Why is my teenager daughter always angry?

[Monkey_mama]

Hi all,

My teenager daughter sounds angry all the time. Last night her anger went to extreme.

We were about to take the dog for a walk last night. The dog on leash got excited & jumped on me when my daughter pulled the leash, so the dog backfliped and landed on the floor. Both my hubby and I saw it and told my daughter that she shouldn’t pull the dog like that. To our surprise she denied that she pulled the dog and stormed off to the garage. My husband got angry too and started saying idiot or no brain things like that. Then we heard the dog was screaming. I went to the garage and asked if she was hitting the dog. She said yes. My husband confronted her and went close to her. She suddenly jumped back and started screaming and kicking the garage door as if a hysterical episode. we were shocked and stunned. She continued to kick and scream for 2-3 mins. After that, I couldn’t get close to her. I offered drinks and told her to calm down, nothing worked. 3 hours later, I asked her to go to her bedroom and she did. Today she is better but still angry & not saying a word. I don’t know what just happened last night? Should I be worried that she has a mental problem?

look forward to hearing your opinion.

many thanks

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry it has taken time with replying from someone- an indication of the difficulty people have in having an answer to this problem.

I would discount she has a "mental problem" immediately. Just because she gets upset, isn't honest with herself and pulled the dogs lead when she shouldn't have doesn't download to a mental illness.

At her age she, in her eyes, cannot do anything right by her parents. My guess (as I wasn't there) was that she intended to pull the dog with the lead but didn't anticipate the dog being in mid air at the time, slow reactions by her (normal for her age). This innocence meant, when she was chastised, she immediately went into anger mode. The chain of events had begun.

Now, her hitting the dog is clearly not the right thing to do. She was blaming the dog for her clash with you both. Her hysteria was the result of her pride being severely dented.

There is no doubt that these situations with teenagers is 80-90% their fault. They haven't developed fully. We forget how it used to be for us in that period and we cant/should not compare us at that age and what we did/didn't do them days.

But, there is usually 10% of error on our part, the parents, just we don't like to admit it especially to a teenager or they might expect us to apologise every time for our part in the dispute.

Her treatment of the dog is clearly wrong and she needs gentle tuition on that topic but she has to learn how to treat animals. As parents though we often don't see a teens intent and jump quickly when they acted immaturely which is in fact their nature for a person that age.

Anger including hysteria is not a mental illness. If you are attending the doctors for some other reason with her you could lightly raise the topic and get him or hers opinion. Be gentle.

I'd like to finally point out that as parents you didn't do anything clearly wrong either. A better way to handle issues like this if you don't mind me saying is to always ask questions. "Why did you pull the dogs lead"? "Did you realise the dog jumped when you pulled the lead"? and so on. This allows the other person to answer your question and gives them a chance to say "yes, but I didn't mean it, he jumped as I pulled it". By chastising her without asking the questions she was judge guilty before an opportunity to explain.

It doesn't mean you are bad parents. We can all be better parents when we gather techniques from others. Thankfully you wrote in and did exactly that. Well done.

TonyWK

[Monkey_mama]

Hi Tony,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It made all sense to me. I suppose I could do better and think more from her side next time.

Im really grateful that there is such a forum where I can discuss my issues here.

All the best!

[blondguy]

Hello Monkey Mama...and thankyou for posting with us too!

I would like echo TonyWK's post above especially about your daughter not having a mental problem. Im sorry to read about the incident with your family dog....That would have been unpleasant for you..and your daughter

When my daughter was in early-mid secondary school she was angry a lot of the time and the school psychologist mentioned that they have more difficulty with female students than males as per the hormonal changes and/or peer group pressure at school which can sometimes result in anger or being reactive

I am only speaking from my own experience/circumstances of course as it took me a long time to understand what was happening with my teenage daughter...It was an awful time

Just a friendly note Monkey Mama......the forums are a rock solid safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being is paramount to us 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Monkey_mama]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for sharing your own experience. I feel relief to know that my daughter is unlikely to have a mental disorder.

For the past three days my daughter is not talking to me, most of time she locked herself in her room. I tried to talk to her and left messages to her. I suppose she is not ready to talk yet. I will give her more time.

I can see it will so difficult to get through high school, four more years to go.

Thanks again and I will continue to share my thoughts and experience here.

[quirkywords]

Monkey mama,

Tony and Paul have given great responses with kind understanding.

I know teenage girls are full of hormones and are very sensitive. A friend’s daughter would break plates and glasses when she got angry and felt she was accused unfairly.

It is hard as a parent not to get upset when you see your child acting out of control. I think trying to be calm, not to call names and to listen before jumping to conclusions all helps.

Also I found bring up past behaviour can cause embarrassment and shame.

i know my parents would tell others that I slammed doors and other things I wanted to forget. I know they had no idea how it hurt me.

You are a caring mother and you daughter knows she is loved and she feels safe to test her emotions with you as she knows you will still love her.

Quirky