what's wrong with me?

[alwaysangry]

Hi,

I am 48 yo male....who is very unhappy, depressed and angry.....i have 3 kids 1 grand child..grew up with alcohol and violence every weekend with my parents, no love at all, no kindness, no support. Both parents worked hard as they had no education, my father's only interests have been cars, mates and getting drunk,and starting fights, still the same to this day, a man child who thinks only of himself. i'm not sure when i first started feeling depressed...i turned to smoking pot at 18, lasted every day until i quit at 40, no alcohol for me as i seen the damage it could cause. I met a girl at 19 we had 3 children, i felt there was no love and left at 29 for someone else who showed me love for the first time in my life....a decision i have regretted since that day...i left my children, i hated myself for doing that, i tried to get back there lots of times but i was to late. i have had lots of on / off relationships since then. started night shift work at 19 including every weekend, only having 12 weekends off in 29 years, so my social life and friends are non existent, i tried to commit suicide in 2009 but it was more of an attention thing i think.. i visited a psychiatrist in 2017 and a psychologist in 2018 who introduced me to mindfulness practice, it helps but i don't seem to have the motivation to do it after 8 months now. i get very irritable and angry at minor things that i should be brushing off, i almost hate the world, i look at myself and see a small over weight old person who can't get things right, and life seems to smash me with stress, i think i may deserve this as punishment for the bad things iv'e done in life....i also feel i'm selfish, i push people away and prefer my own company most of the time, i don't honestly know how to be happy, what's wrong with me?

[BethNichols]

I don't personally believe there's anything "wrong with you" though, you've probably heard that a lot. I think that you're thinking too much about where you went wrong and what you did in the past and not enough about what you can do to actually make yourself happy.

I think you should take some time to think about what really makes you happy, try to find a passion in life. Go back to school, study something you really want to do, regardless of the money. Go outside, try to make new friends. Be around people, be social, and do things for you. You're spending a lot of time blaming yourself for everything that happened in your life, and yes, you may have made a few mistakes. But don't think about what you could have done. Think about what you can do. Make yourself into a better person. For you.

[alwaysangry]

Hi BethNichols,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, and thank you so much for your advice, I've been living a life that i don't like, a relationship that's wrong and i have no one at all for support, so a big thank you from my heart for your help. Bless you....

[jet816]

Thank you for your honesty but try not to focus on the negatives and the things that you feel you have done wrong (be honest have you ever met a perfect person?). I really like what BethNichols said, try to think about what you enjoy or are interested in and go from there. Don't be afraid to see a councilor or psych even to just talk through ideas 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear always angry

Hello and welcome. I am also pleased you found us. we can offer support to you and really 'get' you because we have been there ourselves.

I understand how you feel about doing the wrong thing. I agree with Jet16, have you ever met a perfect person? Having made some huge mistakes in my life I know how they come back to haunt us. It's horrible. Unfortunately we cannot change the past. What you can do is learn from your mistakes and learn how to avoid them in future. I regret many things and being older than you I had more time to make mistakes. As I am older than you I cannot agree you are a small over weight old person. Weight you can do something about. I am on that journey and winning.

I see you visited a psychiatrist in the past. How did that go? Have you considered returning? Similarly with the psychologist? It sounds as though you are mildly depressed but you need to take this up with your GP and possibly get a referral to one or other of the mental health people you saw earlier. How do you feel about medication? It may help but again it's up to you and your doctor.

Mindfulness, like meditation, can be difficult. It is a skill set that is not really taught, the art of sitting in silence and focussing on one thing. This partly due to your brain wanting to stick to its old ways. You can change this. Despite popular myth, ageing does not mean you cannot learn new tricks. Look up Neuroplasticity, the art of rewiring your brain. Science, not wishful thinking.

I can see why you feel so bad about leaving your children to find love for yourself. After such a dreadful childhood someone who loves you is hard to turn down for duty. I think your children would have shown they love you but your pain was too hard to wait when you were offered love.

Constant anger can be part of depression. As you say, i get very irritable and angry at minor things that i should be brushing off. I made things worse for myself by using coulda, woulda, shoulda. Life is what it is, sometimes glorious and sometimes messy. I doubt you intend to be angry or hurt anyone, it just happens. It seems to me you need other ways of managing. I meditate and after 15 years still cannot stay in a meditative frame of mind every time all the time. It's the discipline of sitting down every day doing that counts.

My suggestion is to return to one of the psychs and start again. Talk about your anger etc and ask how you can stop being angry. It's all about accepting yourself.

Mary

[alwaysangry]

Hi Jet

i have seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist, one for 2 months the other for 8 months, nothing changed for me, maybe a little, i don't see any light at the end of any tunnel, i try to go to gym and eat ok, but it's temp, im over temp solutions, i think life has just ridden me into the ground so much, time after time, it's hard to get back up now, i been doing night work for 29 years, no weekends off, no social life, i'm in massive debt with a mortgage, i have a bloody train horn waking me up at 3.30 am so sleep is 3 hours at a time, i'm pretty sure my gf has had enough, haven't heard from her for nearly 2 weeks, i don't blame her, as she said you have mental issues and anger issues, which i agreed, i'm not violent, just choose the wrong words and have no patience... i'm not on any meds but i think i need to. what do i do? i'm not on here for self pity, just some advice and maybe someone to talk to...thanks for reply, it means a lot...

[alwaysangry]

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, i will take your advice on board and start the process again, as a lot of people know it's really hard to be positive when there's no one to talk to, and my life is really lonely so negative thoughts control and same old same old keeps occurring. Life is ground hog day. I take my hat off to you and anyone who has picked themselves up from rock bottom and has continued their journey, thanks again, this place makes me feel that some people do still care about others,

kind regards,

Scott

[White_Rose]

Hello Scott

Life can indeed be lonely. It takes a lot of energy to get out into the world and be with people.

I have picked myself up from rock bottom as you say but only with the help of others. Had I been alone I would not be here now. I hope you are not cruising to that point. It's hard, damned hard to rebuild your life, no two ways about it. I was 55 when life went pear shaped. Just when I thought all was going well with me along came a fist from left field an knocked me down. All metaphorical of course.

But it can feel like that as though you have been punched into the middle of next week. Or maybe last week. It takes time to get your breath back. There is help out there I know because I had help. One of the good things about writing here is that I am often writing as much for myself as the other person. Sharing our stories and discovering we are not alone in uncertainty and pain has been a revelation to me. I thought I was the only one who did silly things, said the wrong thing, got upset over what others called nothing. I am not alone in this.

I learned to fight back and it was a huge journey. I probably sound very glib with my comments because you cannot see the road I travelled but believe me, I was ready to give up so many times. I think many people would be amazed to know how much they helped. Not because we spoke about my depression but because we did not speak about it. We had 'normal' conversations about work, the weather, why the train was late. To be treated as an ordinary person was so refreshing at times.

So write in here as much as you wish and tell us about yourself. We are here and listening. Talk to the psychiatrist or psychologist and tell them how nothing seems to be happening. They can explain it better than me. Try to see him/her as trustworthy and able to help. Someone you can tell all the horror stories of your life. It sounds as though they need to be told to someone.

Mary

[alwaysangry]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for giving me some sound advice, i really needed it, things have been terrible but as i've been told sometimes you have to go through the really bad times to get through to the good. Here's hoping

Thank you so much,

i really appreciate it

Scott

[Bambiigrrl]

Maybe try helping others? I am about to start my career in the aged care industry and it was just what i needed. Ive met really friendly and kind people and it feels so good to help someone, so good that its pulled me out of ptsd related depression. Even if you volenteer somewhere once a week. It really does shift your perspective