Depression - Am I living with it?
I really do not know what has lead to this post, but I feel as though I need to get my feelings off my chest without affecting the ones that I love and care about.
Half a year ago I lost my father, he had been ill for a very long and he finally lost his battle. Although we argued a lot towards the latter part of his life, he was my best friend. I was all that he had and the fact that we argued so much tears me apart every time I think about it. The events which have stemmed from my father's death have been my downfall. I have become withdrawn from my friends, my family have been avoiding regular contact, I have questioned who I am as a person which has affected my relationship with my long term boyfriend. My motivation levels regarding Uni and work have also decreased dramatically. My behaviour has become more impulsive and I have no idea who I am anymore. I have not gone to the doctor for a diagnosis yet. My emotions are eating me alive.
Hi hb3003. You've had to deal with so much pain, losing your dad would've been devastating. Arguing with him, then losing him must've been bitter more so if you didn't get the chance to say you love him. I'm sure your dad knew how much you loved him. Can I venture to ask if you were able to say 'goodbye'. Sometimes spending time with a loved one to say you love them helps when they do pass. When we are grieving, as you, no doubt are, we sometimes tend to reflect on the bad moments, rather than recalling the good memories, from before our loved one passed. I think perhaps it might be a good idea to see a Dr to arrange for some grief counselling. A Dr could also prescribe mild sedation to help you come to terms with losing your dad. Try to reflect on the good memories of your dad. Grieving can take time, because you need to get your anger/hurt/sadness out, so you can start to accept his passing. The mixture of emotions you are experiencing are all part and parcel of grieving. There's possibly some guilt there because of the argument, the guilt makes you feel angry and so on. Also the feeling that maybe you could have prevented him from dying, you weren't 'ready' to lose him would tend to make you feel helpless. All these emotions are quite normal, but counselling would help you accept his death. Perhaps writing your dad a letter, telling him how much you love and miss him, the fact that he is no longer suffering and is at peace means he can now rest.