Anxiety from parents

[Seeker95]

Hi there,

for about 5 years now i have been suffering from anxiety from emotional bullying from my mother, my father is never around for her because he works all week, and she is hurting because of this, she has outburts which can be 1 a month to 1 a day. And she is constantly yelling and screaming to me and telling me how horrible and selfish i am, but i have stuck by her all my life when my sisters have left and hurt her. I do anything she asks and i never say no i am always here for her and it hurts so much, once she has thrown my xmas/birthday presents to her in my face and said i dont want them, and has been so angry at dad before she has pushed me in the pantry and left me there to cry from horror and now i have had a boyfriend for 1 year now and she is blaming everything on him to get to me and making me feel bad for leaving her one night a week so i can stay at his. The other day i took hold of my anxiety and stood up for myself i have never felt so proud in my life until a couple mins after i have been told i have changed since i have had a boyfriend and she yells over the top of me when i want to have an adult discussion with her, little does she know i was sick of her emotional bullying for 5 years and wanted it to stop. she comes up with the littlest things to put me down and hurt me and i get anxiety so bad because i just want everyone to get along, i went to the doctors with her a couple of years ago to talk about anxiety as i had lost 10kg in a week and the dr informed me i could only go on anti depressants and my mother shot up and said no! If you have a problem you speak to me! , and i could never do that because she believes what she wants to believe and never tales what i have to say in account, i feel helpless and if i move in with my boyfriends ill only get thrown in my fave how i am abandoning my family. And i feel like there is no other way out than oblivion. Please help me

[Croix]

Dear Seeker95~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good place to be, as you will see other peoples' perspectives on your situation.

Parents are such powerful people, whether they mean to be or not. Their actions have a huge effect on their children, much more than those of another, and as a result if they are calm, reassuring and loving one has a healthy realtionship and all is well.

When the parent is toxic, and has an abusive relationship with a child then, even when grown, that child will suffer ill effects. You have a great deal of anxiety, enough for a doctor to want to offer you medication, and that makes for a very hard life, for some reason or other it seems to come along with self-blame, or it has for me.

Your mother is pushing all of your buttons, love, guilt, making excuses for her, not feeling like taking her on, and all the rest, with the fact you have a boyfriend as the latest weapon.

Do you honestly think it is going to stop or improve?

I'm very pleased you do have a boyfriend and can get at least one day of quiet and no blame, it must feel so good. If you did move in, and I'm not suggesting either way, I do not think accusing you of abandoning your family would be correct. It is natural to grow and leave the nest.

Plus if you were not there of course nothing could be thrown in your face. Like many you need boundaries, in other words when to disregard waht is being said and see it for what it is -and then say you will not continue and walk away.

Very hard to start to do, but necessary, otherwise your mother will never learn. You will probably need help to even start to do this.

Having an anxiety condition is a horrible thing and it is most often not possible to make yourself completely free of it. So you do need help. May I suggest you return to your doctor - without your mother, and get his opinion while you are alone. It may be he will suggest medication, it is up to you to accept or not, he may suggest therapy, which could do a lot of good.

The other thing an anxiety conditon needs is for the cause to be removed, at least for a while and from what you say that means a rest from your mother. Do you think that might be possible? My cause was my work, and in time without it I improved a lot.

It is a pity your father is away so much, perhaps he too finds home life difficult. Really I'd suspect your mother ought to visit the doctor too, and see if her anger and upset can be reduced.

I hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[Seeker95]

Thank you for your message,

i have confronted my mother again this morning, as she again said ive changed, i replied with she has changed sinced we moved, which was 5 years ago when her marriage went down hill. And she will not accept any blame. She is too stubborn, i dont think she will ever see a doctor or seek help because she always plays the victim. She always replies with “i work my ass off and i do everything for you” she deflects on what the conversation is really about. I just want her to have respect for me and treat me like a daughter.

i dont really want to go on medication if i dont have to, but i will seek help if i have suicidal thoughts. There are times i never feel good enough and things will never change because she doesnt want to change.

my brother is also in a wheelchair which makes it hard to leave home as i need to help out there. I would rather get my own place than be blamed for leaving the family to live with my boyfriend. But its so hard to save. I forgot to mention earlier i am 24 . I feel like someone of my age shouldnt be experiencing this now.

my sisters have cut us al off too because they are the high and mighty type. So as far as family goes i only have my household left.

she also never goes anywhere because my dad wont take her places or give her a break from all the stress and i think she punishes me for being able to go out with my boyfriend time to time and she probably sees it as a kick in the face. But she shouldnt run me down because i have a life, if i was in her shoes I would be sad but i would encourage my daughter to have a better life than me.
i dont think this will ever stop, she has her good days and yes she would do anything for me but the emotional abuse really takes affect on me.

i feel like there is no way out and taking pills wont get rid of her attitude.

