel now?  If the answer is without doubt, yes, then I would be heading to your gp as soon as possible.

While we know that meds are only a part-help for mental illness, when we are in deep with this illness, they can be heaps beneficial to us (as you’ve found in the past).  Now when I say, part-help, I mean, that along with meds, other things should be put into place – and I won’t go into those, as YOU have listed a number of them already, which is absolutely awesome.

So if you’re able to possibly seek out some meds to help you at this time, along with all the other mechanisms that you’ve already got in place, they “could” be just the positive thing that you need to assist you to feeling “much” better than what you currently are.

I mean, if you’re a little hesitant to taking meds, think of it this way – mental illness is a disease, is an illness.   Diabetes and/or cancer are diseases, illnesses – and when people suffer from either of those, they are taking medications or having treatment to help reduce the effects, etc.  I believe there is no difference when suffering from mental illness – there are medications out there that CAN help us – my thoughts are, if they’re available, and we’re suffering, why not use them?

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Narniakid]

Hi Sabrina_The Little Witch, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

It is great to hear that you've been able to move here with your boyfriend. Australia is such a great place with so many open doors, particularly in the mental health department - there's so much support readily available. If you don't want to go on the meds again, therapy with a psychologist regularly is a wonderful option, and one I highly recommend to you in your situation. The stress of moving to a new country mixed with a wedding - yes, they are both positive actions, however they're significantly life-changing, and it would be unusual NOT to feel anxious during them. Telling yourself "I'm supposed to be happy" will not MAKE you happy. Definitely consider seeing a therapy or psychologist for regular sessions so you can pitch everything that's on your mind, and break those negative thinking habits.

Crystal

[Sabrina_The_Little_Witch]

Thank you for your reply,Natural Talent.

Right, I haven't considered wedding as a stress factor..but its not like I'm having any doubts, I made up my mind ages ago. It might be stressful getting all together and my parents not being with me on the day. I miss them, I think.

Anyway, I should be easier on myself I guess. And go to see a GP.

Again, thanks for your help.

[Sabrina_The_Little_Witch]

Hi Neil, thank you for your reply.

Yes,my answer to feeling better after medication - I became more calm,my crying and hysteria went away, I didn't even think negatively. So I think you are right that a bit of help from meds would be beneficial.

However, my fear is that I will take them forever and won't be able to cope on my own! I'm young and I'm not mentally insane...I want to be myself, or at least a positive and stable person. I'm afraid I will be stuck with meds..not able to get out..Does it make sense?

Thank you .

[Sabrina_The_Little_Witch]

Hi Crystal,

Thank you for your response.

I should definitely see someone. And yes, I agree there are good opportunities in Australia to get help from professionals.

Its just sometimes people think you are weak if you can't deal with stressful events on your own.

Thanks again 🙂

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey Sabrina,

If medication is a path that has helped, but your concerned about dependency, you can always take them periodically. Aka if you are going through a rough patch and need some base line help, go see your GP.

Then when you are feeling better you can taper off again (NOT cold turkey as that's always a risk)

I have done this a few times, sometimes you need to remember who you are at the basest level (which is what you would be going through right now) to recognise what the medication helps with.

You may not be 'scared' of the wedding or have any doubts, but its a pretty huge life change and there is a high level of stress attached for anyone. It is normal! But that doesn't make it any easier to cope with..

You really should open up to you boyfriend though, if there is ANY level of love there lol you should not fear him getting upset that your stressed and struggling with EVERYTHING all at once right now, it happens to everyone, its just that a lot of people ignore or deny it and end up on a self destructive path trying to bury it. DONT be one of those people!