Curvy and feeling terrible

[CoOpEr123]

Hi there,
I’m a 21 year old Asian girl 

I’ve never been self conscious about my body even with the side comments and backhanded compliments from my Asian family all these years growing up. I have a very carefree personality so I drop it all, but recently I have gained weight in the pandemic. I used to be trimmer (never was skinny) but now I have a gut and flabby arms and I can’t seem to get it back to flat no matter how consistently I go to the gym. Admittedly, I do not have a strict training regime nor a strict diet but I have absolutely been watching what I eat.

I look at myself every day in the mirror and think that no other 21 year old girl looks like this, especially no other Asian girl. Everything seems to sag and ooze and I just hate my body some days. I get upset with myself because I’m beginning to scrutinise other Asian women and feeling frustrated that they can wear shorts and skirts and baggy things and still look lovely. I don’t like the jealousy and defensiveness I’m now using to observe people.

I would love to find a partner and a meaningful relationship but I keep thinking men will be put off when they see me in person. My previous partners have loved my body but it doesn’t stop these thoughts from consuming me. I keep telling myself men will only like slim women and that I just look disgusting in all my photos. My mother means well but sometimes I’ll show her who I’m chatting to, and she’ll say ‘oh he’s handsome, good that you have a month or so to lose a couple more kilos for your date’ and it just crushes me.

My friends love me and genuinely think I look great, but I’m so conscious about being the one that sticks out because I’m bigger. I just know I’m bigger and I can’t find the confidence to be no matter how hard I try.

Please will you tell me your personal stories if you can relate, and how I can overcome this?? How do I stop obsessing over this? I used to love my body but now I feel revolting and ugly, even though I am picking up healthier habits and physically feeling well. This is not how I thought my 20s would play out 😞

[_liv___]

Hey Cooper,

You are definitely not alone with this. I myself am dealing with the exact same thing you are. I am approximately the same size and am a few years younger. But dispite that I still belive that I know what you are going through.

I have my days where I think i look great but it balances out with the days i feel that I look ugly. I am slowly starting to realize that I am who I am. Yes I exercise and eat healthy but ultimately, I am who I am.

While it is Important to stay in shape and love the way you look, life will be the same. This is something that I am myself am struggling to realize. I will have the same friends and the same life, just in a skinnier body.

Working out and exercise is a great way to boost confidence but it dose not change self worth.

I cannot tell you how to overcome this as I myself haven’t figured this out yet but I wanted to let you know that you are in no way alone in this. Love yourself!!!!

[Petal22]

Hi CoOpEr123,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I’m sorry that your mum said to you what she did I think that’s horrible.

Please tell yourself good things about yourself build yourself up.. tell yourself your beautiful and that you love yourself…. Feed your mind with positive things about yourself.

With positive thoughts about yourself brings positive emotions.

[Guest_206]

Hi there Cooper,

I'm so sorry to hear about the body image angst you're going through and I'm sorry that your mum keeps making fatphobic comments. It's absolutely ok to be the size that your body is naturally - it is just so unfortunate that (as I said in another post) we live in a world obsessed with thinness and diets and weight loss above all else.

You have the right to pursue a relationship at whatever size you are - you are still loveable no matter the size of your body parts and a good partner will love you for you and not expect you to shrink yourself into something that you're not.

Try to appreciate the things your body can do for you - not what is looks like. E.g. your body can fulfil your hobbies, take you for a swim etc. You don't have to love your body, that can be hard when we live in this society/culture, but we can try to come to a place of body neutrality or hopefully body liberation. Try catch the nasty voice saying mean things about your body and remember - there is actually nothing wrong with your body - your body is amazing. Try to be gentle and kind. Easier said than done, but things to think about maybe?

Xg

[chadicha]

Hey, thank you so much for finding the strength to share this. You deserve so much more than to be casually belittled by family, it is very wrong and most likely due to many toxic behaviours projected onto them, so please don't let it consume you. It is hard in our day and age to not be constantly faced with hyper-idealised models, influencers and even what an ideal female body should look like in daily life. It often leads to unhealthy comparative, ruminative thoughts and deteriorates confidence and self-esteem. No matter how much weight you gain or lose, your inherent true worth is who you are inside and the right man will see this In you and value you no matter what size or ethnicity you are.

I believe self-frustration and scrutinising others despite not wanting to is a subconscious process to work through, and is often solved through complete self-acceptance in how you present, and knowing it ultimately doesn't matter. Maybe it may help by shifting the criticality of thoughts to ones of appreciation for how other women dress while separating yourself from the equation. This may help to alleviate the pressures your family is placing on you which is now affecting your outlook on others and yourself.

Maybe this is a time, in your 20's, to focus more on self-love and growth within of who you inherently are- your values, dreams , goals, passions, spirituality, and inner-fullfillment. You don't have to rush to lose weight, there is no timeframe for anything, maybe it is good to not focus on the superficials now.

Remember, your 20's are not lost, this is only a difficult chapter apart of your amazing story. Your body will never define how much beauty and love you can truly experience in life. A beautiful body will never bring true fulfilment. I am so proud of your strength, you are very admirable. keep the faith.