I'm the best at dishing out the silent treatment.. I need help with dealing with emotions.

[Rella]

Hi I am needing advice on how I can change myself.


I do not like bullying, gossip and I don't tolerate people who control others or micromanage people in the workplace but instead of communicating my dislike to these people, I always give lots of silent treatment to them, so I am no different to those bullies and gossipers who I so detest.. I never stand up for myself because I don't know how.. I get angry and then go all silent and won't talk to some people for days or weeks.. A girl I work with has copped the silent treatment for two weeks and my work locker is right next to hers..its awkward.. But I can't stand how she micromanages me and others but I don't know how to stand up to her.. I have been that childish that I have stopped talking to her, I snap at her if she speaks to me and even deleted her off my facebook friends list..


I am a very empathetic person mostly out of the workplace but I must have narcissistic tendencies if i regularly give the silent treatment. I have on a few occasions done it to my husband and daughter also. I've always just seen the issue is with the other person but doing some self seeking it's actually me who is making everyone else miserable by not communicating my thoughts


It's just been a big smack in the face to me today to realise that giving the silent treatment is a form or emotional abuse after finding a post talking about it on your facebook page.. I don't want to do that to other people but I get so frustrated with some that I don't know how to manage my feelings.


To me in my own head I do it because I don't know how to effectively communicate at all with people when I'm criticised, judged, spoken down too or taken advantage of.


Where do I find help in dealing with this. It's becoming so bad that my work life is miserable and im becoming more and more withdrawn in life and depressed.


Thanks

[white knight]

Hi Rella, welcome

You have a big issue with your abuse however you are also an amazing person. Let me explain.

For 11 years I was married to a lady that used silence as a weapon. To a chatterbox like me it was devastating. It began on our wedding night and never stopped. Up to 6 weeks at a time. Some people might think I did things to her that caused it- nope, just normal discussion up to raising my voice when my frustration overflowed.

That behaviour I could never stop. I nearly ended my life over it. I left the family home and was a part time dad to my girls 7&4 yo. So her weapon destroyed my life and hurt our kids.

She did however had one thing you dont have- she had denial and still does even though two husbands after me left for the same reason.

My youngest daughter now 27yo does the same, its heartbreaking as I've had no alternative but to become estranged. My eldest I'm close to and she doesnt see her mother or sister 'why? Because they treated her the same after I left.

Yes, silent treatment is a form of narcissism, control in a pure form. But imo you have stepped away from the extreme of narcissism by self reflection and admission. Well done. Be so proud.

Commonly psychiatric treatment would be in order. But if you have a situation where by you clam up following a workplace dispute, you can overcome this by forcing out one word-"hi". When you disagree with someone, remember, they are likely suffering to the same extent as you are even if they act differently eg if they say hello and get no reply it is embarrassing for them to get no reply. They would also walk away however in the knowledge they stepped up to make an effort.

A psych could get to the bottom of this. Eg in my ex wifes case her mother used to be physical with her, elbowing her as she walked past. This resulted in an attitude "she can be physical but she'll never penetrate my mind". I can understand that result but it becomes unworkable for future relationships where no abuse is dished out....

It takes a high level of courage to break this habit of silence. I encourage you to keep writing in here with examples of how you progress with breaking the cycle.

Starting with a "hi" would be a huge leap forward for you...good luck.

TonyWK

[Guest5643]

Hi Rella and tony.

Youv'e realy had me thinking about this. I dont think silent treatment is a always a form of narcissism. If someone gets so overwhelmed sometimes its there coping mechanism. Im not talking bout if someones in a relationship or have kids as thats different. I chose to do the permanent silent treatment with family including my neices by writing a goodbye sort of note to my aunty and a poem for her to read to my sister but i dont see myself as narcissistic. Maybe im wrong and maybe i am. I think Rella because you seem to be aware and in touch of your emotions that would make you not narcissistic. cheers lynne

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Rella,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post. You've definately had a few different responses here so hopefully I won't confuse you more with my own response too 🙂

I am really glad that you are here and thinking about your emotions and your behaviour. It's definitely not an easy thing to do to reflect how we cope and how our coping may impact others.

With that said though, I really don't think that the way you are acting is in anyway narcissistic behaviour. When I think of narcissistic behaviour, I think of people who have an inflated sense of self-importance and think that they are better than others. When they dish out the silent treatment, it's generally used as a way to manipulate people and to make them feel punished in some way.

With what you've said though, it sounds like when you give people the silent treatment, it's your own way of standing up for yourself when you're unable to find the words or not yet able to communicate about it.

What do you think it might look like for you if you did start to communicate some of your thoughts? What are the things you think you might say?

I hope that this helps in some way.

RT

[Rella]

Thank you so much RT.. I've been doing alot of self evaluation and listening to an amazing podcast that has helped me greatly. I've been observing myself on many occasions and I take alot of stuff on board and it made me realise that I need to step up and say something before it gets to the point where I am overwhelmed and frustrated and I don't have the words.

