Deep breaths

[refugelagoon]

Hi all,

firstly, may I just marvel at the beauty of this online forum. I have always wanted to create an online forum for people suffering from similar problems to myself, but to see that an amazing network has already been set up has completely blew me away. never had I imagined such a supportive community was so reachable.

i am 19 years old and I have suffered with mental health for about 5 years, but it has only begun to impact my life hugely since 2015. when I graduated from school, I began to feel socially anxious in situations that would normally not evoke such feelings. such situations include seeing my extended family, my close friends, my boyfriend's at the time) family, people at work, people at the gym...almost anyone besides my boyfriend, my mum, dad and sister. even with my closest friends, I felt uncomfortable. I stopped making phone calls to everyone besides my boyfriend about midway through the year, and left my job as a checkout chick two months later. I spent all week at home, occasionally going to uni, but with headphones in my ears so nobody would talk to me. when I become anxious, I stutter and this has caused unbelievable damage to me. my only refuge was alcohol, and for months I drank to avoid situations I couldn't handle. a cycle of anxiety, drunkedness and depression was my life for a year. I lost the love of my life, and started a new job working only 4 hours a week. I had completely lost my independence by the start of 2016, and I was as miserable as ever. In March however, I was lucky enough to meet the most amazing man in my life and his family, who introduced me to the idea of medication. I always thought I was too 'strong' to take medication and did not want to rely on anyone but myself, but I realised I needed it to reach my potential. I wanted to feel alive again. I trialled medication in May, but finally found a match in July. By August, I begun working 15 hours and exercising more frequently, whilst maintaining full time study. does not sound like much but this is a significant improvement which makes me so proud.. I now realise that recovery is not linear - no one recovers and NEVER relapses. Relapses are what make us who we are, for if we never relapsed, we would never grow.

if you have read this far, I thank you from the bottom of my beaming heart. xxxx

[Zeal]

Hey, and welcome to the forum!

Thanks for your great post, and for introducing yourself. I agree that this forum is an amazing place of support.
I too have struggled with mental illness over the years. It started when I was diagnosed with OCD at 13. I had mild depression at that age too, but that lasted less than a year. After 10 years I still have OCD symptoms, but there is acceptance. I know I still need to work on it, but I am happier than I have been in ages. I am so glad you have met an amazing man by the way, with a caring family. In May last year I started a relationship with an amazing and caring man. Meeting the right person is an incredible feeling.

You have every right to be proud of yourself, of your mental health improvement, and of your achievements. Working part-time while studying full-time, being active and maintaining a healthy relationship is a great way to live. If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?

Thanks again for your lovely post!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[White_Rose]

Dear Refugelagoon

Hello and welcome. What an absolutely inspirational post. I hope you are proud of yourself. It can take many years for some folk to gain the insight you have described. Yes, sadly depression is probably always with us. It's called the black dog and I like to think of myself taking it for walks on a lead and teaching it manners. Walk to heel, don't try and run off, stop barking so loud I cannot hear anyone else, stop jumping all over me. I think that describes depression and the actions we need to take to make the dog behave. PS I love dogs.

It great you have found an amazing partner with the added bonus of a wonderful family. As you are taking an antidepressant I presume you have visited your GP. Did he/she suggest counselling of any sort? Not always necessary but can be helpful on occasions if the depression gets out of hand.

Being able to return to your previously loved activities is an enormous step. Does this include returning to uni? I got the impression you had stopped attending. If you want to talk about alcohol addiction etc, there is a thread called Battling the Booze. It's in the Long Term Support Over the Journey forum. This particular forum was set up for threads that have over a hundred posts. I don't recommend reading the whole lot as there are 218 posts. Read a few at the beginning then read the later posts.Heaps of support there and discussion about why people turn to alcohol.

You may also like to chat to other people on the BB forum. I find it helpful to me to chat with others in similar situations, and hopefully helpful to others. Write in whenever you wish. Start a new thread on a different topic in the appropriate forum or join in other conversations.

Great to have you here.

Mary

[refugelagoon]

Hello Zeal,

thanks for your kind reply! it is great to hear I am not alone. I am very pleased to hear that you are taming your OCD symptoms, for I have friends who have suffered from OCD and they feel great pain and frustration from it. you too should be very proud of your improvement. I'm sure it was not easy! your positive attitude will continue to bring you forward, I'm sure of it.

i study psychology and human resource management, and hope to be a councillor at high schools when I graduate 🙂 do you study/work?

xxx

[refugelagoon]

Hello Mary,

thank you for your kind and personal words. I love your analogy about the black dog - it may always be there, but I will learn how to tame it. I know I have great support around me too, which can assist in aiding the dog as well! I hope you do, too.