[Croix]

Dear Seeker95~

Thanks for coming back and explaining more. I agree taking pills will not stop your mother's behavior directly. Now while I'm not suggesting either way on pills I do think your ability to cope with her continuing behavior needs boosting .

I would think that logical argument and trying to reason are efforts doomed to failure, she is in the grip of emotion, and that simply does not respond to sense in something like this. You are probably right in all you say, she takes out on you a lack in her relationship with your father, and is jealous that you can have a fulfilling relationship.

So if you stay, and without the funds for your own place you might be still living with her for some time. Mind you it is not just lack of funds, your care for your brother is a great thing and should not be discounted.

So what's left? Well at 24 you have amassed a fair amout of experience in life, and are probably now ready to draw those boundaries I mentioned before. When your mother is poisonous walk away, if she follows close a door. The idea being that she gets to realise you are no longer prepared to be a target.

May I ask how you get on with your brother and also your father ? How does they feel about all this?

Not being a target is hard after 5 years, but it can be done, also it is not black and white, you may have failures as well as successes to start with. I'd still suggest seeing your GP on your own, and if medication is not what you want maybe therapy to reduce your anxiety might be a good path and help you have the confidence to walk away from acid comments.

Incidentally if you have suicidal thoughts a good organization to contact - I personally recommend it - is the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) - they also have web-chat if you do not want to talk. They are comforting and professional, and have a realistic outlook. You can talk to the same professional more than just the once. It is free and there for anyone, including you. Amazing how much difference a human voice can make.

I think you are wise saying you would be sad in her shoes but try for your daughter to have a better life. There is even satisfaction - rather than bitterness - in that.

Croix

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Seeker95,

I cannot say that I have been in exactly the same position as you, but I do know about being subconsciously affected by my mother and almost anticipating what it is she would want me to do, rather than listening to my own instincts.

My story is listed on the Relationships forum on this website (if you wanted more details), but I can assure you that you deserve a happy and fulfilling life.

I too am 24, and am now feeling the results of not having developed a strong sense of autonomy from my mum (and parents as a whole). I am not sure how it developed, because I certainly do things for myself, but I think it comes from having always been my mum's shoulder to cry on and voice of reason when she is dealing with a problem in life.

It is important to try and accept that 'everyone getting along' may not be possible. What you need to focus on, is what will make you most happy in the circumstances. Your mother's attitude towards your boyfriend comes from her own insecurities. If you find true happiness with him, then spend more time with him. Do those things that make you happy, and you will find that the anxiety symptoms lessen to a greater extent.

But talking it out with a professional can help that bit more, and can really help you get on top of that anxiety. Sometimes it is hard to keep track of all your thoughts, and talking to someone (who also writes everything down) can really help with the racing and anxious thoughts, It is also helpful to know that there is someone you are sharing them with and there is an active record of what you are dealing with, what you want to achieve and a safe place to come back to.

Family relationships are complicated - no question about that. But for what you want out of life, it may be beneficial to put some boundaries in place for your mum. If she can't adhere to them, then make them one sided. Actively pursue what you want to do, and push back when needed.

At 24, we are both still young, and as I have come to realise, take those opportunities for yourself.

Sending you the best of vibes, and wishing comfort and happiness.

[Seeker95]

thank you for your kind words,

my relationship with my father is non existent, he was fine when i was young but since their relationship has gone downhill, so did his with mine. but that may have been because i have always been by my mothers side supporting her, but he was never really close to me.

my relationship with my brother is fine, we do our own thing and support eachother. we are like any other normal siblings.

as for walking away from my mother when she is like this, it is not possible, i have tried this and i have stayed away and let her cool off and give her some time, but she will walk past my room and slams my door open and shut and screams horrible things in my face. i know i should ignore it and not let it get to me and it is just the heat of the moment but it still hurts, im not strong enough to just brush it off.

mum is a very sensitive person and very stubborn, she always plays the victim when i stand up for myself, it is hard to set boundaries when she is so used to having me do everything for her and we are so close. i do admit i fear her and i find it hard to tell her what i am doing and that it isnt up to her to decide for me because she shuts out and makes it a big deal and she attacks me with her words and then when i do go out for the day or night with my boyfriend i am miserable and everything is in the back of my head with obsessive thoughts. this also affects how i work and i am trying so hard for a promotion and when your head is so clouded and your making mistakes it makes it hard to prove yourself.

everytime it gets real bad i cant eat and i lose weight rappidly, but i find sometimes when i am distracted by my boyfriend or having a good day at work with friends i am ok for a while until my thoughts come back.

this is not fair on my boyfriend either, i dont want to be a burden to him and as much as he wants to tell her off he holds back out of respect for me. i prefer not to go to the doctors that is why i came on here just to talk and get some advice. but if i feel like i really need to and cant handle it on my own then i will seek help. but i find medication scary and im worried about side effects and i really dont want to be stuck on them for the rest of my life.

