25 feel like I’m having a qtr life crisis, lacking in hope and motivation to move forward

[Daniel12]

Hi there

I’m a 25 year old male whose single and I feel like I’m slowly hitting a wall each day. Things I used to enjoy don’t faze me anymore, my life seems like a repeating cycle of spending each day working but also replaying the same thoughts of being alone over and over again.

I have been trying to meet a partner and it is just a constant source of disappointment, I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel…online dating apps contribute to this as I do not get any matches at all and when I do it’s fleeting.

from the outside looking in it would seem I have a good social network but I do not feel part of anything and never have, I have no outlet and things I would do to distract myself are no longer working

I feel lost and do not have a clue who I am or are supposed to be, feelings of complete hopelessness are what I carry each down and I just spend most of the time flat and down although I can mask it around family.

I do not have any suicidal tendencies and I would not do anything like that for my family’s sake but I am questioning what is the purpose of everything I do when I just feel inherently alone

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

Sorry I was delayed and only back now.

I think you sound like a fairly quiet person? Maybe fairly shy or introverted? In which case yes it can be hard to feel like you fit in with a group. I have always been like that. You have to find your tribe - in my case I like really deep conversations that are mentally stimulating.. So I need people who also like that! I also love a great sense of humour!

I found musical and theatre people the most accepting people for anyone who was a bit "different".

What I don't like about online dating is that when people meet up they're always assessing the other person for a romantic relationship and it puts so much pressure on everyone.

Sometimes you meet someone and don't click with them immediately but as you get to know them you discover you really like them. This is why I like meeting people organically and it takes the pressure off if you get to know them first as a friend.

My experience was that people who are using dating sites are ruthless and make up their mind about you very fast and move on without worrying about anyone's feelings. I suspect that's what's happening to you.

Rejection really hurts! Honestly it's not personal - people can decide they're not interested because of really superficial things. They're probably checking out several different people!

I don't know that any of this helps you.. I'd just advise you to not take someone losing interest too hard as who knows what they're really looking for... Eventually you'll find someone who really gets you!

Remember the saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince or princess!

Good luck! 😊

[Daniel12]

What you say makes perfect sense and does help so thank you!

I think this is all a big accumulation of things I have felt for a long time and because I have never really felt I fit in within different social groups I am part of, I tend to take this stuff quite hard as I see it as a reflection of something about me or how I act that causes this.

I have been trying for quite a long time, going back to pre-covid, with not much success and I think I am emotionally hitting a wall as there is pressure from the way I have been brought up and my family that finding a partner is almost an expectation at my age, I am not sure if you can relate to this.

Because I am more quiet in nature, not necessarily shy I would just say you just need to let me warm up so to speak I think this is very misunderstood by a lot of people I meet in any setting. Growing up around a lot of more out and louder people it has made me confused as to how to act and somewhere along the way I have tried to change and as a result I am now lost on actually what makes me myself as strange as that sounds.

I would say I do like someone who is a bit more out there than me but my feeling is they would probably not understand someone like me

Thanks for all your kind words 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I think there is a lot of pressure on guys to conform to the image of being outgoing and self assured, but lots of guys are more reserved - as you say, not necessarily shy just quieter. I've always liked quiet men! They're often kind and more sensitive which always appealed to me.

Quiet people are sometimes mistakenly misinterpreted as aloof or unfriendly. I wonder if this happens to you at all?

I had the same pressure on me at your age to get married! I do understand what that's like and it gets really tough when your friends and colleagues start getting married and having families!!!

Don't let that pressure push you into a relationship that isn't right for you.

Things are opening up where I live and although we're not out of the woods with this virus, all sorts of social activities and events are starting up again and hopefully it won't be too much longer for you in Melbourne. I love Melbourne, I think you're lucky to live there! I have family there.

I was walking around here today and it was hard to recognise this regional city as suddenly all the shops and cafes are busy again and everyone is out and about again!

Have you thought about living in a share house with other people your age? That can be really fun! I used to live in a big share house in inner Melbourne and it was a great time!

You might find you're happy once you get work in your field and have friends and colleagues with the same interests. Most of the friends I have now I met through work.

I had to move here for reasons I won't discuss here and I've found it hard to break in as people seem to form tight friendship groups which I can't break into and long lockdowns have made it almost impossible! I've found the music scene here is the place I seem to fit in with best as they are friendly and more open to different types of people.

I fell in love with a quiet guy a long time ago so don't worry, you'll find someone!

I think you sound really nice! Some girl will be lucky to meet you believe me!

I think you should feel good about yourself!

🙂👍

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

I think you are right about the pressure to sort of fit a certain mould as I have felt this a lot throughout my young adult life. I don't think people would think I am aloof, or I certainly hope not, but generally I believe I come across quite laid back and down to earth as I have been told in the past but it is sort of getting to a stage where it feels like I'm almost seen as "too nice" if that makes any sense and as a result I feel like I am not taken seriously or a "spark" doesn't develop. I think this leads to a lot of confusion in my head as to how I am supposed to act as I have been told numerous times in the past that I have it all on paper which then leads me to believe I don't build enough spark of attraction even in people who are interested to some degree for them to want to continue to pursue and get to know me more that is where a lot of these feelings get triggered.

I feel as people around me are all getting into relationships and things like that, when we open up I may be relatively on my own to do things as I am losing contact with these people more and more. I am also at a point of such frustration and my feelings have sort of eroded to a point where I find myself thinking what is even the point of pursuing someone when 9 times out of 10 it is going the same way and making me feel this way which I don't want to feel.

I have developed friends through my job but unfortunately I am the youngest by quite some way so I do not expect to be going out or spending time with these people outside of work.

I guess the pressure is getting to me quite a bit and the constant repeating cycle of all these dating experiences I have been having is weighing me down mentally and emotionally and each time it makes the motivation to get back out there a bit less.

Thanks again for your kind words and support!