Constant jealousy and possessiveness over boyfriend.

[Guest_9368]

Hello to whoever has clicked onto this thread. I’m an 19 year old female who has been with her boyfriend since February 2019. I don’t know where to start. These things are hard to put into words. We have a good relationship. He treats me well and respects me at all times. Just at the beginning of our relationship we did have some ups and downs. We had people trying to get between us and it caused some arguments. Fast forward a couple months and we are happy and in a healthy relationship. We love each other so much and all is well. This year before COVID came along, he went out one night with friends and decided to flirt with another girl. All they did was flirt but it ruined everything. I haven’t been able to trust him the same. We have spoken about it a million times and yes he regrets it so much and swears black and blue he would never do it again. Technically he didn’t physically cheat but I see it as him emotionally cheating on me. He seeked the attention of another woman and I just can’t understand why. If you knew the two of us you would never think we would hurt each other because we truly are in love and seem like the happiest and strongest couple ever. It’s just since then, I’ve become possessive and I hate it. I’m continuously jealous. I try to avoid watching movies with decent looking girls in it because I don’t want him to “check them out”, I get super jealous when I see him liking photos of other girls on Instagram (I’ve spoken to him about this and he has stopped it but I know he still does it here and there), I feel sick at the thought of him thinking someone else is better than me, I continuously try to change myself so he will always want me, and there’s so much more. I’ve had to delete social media because I always go on his account and see him following all these new girls full of Botox and it just makes me feel so sh*tty and makes me feel like I need to change myself all the time. I continuously cry over this because I hate feeling and being like this. Ive even started to have dreams of him physically cheating on me and it kills me!!!! I’ve become a toxic person and it’s gotten to the point where the way I’m feeling is absolutely ridiculous and I feel stupid for even telling him half the things I’m feeling. I just want to get better. I hate being like this. I hate constantly being jealous and possessive. I just love him so much and I don’t want to lose him to someone else.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_9368~

Welcome here, I've read your thread at:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/body-dysmorphic-disorder

and realise you are suffering from a condition that makes you deeply dissatisfied with yourself - even when not justified. I'm very please to hear you are booked into a GP with the possibility of seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist again.

To feel that way leads to thinking when matters go wrong it is automatically your fault -not the case. I felt the same way.

Some thngs one simply cannot handle by oneself and professional help is needed -I was that way, could not make myself better, in fact got worse until I had the right medical treatment.

With your boyfriend I'm not so sure it is you. True you may feel other females may look more attractive and worry as a result, however having a proper relationship is more than just being able to outshine anyone else in looks, it is about, love, care, partnership and trust. Knowing the other person will always put you first.

If after only a couple of months your BF was displaying interest in other females -and keeping it up with 'likes' even now when he knows how much it hurts then then I'm not at all sure he is putting you first and seeing your welfare as the most important thing.

This is no reflection on you , and it is not a question of "and makes me feel like I need to change myself all the time." You do not need to improve, he does. You are a caring person who deserves someone to make you feel secure, not someone who aggravates the situation.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Guest_9368,

I'd like to thank you for your thread and reinforce Croix's observations. Your boyfriend's behaviour does not respect the reality of having you in his life, preferring the fantasy of the plastic fantastic illusions of superficial appearance over substance and the true value of relationships - that for which you have no need to apportion blame for your feelings of betrayal.

However, you note that he is your boyfriend - not partner, or significant other? Perhaps you need to define the status of your relationship to establish the boundaries that you both accept, or consider your options of whether you can sustain love on his terms. I believe you are looking for more commitment from your boyfriend and may be reading reciprocal affirmation for fear of not wanting to hear it (and that includes being blind to such things also). Presently, you are beating yourself up over this, which can't be healthy in the longer term.

Changing yourself to accommodate your boyfriend's whims belittles the foundation of love at its core. If he cannot love you for who you are, then he probably has no love to give beyond gratification.

It is always difficult reconciling the love you need against that which you receive. Compromise may bring greater heartache over and above the pain of walking away with your self respect.

One should never fear what may be lost, for the genuine will always remain.

I hope this illuminates some of your justifiable feelings.

Kind regards,

t.