[Croix]

Dear Seeker95~

You have no safe place to retreat to, your mother opening the door to your room and continuing her abuse is terrible. It leaves you nowhere to go, something you really need, both for a sense of security, and to assist wiht boundary making.

No you cannot ignore it when she invades your space, few people are that strong - at least to start with. It makes life so onerous, not being able to cut it all out for a while. There is an awful lot of difference between her invading your room and screaming abuse, and a situation where you come out in your own time of your own choice. Can you imagine what it would be like to have your own secure bit of the world?

So how do you think you might accomplish this? I assure you it is going to be worth it. A few suggestions to get you thinking - none will be popular:

A lock on your door, maybe your BF or father or some other person can install one. Some are quite easy to put in.

Leave the house when abused, do something you might enjoy, even if it is only a cup of coffee at a local cafe. Is there anywhere nearby?

Go to the doctor (yes I know your feelings about medications), however you are in control and the doctor should have other options, such as a psychologist to give medication-free therapy.

This relationship is making you life terible, affecting your employment, your relations wiht your BF, but mainly it is harming you. Your self esteem is low, and it all takes its toll on your weight, which cannot be healthy. You have the same rights as your mother, though it can be very hard to insist on them at present.

I am glad you have your BF, and the fact he wants to protect you is lovely, perhaps - as you have thought - his giving your mother a piece of his mind might not be the best way. Having your brother too is great, he can see and understand - does he get abused too?

I hope you come back and talk some more. Sadly all the things I've suggested are hard to deal with, but then again you are in a difficult situation, some may not be practical, what do you think?

Croix

[Seeker95]

So christmas was great,

i got told not to bring my boyfriend because she wanted a quiet christmas i was said but i accepted it and said ok no worries.

she later felt guilty and invited him last minute. On christmas morning we started off fine had breakfast. After breakfast mum realised it was getting late and should get dressed and she is easily stressed, so I helped by making a cheese platter so it was one less to make later. And that started hell, “you are rushing me, making me feel like i need to start everything now all because of your boyfriend” then she shut herself in he room, Made us open our presents outside without her and refused to open the ones we gave her.

She came out rushed around and make the lunch and told me she didn’t want my help she then after that locked herself in her room for the rest of the day. My boyfriend came over and we had lunch with my brother and my dad and it was awkward as hell, i told my boyfriend he could go if he wanted but he said its ok ill stay. Later on my mum told me through text you can go to his place. I refused,james could feel the tension and said he thought it was best if he went home. After he left my mother finally came out her bedroom told me i made her look like an arsehole and that i am a fucking bitch and threw one of my presents for her at my head. she then same out and screamed at me and my father with such rage and threw a plant pot on the tiled floor and smashed it everywhere. I am still trembling about this now. She told me im not part of this family and she came in my bedroom late last night took all the unopened presents i saved so long for and threw them in a glad bag and put them in the bin. And said to me “if you hate me go live with your boyfriend”

I have never been so scared of someone in my life. And she is my mother. I feel sick and cant eat. I hope it settles down soon im scared one day i will be the pot plant

[Croix]

Dear Seeker95~

I'm sorry the way thngs turned out at Christmas, the only bright light being your boyfriend James, who sounds sensible and caring.

The same can't be said for your mother, who I strongly suspect has a mental condition that really needs professional treatment.

One of the hard things growing up with a parent who is who has a mental condition is to realise things are not normal and that behavior you have always tried to take in your stride is in fact completely unacceptable and very far from normal.

I don't blame you for being frightened of heavy things thrown at you, in fact this has now degenerated to what is called an abusive relationship. I know it is difficult, however in your place I'd ring 1800 Respect (1800 737 732) and ask their advice on what to do. It may well be you mother needs a medical examination whether she wants one or not.

I know you say your relationship with your father has not been good over recent times, however he may have been facing a very difficult time himself with a wife who does not treat him well and is irrational. Is there any chance of repairing things over time?

It might make you feel better to rescue those presents, not to give away, but just to feel a little more settled and your thoughtfulness not a completely wasted- what do you think?

Croix