Wanting Change

[ElaB]

Hi everyone,

Firstly I want to acknowledge how great it is to have a platform like this to seek support and a huge thanks to the mentors and volunteers.

I'm a woman in my early 40s who suffered from major depression and anxiety for most of my life. I also have problems with addiction and have been in and out of rehab for the last couple of years but unfortunately have not managed to get on top of things. I'm currently in a relationship but things aren't going great because of my issues with codependency. It's so bad that when he's not home I suffer from horrible anxiety and when he is home I just put ridiculous pressure on him due to my neediness. Some friends are suggesting I try rehab again and the time away from my partner would be good too. My questions are has anybody got strategies for my codependency issues? Also, I'm starting to loose hope that I won't get on top of my issues with addiction and wander if anyone that has felt the same has some words of wisdom moving forward. Thanks everyone

[indigo22]

Hi ElaB,

Welcome, thank you for your appreciation of the forums, it is a very supportive place to come and thank you also for telling us a little about yourself. I too have been dealing with major depression for most of my life, so I am sorry things are not going as well a you would hope at the moment. I am not able to help you with the addiction, anxiety or codependency sides of your post but there are others who will be able to give you some input on those topics. I am unable to tell from your post what steps you have already tried with your mental health ie. counselling, medication etc. If you feel comfortable, perhaps it would be helpful to expand a little on your post. Addiction is always a form of escape from something we have a difficult time facing or dealing with so don't give up on yourself yet, you are still building your muscles to do something that many don't even try to do. Be kind to yourself, I feel sure you will eventually overcome it, given that you have reached out for support, and are wanting change. Those are great first steps. I am going to leave others to chime in on some of the things you mentioned but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Take care,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi ElaB

I'm so glad you've come here, where you'll meet plenty of people who'll be able to relate to various degrees when it comes to the mental health challenges that can make change so incredibly difficult at times. With a desperation for major change, I've found sometimes it's the little changes in the lead up that can make a difference. Great leaps or little stepping stones, they're all a part of the journey. With you posting here, you've created a change that I hope begins to make a difference.

Brief rundown, so you know where I'm coming from: I'm a 53yo gal who experienced long term depression from late teens to 35. Relied on alcohol to various degrees for emotional regulation during that time. Between 35 and now, faced periods in depression. Experienced mind altering anxiety for the first time in my life last year.

I can relate to what Indigo22 mentions about addiction being about a form of escape. Kind of like 'I can cope with what I face and how I feel life, as long as I have something to help me cope, as long as I have something to change my perception and feelings'. Kind crazy when you think about it, how we can go through hell trying to find the right mind altering med from a doctor or specialist that'll shift our chemistry but as long as we're over 18 we can walk into any bottle shop and pay for a bottle of mind altering substance that'll definitely shift our chemistry in a number of ways (a lot of them not good). It's a strange world we live in. As soon as I came out of long term depression, I found alcohol got in the way of how I enjoyed feeling life. It's so hard to break an addiction when it leads us to feel how we want to feel.

I think some of the challenges with depression and anxiety can come down to how we feel our experiences and how we interpret those feelings. All feelings are telling. With alcohol, I can't feel telling emotions because alcohol drowns them out or kinda muffles them. If I want to get a really good feel for the nature of what's depressing or anxiety inducing, I have to be able to feel my way through those challenges. Definitely not easy and incredibly painful at times. If a depressing or anxiety inducing feeling or emotion is telling me 'You need guidance, you can't do this alone' or 'This experience is so soul destroying. You have to make better sense of why it is' or 'You're self esteem is so low. You need to work on developing skills that'll lead you to trust in yourself more', feelings become those things that act as a compass, dictating the best direction. I've found the real problems come not from feelings but from those around us who don't make them easier to manage or they act as a saboteur in some way when it comes to that best direction.

With hundreds of different feelings, it can definitely be tough interpreting them all. From the feeling of 'At crossroads in the middle of nowhere, alone in a heap on the ground while not knowing which way to go' through to feeling what 'A desperate need for change' feels like, those who can relate to certain feelings will understand how incredibly painful they can become at times.