Boyfriend can't function

[ROOH]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend started full time work this year and his anxiety has flared up. He had to go on antidepressants. He was on anti depressants and another medication at first and after this built up in his system he managed to go to work 4 days a week but sometimes had to leave due to panic attacks. His psychiatrist has now put him on a less 'heavy' drug but now he hardly gets to work.  It's extremely difficult for me because I have to look after him in the mornings like he is my own son. Is there hope that the new medication  will start working with the antidepressants? Also the beta blockers seem to only take affect for 2 hours, has anyone else had this experience? Does anyone have a partner who was not able to work but after months the medication started helping? He is also doing systematic desensitisation to help his fear of leaving for work in the morning. He was also diagnosed with aspergers a few years ago. It doesn't help that his parents said things like "what if you can't handle the job" etc when we tried to move out together. That's when it went downhill. Any info or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey Rooh,

 I have just recently returned to full time work myself and can relate to the associated anxiety increase.

I also have been trialling medications, I was particularly concerned when I was put on antidepressant but actually had a good experience on it, returning to work full time without sick leave, until my relationship fell apart.

I have always been against medications but understand some people DO require the medicinal adjustment.

The last few weeks have had me in a bind of little work, due to multiple factors... But some major advice is to not give up on him, and don't let other people (such as his parents) either. In saying this, often times, someone outside the family showing care and recognition of issues without tackling them head on can be a massive stimulant.. For instance if someone on your side of the family was to say or do something supportive towards him (tricky to know what) It could just mean more than any support from his own parents...

A lot of people wont understand this but I am talking from experience... It would compare to say a female walking down the street and having a complete stranger stop them and say 'Im really sorry to put you on the spot but you look absolutely stunning' Your going to struggle not to smile aren't you!

I particularly feel the struggles first thing in the morning but have created some habits to help.

One is to have a couple of alarms set, I need to be at work at 9AM, out of the house by atleast 20 to 9. So I began to start my alarms at 7.30am... Seem ridiculous? Maybe it does... But see im usually awake around that time trying to get that little sleep in. The alarm lets me know its getting close to time to get up. Now im rarely out of bed before 8am, but come 8am im starting to feel much more awake, the biggest struggle is swinging your legs out of bed rather than rolling back over...

Next comes the anxiety of going to work and facing people when all you want to do is curl up and go back to sleep, this is rarely a physically motivated thing, it is psychological. It is a feeling of not having enough energy to deal with SO many people ALL day...

[_NaturalTalent_]

If it is possible, get him to try just making it to work each day, don't apply any pressure to leaving early, comfort him when he gets home if he has had to. And im not saying get in his face, im saying use kind tones when talking, give him a quick cuddle as he comes through the door, have a little lunch together or just sort of cuddle up an watch tv for a half hour or so. Chances are he will feel capable of being back at work after an hour or so.

Don't expect him to go back im not saying that at all.

However, it will leave him sitting there thinking, why did I leave? I feel fine right now.

Seems a bit harsh right? NO

Those thoughts may start out feeling like 'Im pathetic for leaving' but will soon turn to 'Look how often im getting there'

Suggest coming home for lunch if he works near by, or perhaps you could visit him at work for lunch, say, every second day or something.

 Get him to consider cleaning his system of the built up medications if they are no longer working as effectively, he will remember what he's like normally, as is, and have a better perspective on whether meds are working or hurting.

Sometimes only short periods of medication are necessary, and they don't actually stop working, they over work because you don't need it at the time.

Some people can self regulate, only taking meds occasionally, feel a bad day prior to leaving the house and have a dose.

The biggest supportive facts I can provide from experience are:

Don't question his actions, Don't hound him for answers to things if hes obviously & visually struggling to think or process. Just be there... People don't realise that just being there is a huge support in and of itself...

If you sit next to each other a lot, rest your hand on his leg or back or even reach for his hand, don't push these though, exercise them in short bursts, but not too short.

You will get one of 2 reactions initially, subtle acknowledgement of what your doing, or pulling away because he's uncomfortable. If hes comfortable, you will find he will start reaching for your hand or looking for small cuddles.

Know that one huge long cuddle a day doesn't mean much at all... Us males are generally consistent creatures.. so give him short, but many, cuddles throughout the days...

Don't push him to speak about things, just throw out the occasional "are you okay" again this means a lot more to people than most think..

He may just break open and pour everything out to you...

[morgs29]

Hi ROOH,

Thanks for sharing with us here on the forum. I'm sorry to hear you and your boyfriend are going through a rough time.

I supported a partner when he was out of work and suffering with mental health issues and it can be a really hard time.  Well done to you for being so supportive of him and genuinely wanting to see him get better.

Although I can't give any advice in relation to medications, make sure he has access to a GP and other support services, so they can monitor how his medication is going for him.

Don't forget to look after yourself, as caring for someone can take a lot of energy out of us. Make sure you have your own support group around you and take time to rest.

Take care,

Morgan

[shad0wings]

Hi ROOH! 

Sorry about what you're going through.. it sounds very tough.

First of all, don't forget: to look after someone else you have to look after yourself first. Do not stop looking after yourself as well, you need a rest too! 

Second, I am not a doctor so I could definitely be wrong.. But i am not sure if anti-depressants should be mixed with any other forms of strong medication. I am currently on anti-depressants myself and that is all I can take. When I first started them i was extremely anxious and down. However after a couple of months my brain finally settled and it has never been better. Another tip, do not skip days on the medication. If i miss one day of my anti-depressants, it will take me about 4 days to get back to where I was. If i miss it, I feel extremely agitated, angry, and especially, anxious.

Oh and when I first started the medication I had deferred from university, quit my job and even couldn't play sport. I was playing in my semi-final and it was too much for me, and I somehow managed to play until half-time and went to my parents crying. I would advise informing the employer about his situation and explain things. Because he seems too emotionally unstable to be working. It could make things worse than better. He needs to focus on his own wellbeing right now, and so do you. If that means taking time off work, so be it. Health always comes before the job.

Best of luck, please update when you can! 

~ Taylor

[geoff]

dear Rooh, it's great that you have had many replies, so I do hope that you can come back to us, and explain how your boyfriend is going, but also how you are coping yourself, because we all know that the stress for the person helping someone else can be exhausting.  Geoff. x