Depression/eating disorder is back again

[smith176]

I've had depression and anxiety since the age of 13. At that point, I was diagnosed with anorexia which lasted for 18 months. This very quickly developed into bulimia, which lasted between the ages of 15 - 21. I'm now 23 and have relapsed into my eating disorder badly. It always seems to be at a time when I am most depressed, I don't know if the depression causes the issues with eating or the other way around. I've lost a grip on my life, and my eating and self harm are the only things I can control. I'm so lost. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Zeal]

Hi Smith,

Welcome to the forum!

I was also diagnosed with anxiety (OCD) and depression (though mild) at 13. I still have OCD, but it's better managed now. I was diagnosed with Anorexia at 19 and recovered almost fully by 21. I am also 23 now, and I still eat when I am stressed/anxious, but I don't binge eat anymore.

Eating disorders often occur as a result of feeling out of control. It's also been proven that people prone to perfectionism are more likely to develop them. I'm really sorry to hear that you've suffered from Bulimia for many years 😞 Please see your doctor (GP) about this severe relapse of your disordered eating, and also with regard to the self-harm. They may refer you to a psychologist or other professional. Make sure you don't suffer in silence, because you deserve better.

When I was recovering from Anorexia, an outpatient nurse was assigned to me for regular check-ups (he came to my home). This was because I voluntarily presented to a public hospital with the help of the psychiatrist I saw in 2012. He ran a small-scale eating disorder program in the mental health ward of this hospital. While it was a somewhat traumatic experience for me, it led to the realisation that things in my life needed to change. I was avoiding decisions about my future ever since finishing school. I was resistant to change, afraid of failure and lacked self-confidence.

My parents were my biggest support during this time, especially as I isolated myself from friends. If you live at home (and even if you don't), keep close to family for support. You can thank them later when you are healthier and happier in the future 🙂 My parents didn't know if I'd come back from my illness, but I did, and so can you. Mental illness sucks, but the silver lining is the self-awareness, compassion and empathy you often gain from the experience. I am now in my third year of psychology study at uni. I probably wouldn't have realised psychology interested me so much if I didn't have such personal experiences with mental illness.

If you'd like to talk further about your experiences, please feel welcome to reply. Sorry about the long story by the way - I just want you to know you're not alone.

Good luck with seeking your doctor's help.

Best wishes,

SM

[White_Rose]

Dear Smith

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I.m pleased you found your way here and wrote in. We can offer you support and hints from our own experiences, but most of all we are here to tell you that you can get well again.

I find when I am feeling down that I tend to eat comfort food, but when I was really hugely depressed I could not eat without a struggle. Like you I'm not sure which is chicken and which is egg. But it really doesn't matter. Once you get some help both parts of the puzzle will join up.

What help did you receive when you were 13? Can you access this again? I urge you to see your GP for a fresh diagnosis and a referral to someone for counseling. When you cannot see the way forward by yourself you need someone to show you the way. Do you have a partner? If so this person can be a great help and support for you. And as SM has already said, keeping in touch with your family is important.

Please continue to write in and tell us how you are managing.

Mary

[smith176]

Hi SM and Mary, thanks so much for your responses! I am actually currently seeing a psychologist for my depression/eating and the GP has prescribed me antidepressants but I just feel like things keep on getting worse. I'm getting to the point where I just want to give up, I've been stuck in this cycle for so long and I don't see a way out of it.

[Zeal]

Hi again Smith 🙂

It's great that you're already seeing a psychologist and visit your GP. Hopefully the antidepressants can help take the severe edge off the depression. You likely already know this, but I'll say it just in case. Do not ever skip a day of taking your antidepressants, as this could cause a fluctuation in your brain's neurotransmitter levels. I take a form of antidepressant called an SSRI (for my OCD). I forgot to take my dose one day, and felt very uncomfortably anxious and jittery for a few days. It was an absolute pain, and I have not forgotten my meds since! If in the future you do need to stop taking your meds, always wean off the dose gradually and do so under the supervision of your doctor.

If you don't mind me asking, who would be your biggest source of support? Whether it's a friend, partner, parent or sibling - let them know what's going on. They will probably want to help, even if just in a small way.
It's unfortunate that doing "all the right things" doesn't mean you will necessarily start seeing major improvements. Recovering from mental illness takes time, and isn't black and white. I live with manageable OCD which can reach unhealthy levels from time to time. However, I am happier and healthier than I've been in years. I am able to live with this level of anxiety, with support from family and my boyfriend. I never had the drive to stick to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) programs to eradicate my OCD, as my ingrained fears are pretty strong. I do regret this sometimes, and maybe one day I will have the courage and motivation to focus on completing a program with a psychologist.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself if you feel you are still stuck in a negative cycle. You can get out, and the odds are in your favour. Overcoming mental illnesses like depression and anxiety is becoming more achievable, as understanding and science improves.

Best wishes,

SM

[smith176]

Hi SM,

Yes I do try to make sure I take my medication regularly, as I've forgotten to take them in the past and the consequences are never nice! I guess my boyfriend is my biggest support, but we don't really talk about this stuff. He finds it really hard to understand and I end up getting frustrated with him because of it. He is always there for me and makes sure I know it, which is the main thing. And my best friend too, she's really good with this stuff. Apart from that I keep it all to myself, my parents are absolutely no help as they still hold the view of 'she has nothing to be depressed about' and I'm sick of trying to convince them otherwise.

It's just so hard to stay motivated when I see myself relapse every single time I thing I'm doing well at recovery. My psychologist says there's an issue that I'm ignoring which is why I keep relapsing, and until we can figure out what that thing is then I'll always be likely to fall back into this cycle.

[White_Rose]

Hello Smith

It seems to me that we need to reach the bottom at times before we start getting better. Managing a low level of depression takes less energy than coping with major depression and I know in my case, that when things are only a little amiss I am not as careful as I should be in getting on top of everything. Or at least that was the case until I hit the bottom again and realised that managing our particular problems is something we need to do everyday. Hence the comment about hitting the bottom. Look at it as a wake up call.

What sort of therapy are you doing with your psych. CBT is the most common I understand. Ask him/her about schema therapy. I say this because, as I understand it, it's good for looking at all aspects of your life and hopefully the issue you are ignoring will surface. At this point I hasten to add I am not a psychologist, so my comments are just that.

How much do you know about depression and OCD? Please have a good look round this web site at the information available on these topics. You can download it or send for hard copies. It may be useful to get hard copies of the material For Family and Friends and give it to your parents. It may help to change their attitudes, especially as it comes from a well respected organisation like BB.

The other suggestion I have about your parents is that they may be a little afraid of mental illness. It would not be something that was discussed when they were teenagers, in fact quite the reverse. Mental health = crazy, and we don't have that sort of thing in our family. So if you provide some authoritative information and have a gentle chat with them once they have read it, you may be able to explain your difficulties. It's always good to compare it to other physical illnesses that need daily attention such as diabetes. Or as my neighbour used to call it, the sugars.

Your BF may also benefit from reading some of this information. We are often not the best people to describe our illnesses and rely on others having some idea of what we are talking about. Everyone knows what the 'flu is like so there is little need to describe it.

Motivation is a hard nut to crack. Can you set yourself goals? Not the sort of "I will be well by the end of the year" goal, more like something you are going to be able to do. For example, if you were unable to get on a bus alone, this would be a good goal. Something small that you can creep up on and tick off your to do list. Keep writing.

Mary