Disgust

[freemefrommydemons]

Has anyone ever repressed traumatic memories, and then suddenly just remembered what happened? I was going through a website about sexual abuse, and although I had already known I was sexually abused, I had forgotten the other time, honestly I had shoved it to the back of my mind and then all of a sudden the memories flooded back in. I feel so disgusted, and lost. I feel unclean, because at the age of 7 I was already being abused, and I just feel.. i dont know. Lost, disgusted and sad. I've been losing hope a lot lately, that im never going to be able to feel happiness again since its been so long and this has made me just withdraw, and lose even more hope for life. Im just rambling now, sorry

[AGrace]

Hi FMFMD,

How are you?

Sorry I haven't been able to post of late. I'm actually in Langkawi, Malaysia and have limited internet access.

You mentioned that it was your younger sister who came forward. I can imagine the lack of admission would have been through shame, guilt, and fear. Which is very natural. Have you since confronted your parents about it?

I get the same thing in terms of sensitivity. I went to a work conference a couple of years ago and the facilitator gave me some feedback about something really minor. I cried for hours, I couldn't console myself, nor could anyone else. It can be annoying because we feel emotions at extremes and we don't have the ability to regulate them or self soothe. In people with BPD there's a couple of reasons for this. Firstly because of environmental factors when we were developing. We didn't learn how to. Secondly because of biological factors. Our Amygdala (the reptilian part of our brain responsible for the flight, fight, freeze response) is usually smaller in people with BPD so it often in firing mode. The other biological factor is that our frontal cortex doesn't work in the way that non-BPD people's does. This area is responsible for emotions. So in essence the way you feel is not at all your fault.

Have any of your Dr's spoken with you about doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? This is the most common form of Psychological treatment for people with BPD. If you want to google Marsha Linehan DBT (she is the lady who founded the therapy, and also suffered from BPD). It would be good to raise this with your Psychiatrist if not already done.

I'm glad that you were comfortable talking to your Psychologist. The sessions can be really challenging, especially as they learn how to push our buttons and what our limits are. I think you will find though that the more you talk about it the less of a burden it will be.

Are you still suffering from your eating disorder? I had anorexia about 14 years ago. I still like to have control over what I'm eating. Sometimes it feels as though it's the only thing I have control over. I'm glad you are getting help with this though.

I hope this past week has been a little better for you.

AGrace

[freemefrommydemons]

Hi AGrace, that you for your reply. 
I still have not told my family about what happened, sometimes I want to but I cannot bring myself to tell them, so I live with this secret. 
Wow, its good to know that there are reasons behind the difficulties we experience, dometimes I honestly feel like its so hard to explain what I feel that I am making it up, and people often try to convince me that I am making up all these problems. 
I think my psych was wanting to start with me on trauma therapy ? Im not sure, but she couldnt start it as I have been so unstable. I am very lucky that I have complete trust in her, so I am able to tell her when I do not feel safe, and when I feel uncomfortable with something, which she always helps me through. 
I am still suffering greatly with my ed, its often more of a problem then any bpd symptoms although they could be interconnected? At the moment I am having great anxiety over the thought of growing up (I turn 20 next year) and im often overthinking a lot of things, and its causing me panic attacks. I use to get a lot of panic back when I was 15/16 but then I fully developed an eating disorder (anorexia) and the panic went away as I think as my body shrunk I felt like a child again. HArd to explain. 
This past week has been quite horrible to say the least, I was abusing alcohol, my best friend attempted suicide and her boyfriend who is a good friend to me also was threatening suicide, and overall my mood has crashed so hard that I havent been able to force myself to attend uni, my appetite is pretty poor which stresses me as its a trigger for an ed relapse. Im just generally stressed and upset, a bit lost and I feel like everything is spinning out of control. 


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[AGrace]

Ouch, that does sound like a really tough week. Does your friend have someone else she can lean on for support with what she's going through? It might be a bit much for you to get totally immersed in at the moment. Perhaps you can take a bit of a back seat in supporting her. Have you introduced her to any of the resources from Beyondblue? It might be a good idea for her and her boyfriend. When things are spinning out of control, are there some nurturing things you can do for yourself? I know there was a thread a little while ago about what gets you through the tough times. It might be just going for a small stroll, having a bath, reading a nice magazine or book, eating something naughty like chocolate, doing some mindfulness or meditation, doing some art, or listening to relaxing music.

In terms of your appetite, perhaps just try eating 5 or 6 really small meals each day, even if you don't feel like eating. It would be a shame for your anorexia to show it's head again when you've worked so hard to manage it. Eating Disorders definitely are linked to BPD. They are a form of Self Destructive Behaviour. 

I understand getting stable before embarking on therapy. For a while there my Psychologist spent loads of sessions just doing crisis management with me. It's good to know there are some more long term plans in place though. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with her, this is so important for your treatment. Perhaps telling your parents can also be something you work with her toward in the future.

Take care of yourself for now, that's all you really need to do. Is there someone at uni you can chat to just to let them know you need to take a bit of time out?