I am actually currently seeing a psychologist as well as taking my antidepressants, but I only see her around once a month. I used to stutter like mad when I went to sessions, but now I speak almost fluently, so it is interesting to see how I have grown. the therapy has helped when coupled with my antidepressants.

i never dropped out of uni and I somehow passed 11/12 subjects I did, but I really did not engage in the uni experience during my tumble in the darkness, and I knew I could have performed better. thank you for inquiring, though! do you study at uni or work?

thankyou so much for all your recommendations. it means so much to me that someone I have never met would write such a thoughtful message with such helpful content to help me out. i hope you know how lovely you are .)

xxx

[blondguy]

Hey refugelagoon

What an inspirational post from such a pro-active, intelligent and well articulated legend. My heartfelt congratulations to you 🙂

My first ground zero anxiety attack belted me when I was 23. I trashed 10 years of my life thinking I was strong and didnt need meds.....I was so wrong. I started my meds in when I was 36 (better late than never) and realised that they provide us with a platform on which we can heal more effectively and use all the great coping mechanisms that are available

I hear you loud and clear on the word 'relapse' There are way too many 'tags' with mental illness. The roller coaster ride we are on has ups & downs....I just choose not to add another heavy duty 'tag' like relapse if I have a temporary set back.

Anyhow, well done on your academic achievements and your working and exercising to aid your platform of recovery

You should be very proud of your progress and crackerjack attitude. Nice1 🙂 You are an asset to the forums

my kindest thoughts

Paulx

[geoff]

hello Refugelagoon, a very interesting comment which could assimilate to so many people struggling with it.
I can't add much more than all those wonderful people above who have replied, however I am heavily involved in 'battling the booze' as I too was a victim of the bottle when I suffered depression, and it took control over me every single day and was one reason why my wife divorced me, but alcohol has a strong drawing factor because that's what we use just to get by each day.
For you to meet somebody who fell in love with you can easily be a reason why your attention has turned away from needing the alcohol to constantly drink, but it may not stop you from having any alcohol but it's much more controlled, where you decide when and where to consume it.
Being in denial maybe a reason why you took to the bottle, but then being introduced to medication is a great step forward, it makes you think in a clear way, which means you could be open for discussing your issue with a doctor, but don't think that by having a relapse is not good, although at that particular time that's how you feel, but what they do is to build another step for you to learn from, because we never know enough about depression because it's so complicated and it differs from one person to another.
For me a relapse is not good, we all know this, but I know that within a week or so it will be over, but each time it happens I learn something that I didn't know about, no matter how old you are, and I'm 62, that's old. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Refuge

Thank you for your lovely words. I like to think I have contributed to someone's life in replying to various posts and it's even better when someone tells me so.

I am presuming you have not finished your degree yet. Great ambition to help other young people, and being aware of your own strengths and frailties will valuable. I am not a counsellor of any sort but when I was working many of the staff would come to me with their problems. Sometimes I found it difficult not to get enmeshed with their problems. Standing back sounds easy but it certainly is not.

I went to uni as a mature age student, aged 47, something I always wanted to do. I have a degree in Communication and then started a masters in ethics. Enjoyed every minute. I studied part time as I was working full time and had four children. I think I had heaps more energy then than I have today. I have retired from paid work and have volunteer roles. I worked in the disability for many years before changing to staff training and then to HR. Loved the HR role.

My 19yo grandson lives me. Has done for nearly three years. He is an apprentice chef and works nearby. His parents live one and a half hours away. The last teenager I had at home was his dad. I live alone, except for grandson, as I separated from my husband 16 years ago.

It's great that you have a tangible reward after counselling. Stuttering I understand can be frustrating and embarrassing. I stutter a little when I am enraged, which doesn't happen as much these days. I don't think it's stuttering in the usual sense. I feel so angry that the words get stuck in my throat and I cannot speak. Anger management is the key for me.

I hope to see you around the forum.

Mary

[Zeal]

Hey refuge lagoon,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I am also studying psychology! I finish my undergraduate degree in just over a week. I have three exams, starting on Monday morning. I've applied to study postgraduate counselling at my uni for next year, so hopefully I will hear back about that later this month. It's fantastic that you want to work as a high school counsellor. That is a position I would definitely consider. I don't have a paid job, and haven't had many to be honest. I used to babysit a lot, and I had a casual retail job at 18. I currently volunteer here on the forum, and for one other organisation. I've been keeping my eye out for jobs. What about you?

Best wishes,

Zeal

[refugelagoon]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your advice on how to not let booze control me. you brought up a good point about my partner possibly being the reason I don't crave the feeling that alcohol gives me anymore, and I too had that realisation a couple of months ago when I started to improve. I want to ensure it is ME who is ultimately responsible for my recovery, and although he helps, I want to know that if my partner were to ever go that I would be okay. Maybe I will ask you for more advice in times to come. I'm wondering if I should just go cold turkey for a few months. I do not drink too much nowadays, but whenever a social situation arises I find I just have to drink excessively or get the hell out of there.

i am sorry to hear about your wife. I can't even imagine the pain you must have gone through. however, I trust it was a huge learning curve for you and I like to always think 'what will be, will be.' if it was bound to bring you everlasting happiness it would have lasted, but if it wasn't then it wouldn't. I know that is a silly and cliche concept but I find it helps me through tough times that I don't understand.

best wishes xx