[Guest_9368]

Thank you so much for both of your responses. It means the whole world to me. With the character limit it was kind of hard to go into great detail in my original post but I’ll do so now. Things I didn’t mention were that every time I tell my boyfriend I want to change he ALWAYS without fail tells me I don’t need to and that he loves me for who I am and doesn’t care how I look because at the end of the day he isn’t dating me for my looks. Other than liking other girls photos in the past - which he stopped. He has never done anything to make me feel as if I’m not good enough. This is my issue... he has done nothing but I create issues in my head. I’m never satisfied with myself. It’s not him who makes me feel as if I need to change, it’s me. It’s all me. No, I’m not just blaming myself for the sake of it. It’s actually me. I’m the reason why I’m like this. I build scenarios in my head that aren’t real, then I believe them and act as if my boyfriend has done wrong. For example, if we walk past a pretty girl I would think inside my head that he must be thinking that he wishes he was with her, rather than me and then I apply those emotions I feel to real life and then take it out on him as if he has actually done these things. Do you see how I’m the issue now? I hate myself for this. He is the best thing that’s happened to me and I’m constantly pushing him away because I’m making up fake scenarios in my head!!! He loves me to death. Yes he has screwed up in the past (mentioned in my original post) which is what I believe made me like this to begin with - not that I like pointing the finger at others for my problems but it truly is the reason why. If it never happened, I know I wouldn’t be like this. I try forgetting because it was honestly just him flirting with another girl when out, nothing physical but when it’s someone you love you hurt a lot even if what they do is very minor. I really want help. I can’t tell you how badly I want to get better. I just feel so stupid for feeling this way. I know there’s something wrong with me. What I do and feel is not normal and I know that. It even gives me sudden mood swings that are terrible. If I think of it, it can switch up my mood so quickly and I’ll be depressed and pissed off for the majority of the day.

[Guest_9368]

Thank you for your response. I’ve replied to your post below 🙂

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Guest_9368,

Thanks for clarifying - yes, it does sound a bit unfair to pass judgment on what he may or may not be thinking when you spot a pretty girl in the street. Although this is the culmination of prior (real) indiscretions along with present related behaviour that has led you to feeling insecure - on this account, your feelings are understandable. Following any injury, one naturally becomes more aware and cautious to prevent further pain. This needs time to heal without further provocation (from you or your boyfriend).

I hear that you would give anything to hold on to your boyfriend, and that is the essence of love - to do whatever it takes, and make any sacrifice for the other. "I try to tell myself all the time that these Instagram plastic chicks are not worth ruining my relationship with him" - is this the question you should be asking of your boyfriend? What sacrifices is he prepared to make for you?

Perhaps you could share your facebook time (tough for you, but preferable to burying your head in the sand only to imagine worse things?) - try to see for yourself how he processes his reactions and be prepared to challenge perceptions to wean him off the pointlessness of such pursuits when you are the 'real deal'.

While I agree your imagination may not be helping, there is usually a seed of truth behind your feelings and a 'wandering eye' is disrespectful when in a committed relationship - boyfriend should only have eyes for you. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that flirting is harmless as it triggers chemical/emotional responses which can lead to infidelity.

I would encourage you to accept your feelings and work through them in favour of shutting down your awareness of what is troubling, as failure to resolve may lead to greater frustrations in future. Stifling feelings (real or imagined) is something to avoid for your mental well being and I hope you can have the conversation with your boyfriend so he understands his part in the relationship and the risk he is taking in losing you.

Kind regards,

t.

[Guest_9368]

Thank you for your response. I replied to your post above:)

[Croix]

Dear Guest_9368~

Although your latest post does seem to put matter in a different light I"m afraid I tend to agree wiht Tranzcrybe.

Flirting is not ta particularly good idea when in a relationship and neither is (in effect) pointing out those who some may think more attractive to look at than you.

You did say he still occasionally indulges in this practice.

Now I'm not saying these practices are a deal-breaker, or anything so serious in themselves. In fact if you had a robust image of yourself you might be able to shrug them off without undue hurt.

However you are not in that position, and to get there may take both time, medical help, your BF's help and something from you too.

It's not hopeless, just can take time and be very wearing in the meantime.

Among other problems I have an anxiety condition, fortunately now a whole lot better for precisely the reasons I gave above, personal and medical help. Under my current circumstances have lot more confidence in my self, to give and receive support, to be capable of loving and give loved in return

I hope to hear more from you again

Croix