AG

[freemefrommydemons]

My friend doesn't really have anyone, and we have been through everything with eachother so I can't take a back seat, she wont talk to anyone as she doesnt feel comfortable with them, we have been friends for almost 5 years and it wasnt until last year when we really got talking, im okay with her talking to me because atleast she has someone. 
Ive taken a turn and I am not relying on alcohol anymore (yay), I took a few days off uni to collect myself and my friends updated me on what I needed to do. Then today I went back as it was only a 1 hour class, and it was great. Im most concerned about the weekends as it seems that is when things become most difficult and my thoughts run wild. 
I am managing to eat, but probably not enough as im losing weight however im not too concerned the anorexic thoughts arent too loud at the moment. 
I have an appointment with my psych on tuesday so I will update her then and im sure she will be able to help, im not having any thoughts of hurting myself, at the moment I am just trying to remain stable. 

[freemefrommydemons]

Hey AGrace ! Well..
I had my appointment with m psychologist today, and it was quite a helpful session! I mentioned DBT to her, and she told me that we are already doing aspects of it, which I didnt realize! So she will talk to me about it next session again but we are working towards another type of treatment, but once again she is going to talk to me about it next session. I guess at the moment things are a bit hard, I am not sure why. Overall I am just quite low, I Think I am still getting over nearly losing my best friend. She messaged me the other day telling me she was okay and that she slept for 3 days after the overdose, which was concerning but she doesnt seem fussed about it, I am very stresssed as she lives a few hours away from me and I don't know how to help her. I hope our doing okay! 

[AGrace]

Hi,

I'm glad all went well with your Psychologist appointment. I actually had mine today as well. I think because DBT works across 4 main modules Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness it would only be natural that some of the therapies that you have been working on would come under one or more of these headings. But that's great that you've already started and didn't know it!

I can imagine your concern for your friend, and it must be hard not being close by her. I know we get caught up in sending emails, texts, making phone calls, that we often forget how nice it can be to receive something in the post. I have a sister and my little niece who live in London, and my sister often sends me little surprise parcels. I'll get a hand written letter, some of those postcards you find in cafe's, or a little book of quotes, or a novel, and it all means so much more to me than just an email/text. Perhaps you could do something like this for your friend? It might just remind her that you are really thinking of her because you've gone out of your way to do something special for her. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. Sending photos is another good idea, you might even like to make a photo book for her retelling some of the things you've been up to?

I think from personal experience that the lengthy sleep after her ordeal is normal.

You mentioned that overall you are feeling a bit low. Perhaps it might be nice for you to include something pleasurable in each day? I always like to have at least one thing to look forward to every day, even if it just makes me smile for 5 minutes. Having a bubble bath, getting a pedicure/manicure, Getting my hair shampooed and dried, walking to a local cafe for a chocolate muffin/hot chocolate, going to the movies or the art gallery, sitting in a park and watching pets or children play. It doesn't have to be anything big.

Thank you for asking, I'm doing ok. Trying to make sure I've got some plans in place for when my partner goes away next week - I don't like being alone. I'm also starting to get a bit of guilt set in about not working. I left my job almost a year ago, and the thought of going back to work still scares me, but when I see my partner coming home from work each evening it makes me feel like I'm lazy. Other than that all is well.

A big virtual hug to get you through the rest of today, and have a think about what nice thing you will do for yourself tomorrow:)

AGrace

[freemefrommydemons]

I definately think the sessions are going well! I love how she makes me feel as if I am accomplishing something. I told her about my s/h relapse, and the alcohol and she told me that although I did fall I have come a far way from even just the beginning of the year when I couldnt even deal with anything and I would instead drink. I am now able to use different strategies and challenge the thoughts! 
Wow thank you for those ideas! That is so so helpful. I think that would make her feel great! 
I feel the same, being alone is hard! I totally understand. I haven't held down a job since 2012, it makes me feel guilty but I know when I am ready I will find work 🙂 

[AGrace]

It's interesting once you start to use the coping strategies you can still take a few steps backwards, but you never really seem to fall as hard as when you first became unwell.

Hopefully each time you relapse rather than seeing it as a failure, you will see it as an opportunity to put all of the things you've learned into practice.

That's a good way to look at the unemployment issue. I know when I'm ready I will do really well again, I just don't quite feel ready yet.

[freemefrommydemons]

So I had my ex best friends 21st on the weekend (I say ex as we are still friends only she replaced me with her boyfriend) and I felt overwhelmed with the amount of people there, so I let my very close friend know and she understood and said after an hour she would take me home. I had been drinking and I felt unsafe, she understood this too however she didnt know how unsafe I felt and how irrational my thoughts were, but we left. I ended up going home, and felt better as there wasnt anyone around and drank a lot more. I ended up texting my friend to come get me so we could go out, and it was great fun! Until around 1 hour before 'lockout; when I began getting impulsive suicidal thoughts, so instead of acting on them I let me friend know again, and she instantly got me out of the club into the taxi and took me home! (YAY) I feel quite accomplished that I was able to let my friend know everytime I felt unsafe! 
Yesterday my ex best friends boy friend messaged me however, telling me he was disaapointted that I left the 21st, and that set of my self destruct mode and I had a self harm relapse. I cried myself to sleep and cried all through today (not sure why but I feel better now) but yes, weekend was hecktic, and I am proud that I kept myself so safe. Looks like I am heading forwards now, and no turning back! 🙂