Best friend

[GrayDee]

Hey everyone, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to these situations but I just wanted to know what I should do. When I started high school last year I was always stressed and my friends all suddenly dropped me so I started hiding out in the bathrooms just to avoid people and cry. Its been a year since I stopped doing that and my best friend just transferred to my school this year. I thought things would be easier to manage now that I had my best friend as well as a few other friends I made. She was normal the first few weeks but then she started telling me I was ignoring her. I knew how bad that feels so I started hanging out more with her, but as soon as I do this she starts hanging out with my other friends and ignoring me. I thought it was probably fine even though I was getting left out by everyone again, atleast I had my best friend. I also vent to my best friend to help me get things off my chest, and she used to be quite understanding, but now if I vent about something like my insecurities she counteracts them by saying she never had any such issues and I need to just "deal with it." She also doesn't respect my personal boundaries as much as she used to. I have told her that I'm not comfortable with too much physical contact (hugs or holding hands) and she used to respect that but now she doesn't. It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't know how to tell her. Despite her ignoring me a lot and leaving me randomly to go to her other friends, she gets mad at me for "leaving her out." I know the things my best friend has gone through and they are quite similar to mine, but she keeps using the way her family raised her as an excuse to get mad at me. She even ignored me for a complete week and then said she felt left out even though I tried to talk to her multiple times. She also is very social and pretty so she uses those things against me when I am venting to her. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this honestly. She always makes me feel like I'm a toxic friend, and lately I've been starting to think I am. I'm scared I'm going to suddenly lose all those friends I made because its only been a year since I stopped hiding to avoid people, and I dont want that to happen again.

[Sophie_M]

Dear GrayDee   Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with such upsetting experiences, and that it has caused so much distress.   Rest assured you are not overreacting, it can be very confronting, confusing, and sad when our friendships change. It is even more difficult when friends stop treating us with care and respect.   It can make a real difference having someone to talk to, so we’d like to invite you to call our wonderful counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or jump onto a webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  Our counsellors are available 24/7 to provide care and support.   You may also like to reach out to KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800. They too are available 24/7.   Please remember that you are not alone, we are here to support you.   Warm regards   Sophie M

[livi_mivi]

Hey GreyDee,

Thank you for sharing your experiences on the forums, it seems as though you are in quite a difficult position right now. It's great to hear that you were able to mend and bounce back from your previous friendship woes and the fear that you are feeling right now surrounding your best friend and other friends is understandable.

I guess there are a number of routes that you can take in this situation. It sounds as though your best friend's behaviour towards you without any apparent reason. There could be a number of reasons for this change: perhaps she's struggling with her new transition at school, she might be holding some resentment towards you and is trying to push you away etc. Regardless, it's clear that this is affecting you and causing some stress so despite how scary it is, it might be extremely helpful to have a conversation with one another now before it gets worse. As she has shut you down before when you were venting, maybe asking her whether it is a good time to talk could help the conversation? For example, "Hey _____ , I just wanted to talk to you about our friendship and how I've been feeling lately. Is that okay?". If she's cool with that, try and avoid you statements "e.g. you don't respect my personal boundaries around touch" when telling her how you are feeling because it could make her defensive. Whilst there is no guarantee of how she is going to take what you say, using I statements "I was uncomfortable with the affection that I received." could be a better way to approach it. Also, telling her why you wanted to talk in the first place, what your friendship means to you and inviting her to speak too could help with the conversation. For example "I am telling you this because I miss you and really value you and our friendship. Is there anything you are concerned about?".

Either way, you deserve to be respected and feel supported in your friendships. It might be worth considering whether this a friendship that you want to still have if you continue to feel this way. I really hope that you can find a resolution that makes you most happy in the long-run and I encourage you to continue reaching out on the forums! All the best 🙂

[Sophia16]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It sounds as if your best friend is not being very nice to you and not treating you as well as she used to. A best friend is supposed to be there for you 24/7 and support you through everything as well as be non-judgemental.

If you have put in a lot of effort and she isn't putting in much back then I think it is best to speak to her about how you are feeling. Express that you feel she is not treating you well and making you feel bad. If that doesn't end up doing anything, then you should think about whether she is really worth your time. Just remember there are so many people who would love to be friends with you. You sound like a very nice person.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.