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[Kielbill]

Hi, just joined recently. I know that I have a problem but I really dont know what it is or exactly how to describe it. I understand I could go to the doctor for it, but its really hard to do with my job. Since it takes mental health into consideration. I find myself enjoying daydreaming far more then reality, I can distinguish the two and switch rather quickly but find little joy in the later. I dont know if im depressed as I dont feel sad, but I also find most of my emotions mute and rather chaotic in a sense. Some days ill feel lonely, but others I really enjoy being alone. I know I have anxiety but it comes and goes as does my mood. However even with this, the spikes and lows are very close together rather mute in fact. I can tell the differences, but it doesn't feel like it should. I have felt this way since a young child, but my mother believed mental health could be changed by attitude so i put away the thoughts. Mental illness runs on her side of the family but in her view its just because they didnt have the mental fortitude. My family has always been very big on wearing masks and your current attitude is what you should feel. So if I show myself happy, eventually the mask will reflect what i feel inside. I dont know if i have gotten good enough that it fools even me? Since if I need to, i can change the mask I wear and somewhat feel like how im pretending to be. I will feel rather tired afterwards however. On rare rare occasions probably 1-2 times a year it feels as if the mask falls and everything rushes me. All the anger, sadness and even joy that I should have been feeling the whole year all at once. My anxiety sky rockets and I cant do anything for the whole day. I usually experience migraines at times like this and would get them as a kid since this phenomenon has happened since my early teens. I dont feel like im actively suppressing it, it feels as if it falls away afterwards and im back to whatever i was doing before hand, just a bit more tired. If anyone has felt this way or understands it at all I would appreciate the help.

[Desedrata]

Welcome to the forum.

My father is of a similar attitude to your mother. The problem with this is it doesn't work. Each generation just emotionally frazzles the next. The earlier one gets professional help the better off they will be in the long run. I do understand however your concern to maintain your occupation. I have no qualifications I am just a newbie here like you. To get you started though you could ask yourself this question if you haven't already.

Does the mask fall off around the same time each year and if so, Is there some event or even minor accurance or even person that you see at the same time each year?

This could be a stressful situation where as you say the mask falls off or even a happy one where you feel comfortable to be yourself and thus temporarily don't feel the need for the mask and drop it rather then, it falling off.

Since you have been dealing with this a long time on your own I think it would be a really good idea for you to call the hotline.