Your comment...... With what you've said though, it sounds like when you give people the silent treatment, it's your own way of standing up for yourself when you're unable to find the words or not yet able to communicate about it.

This is spot on, so I have recognised this and I am starting to notice when I get irritated that I start to come up with a possible scenario if by chance someone does something that makes me angry.. So instead of shutting down and giving the silent treatment I have come up with a few scenarios of what I could say in the event of someone talking down to me.

Hoping that the next time someone thinks it's OK to tread on my happiness I can be more assertive and stand up for myself. I know it's going to be difficult but I'm tired of being a dumping ground for everyone else's behaviour of attitude.

Thank you and I appreciate the time you took to reply

[Rella]

Thank you so much Lynne for taking the time to reply. I am a very sensitive person with empathic traits, I can be difficult at times, but it's not my dominant behaviour. I give people too many chances and after a while I just stop having anything to do with them. I need to be more proactive with the way I deal with negative behaviour. I need to start speaking up and saying "no I don't find that acceptable.. I lack the ability to set boundaries and feel frustrated when people say and do things to me that are not acceptable.. I have alot to work on personally. But I hear you when you say you stopped contact with your family members. This is exactly what I'm doing to this person at work. She doesn't need to cop my negative behaviour though but she does need to learn that what she does isn't acceptable. And I am working on ways to set boundaries with her but she's extremly complicated and manipulative with that Cheshire cat type personality. I'm still not sure how to approach working harmonious with her but still keeping boundaries so she doesn't control and micromanage me..

[Rella]

Thank you so much Tony for replying, I really appreciate your time. Sorry to hear that silent treatment ended your marriage and put strain on your other relationships with your daughter who has the same behaviour..

I feel for me that sometime in my upbringing something has caused this. My mother is very negative and even though she is a beautiful soul I think she harbours some deep trauma that we don't know about. My two much older sisters are very different and Me and my brother are very much alike and can give some of the best silent treatment but never to the point where we are bad people.. It's a coping mechanism that I feel was needed after some of our own personal trauma.

I am very much an introvert where my husband is very chatty, probably alot like you. He doesn't put up with my silent treatment although he has learnt to give me much more space when I need it. We seem to have open communication mostly although if we fight on the rare occasion I tend to go off and chill out in the bedroom or go for a drive just to go and collect my thoughts before dealing with the after fact of an arguement.

I've been doing alot of self evaluation since I posted my original comment and have come up with many reasons why I would do this.. And I have some ways to deal with it. Although seeking professional help seems like a good idea but quite fearful of initiating that first contact..im giving myself 6 months to try some things on my own and if I can't change my behaviour I'm going to seek additional help.

Thanks again for letting me into a part of your experience by telling your story. I really do not intentionally wish any harm anyone and I'm hoping I can find a way to change myself and my behaviour

[white knight]

Hi Rella,

Your attitude is superb. Lots of progress will be made.

Ok, being silent as a reaction can be ok. Being silent as an effective weapon can be as unacceptable as any violence.

I too have broken off relationships from family and friends that I have decided not to repair and part of that process is silence. I dont think I explained myself well enough last post.

A marriage however is quite different. If a mere tiff occurs and one partner ostracizes the other for weeks as punishment, and ignores pleas for negotiations then silence is used as a weapon. Thats possibly where narcissism is involved which can be torturing as in my case of my first marriage.

So, in the workplace it can be difficult to say hi to someone that is toxic. I've written some threads on this on how to protect yourself from such people because sensitive people often haven't learned how to combat aggression, manipulation or that Cheshire cat mentality as you aptly call it.

Google and read the first post of these

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival (workplace)

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival part 2

Beyondblue topic workplace torment

Beyondblue topic silence the good and the bad

Beyondblue topic the definition of abuse

I hope you find those stimulating. Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[J_R_M]

Hi Rella,

Silence as a reaction to an event that angers or upsets you is, in itself a positive thing. It's the duration of that silence that determines whether it remains positive or degrades into something negative.

People who do the opposite and strike out verbally or physically in the heat of the moment generally regret doing so, so being quiet first is smart.

I don't think you should try to change the fact that you react with silence, just attempt to work on the duration. Find ways to calm down and approach the person that has caused the upset.

Initially decide if you actually want to resolve the relationship with this person, if you do then you need to gather up your courage and risk rejection of your attempt to discuss the matter, generally if someone is not prepared to listen to your concerns and discuss them with you in an open and fair manner, then you might want to rethink whether resolving the issue is worth the effort. If not, move on and do your best to keep out of their way.

There will always be people who think and do things differently than we would or do, try your best to not allow yourself to be bothered or upset by their actions.

Ultimately though, I think you are doing great. The path to a better self cannot be followed until you realise there is a path and you have realised and are willing to walk it. Power to you.