When my words fall on deaf ears...

[HelplessWife]

Hello

I am a almost 40yr old wife, been married 15 years, and known the love of my life since we were teenagers.

We've both had our traumas in life. Most people do...everyone has a past, a story, a tragic moment or two or a shitty hand they've been dealt, they just need to survive with...

My husband showed me how a man should love a woman, and how to be respectful of a woman. My husband taught me to be proud of myself, and open up to being loved and admired and cherished. We supported each other to the n'th degree in all aspects of our lives. We never judged each other, never hurt each other with words and always showed each other kindness.

...Until a few years back... when my husband was diagnosed with depression. He is also more and more reliant on the beers of an evening, on medication, and we're seeing a marriage councilor.

Both of us, for different traumas we've had to live with have openly sought assistance with a psychologist...Our marriage councilor says our our communication skills aren't aligning anymore, and our words are hurting one another.

We both think differently, initially attracted to one another as we were polar opposites. Now this difference is tearing us apart...

I guess, my beef is the lack of respect that I get shown. His would be my lack of love or support for him.

We've both come to resent the other, my for him not seeing that his alcohol intake is affecting his depression, and our love life. Often (at least 3 times a week, bed wetting occurs). This topic hasn't been discussed with the marriage councilor on his behalf, and I get that, as it's shameful to him...but the cycle is the same for me, I see this and am living with this too, but nothing gets resolved, it's a 'pain point for him'. He cannot see that the alcohol is the cause of the further depression, and believes that my words are fueling his elusiveness.

My attempts at showing love and affection are failing, as he continues to feel unworthy, unloved, and useless. Nothing I say makes a difference, my words fall on deaf ears...

He doesn't feel loved. I don't feel loved. We both feel very alone right now. I am lost inside, as I feel so hurt and afraid to say, do, or be the wrong thing for him.

He doesn't like my words, they do nothing for him but spark anger and he pulls away from me, often sleeping downstairs or retreating, saying "I don't get it" "I don't care". He wants me to show love, but I find it hard to show affection when my needs aren't being met either.

Help!

[815]

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for your reply.

I think this is quite relevant:

Support for the supporter is vital, family, even medical, to help get though a devastating time when the one person they look to for love is giving greif instead.

In my own pain and sadness through this all, I would want nothing else than comfort from my husband, however he is the one causing the pain and sadness. I understand that it may not be intentional. So as you said, support for the supporter is also vital.

I was wondering, did you and your partner ever seek relationship counselling to get through the tough times? And if so, did you find that it helped?

Thanks again.

[Croix]

Dear 815~

No, no councilor.

As things got worse I had been under the care of a psychiatrist, which was good, even though I did not open up completely for a long time, I was aware I has behaving badly even though I did not want to.

There were a couple of things that got us thought, firstly my wife, once she understood my symptoms were just that -symptoms, stopped blaming herself and tried to be supportive, which was pretty difficult as I was not consistent, one day just indifferent, another angry, very occasionally trying to make up with the offer of a hot drink.

Although she needed and did not get support from me she somehow kept on going -if it had been me I'd have given up.

The other thing was my wife's mum, who was there for her with both practical help and emotional support. Marvelous!

I've mentioned these before. There are only two things I can see that are different, that fact your husband has not really realized how bad his condition is, and the alcohol. Both need to be addressed.

I'm not sure a councilor is the best person, as I said I has a psychiatrist and that made it very obvious it was an illness, not just a failing marriage full of misunderstandings and unmet needs, perhaps that made it easier in some ways.

With the alcohol that needs its own treatment to, it is no long-term coping mechanism.

The rising is correct in the way things can be said, introducing a 3rd party, the depression, may well help, after all your real goal needs to be to get your husband to acknowledge he is ill and get appropriate treatment.

I doubt a councilor will be enough for you either, at least a few chats with a GP cannot hurt.

Croix

[therising]

Hi 815

It's heartbreaking to hear you're still facing this overwhelming challenge. I feel for you so much.

Wondering if it would make a difference to your own well being in separating the alcohol issue, constructively. Hard to do, I know. What I mean my 'separating' involves making things clear to him: 'While I would do just about anything to raise you out of your depression, I will not tolerate, in any way, the effects of alcohol'. I mention this because I've learned to do this in my own marriage and it has made a difference to how I see myself.

While my husband doesn't live with depression, he does live with a dependency on alcohol. He depends on it to relax him, to ease stress or tension, to alter his mind (when he wants to feel different) and so on. There are certain aspects that trigger me, some I imagine you can relate to. Once he's up to his 3rd or so beer (after work or on a day off), I have to manage not saying something to him that I need him to remember. Have to save that for when he's sober. Because his mind is more relaxed and therefor he's more easily triggered, I used to be so careful not to agitate him too much (can't believe I used to do this). By the way, he's not a physically aggressive person. We rarely ever adventure (add ventures to life) because he's more comfortable venturing to the bungalow in our back yard where his comfort zone is, close to the bar fridge. My intention is not to bag him out, it's simply to relate to how alcohol can dictate the lifestyle of a partner.

I've come to separate his nature from the booze when I speak to him at times:

• I will not speak to you about this, based on the fact I'm wasting my breath over something you won't remember because of the beer
• I cannot tolerate your lack of adventuring based on the fact you choose your comfort zone (drinking included) over the health and evolution of our relationship. As long as you rely on alcohol, I believe nothing will change. You are not this person, you are an adventurer who chooses to drink instead of being your natural self
• I refuse to tolerate your verbal abuse, your immaturity and your lack of respect when you are like this (drunk). You take little responsibility/ownership in the way alcohol impacts you and this relationship. Instead, you accuse me of 'being difficult'

I've found consciously deciding to be intolerant is empowering. While we can feel deeply for our partner, announcing what we won't tolerate from them defines how we relate to our self.

🙂

[815]

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for your reply.

My story is a little different from that of HelplessWife whose thread this is originally. I just came on here to see how things were for her. My story is in the thread - Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope.

My husband is on anti depressants and speaking to a psychologist. So he has accepted help. I guess from my point of view, he has verbally attacked me a number of times over the past couple of weeks where he has clearly blamed me for his depression and has outright stated that he is angry at me. But he doesn't want to talk about and has completely shut me out.

This has taken a toll on my own mental health so I have since sought support from my mum and my sister in law, as well as my GP who recommended I speak to a psychologist. I had my first appointment earlier this week and she suggested couples counselling.

I will go back and provide more updates in my own thread. But I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for words. They really have given me so much hope that things can get better.

And your wife, she sounds amazing 🙂

[815]

Hi therising,

I also want to thank you so much for taking the time to reply and I am sure your words will be helpful to others as well.

As I mentioned to Croix, my story is on another thread and although my husband does drink, that is not so much the issue for us right now.

I came on here originally looking for hope that there are brighter times ahead and I have found that through all the support on these forums. So I am forever grateful to everyone who reads and takes the time to reply.

Thanks again and take care.