Do I have an undiagnosed mental issue or am I just suffering from a classic case of childhood trauma?

[Ezra_13]

So, my brother and I were on a drive one day and I was telling him about how my mother thought I might have inherited her OCD. This was suspected when I was telling her about my young childhood and how I had habits of crying when paint was chipped, organising things, destroying my art if it didn't suit me, disliking certain patterns, constantly rubbing out and re-doing writing and spending hours making my hair slicker etc. I have grown out of most of these but my mother still suspects it. After telling my brother this he said it didn't sound like OCD at all and more like autism. Deep down I doubt that I would, considering the people I know who have autism, have told me the kinds of things they deal with and how they differ from my own difficulties. I began to overthink this for a few weeks and wondered if there was something else going on in my brain when I related it to more of the things I have trouble with. So I asked my boyfriend who knows me the best and he seemed to think I struggle with emotional neglect from my childhood and issues I faced at a young age.

CONTEXT: Growing up I had one parent who worked full time and the other slept all day leaving my care up to my siblings. Both my parents had a really hard upbringing in turn making them a little bit emotionally lacking towards their kids. My siblings got that as well as being brought up in a strict religion that I only experience to the age of 5. My siblings (as teens at the time) were going through incredibly rough times too and didn't know how to treat me and did questionable things they thought would help. In turn, I didn't get any emotional support and security growing up from my family. And from then to now many dramas have transpired in our lives and in my personal life that have contributed to who I am now. Last year I worked through depression and severe anxiety n my own and made it out with some scars and my life. I have become so much happier since then after meeting truly good people and becoming closer to family. However, I have become someone who is stuck in their head a lot and I constantly overthink and dig myself into holes and it controls my every move. I can't live in the moment and I feel like I don't know myself. It's like I act differently for every person. I have the worst self image and I often wonder whether my behaviour is normal + OCD or completely normal or maybe there is something else? Anyone have any advice for me? Hope this makes sense, what a big paragraph lmao

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ezra_13,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear what you've been through during your childhood, it sounds like you've faced some incredibly difficult obstacles at such a young age. However, we are glad to hear that you've met some really great people, and have become closer with your family which has been a great support for you. We can hear that you're feeling a bit confused and unsure if how you're feeling is normal- and please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? We think it would really help to talk through these feelings with the friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under, and are available to you anytime on 1800 55 1800 or also through their webchat here: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 

[Croix]

Dear Ezra_13~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here, it is a friendly place, with a lot of people who have had had times, something that makes a person more understanding of others.

It would have been hard to try to put down how you are in a first post, and yoy have done a pretty good job of explaining things.

You grew up in a religious household where you parents did not give you the love any child needs, and than had a hard time given by your sisters, who on leaving a religious community in their teens would have had a very hard and confusing time. Not ideal for a young person at all.

You mentioned OCD, childhood trauma, depression and anxiety, and overthinking everything as well as questioning your own behavior to others. Those around you have their opinions, from your boyfriend to your mother.

Really speaking the only way to know what you face is to have a proper medical diagnosis by a professional. Can I suggest you have a long consultation with a GP wiht a view to diagnosis by someone skilled in childhood matters?

Having a degree of certainty can make things easier, it certainly did for me. I had no idea I had PTSD, depression and anxiety to start with and put it all down to me.

One thing that makes me hesitate about your post is your saying you managed to get through depression and anxiety by yourself, even though you still constantly overthink things. I found I simply could not do that, and in time I got worse despite my efforts.

It was only after diagnosis and competent medical help I improved and no longer held myself back from life by overthinking everything. I also no longer wear a mask and behave differently in front of each person -something that simply isolated me and made me feel worthless.

These feelings of uncertainty and also feeling lost are not things you have to be stuck with always, I was a mess and am now pretty good, if I can I'd imagine you can too.

Please feel you can come here and talk anytime

Croix

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[geoff]

Hello Ezra, a warm welcome to the forums.

Everybody who has OCD has their own type of obsessions and compulsions (o/c), although many do have the tendency to be the same but perhaps in a slightly different way, but the principles are alike where our siblings can predict an illness which may not be true, however, OCD can be passed down by generations although the o/c can be totally different.

If you can place this in your search browser may help you 'OCD test for adults' to know whether or not this maybe the situation.

Not having the emotional support and security growing up from my family could well be the precursor to instigate or begin any hidden obsessions and compulsions that may become a problem for you later on and doing this test isn't the real diagnosis, only a doctor can make that decision.

A person suffering from this illness can certainly be happy and content, to a certain degree, in their own way and it is impossible at times to be able to focus on your current situation.

I've had OCD for a long time and would love to hear back from you when possible.

Geoff.