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Uhh idk what im doing here

onge
Community Member

Hello, whoever is reading this,

 

I am a 20yr old male and I have been suffering for about my entire life. I come from an extremely abusive and toxic childhood and haven't processed it at all, I don't think. I have spent the last 2-3 years abusing drugs and making ridiculous choices without progressing at all in life. I have no goals, no motivation, no want to live or to be social. When I do get out it's usually fine and I have a great time but I regret It immensely when I'm home. My drug abuse has been getting considerably worse in the last month and I'm not sure where to go from here.

 

I have been to the GP several times, which resulted in two grand-mal seizures from an allergic reaction to the medication I was put on. I have broken my shoulder and lost my job as a result of this. I have also tried various psychologists and it just never sticks nor continues. There's a lot more to this but I just don't know if this is even going to be worth it. Just a shot in the dark. Thank you for reading, my apologies if I have not made sense or misspelled anything. 

 

Regards A

8 Replies 8

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Onge
 
We just want to thank you for reaching out this evening; it’s a brave thing to do when you are feeling so defeated.  We have also contacted you privately to offer additional support.
 
What you experienced in the past was not ok, you never deserved to be treated in that way and we are sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like you’ve had to survive under difficult conditions that might have defeated others, how did you do that?  There are many people in your situation who are unable to face life’s challenges head on, for you however, are here acknowledging your drug use and the impact this is having upon your life and this takes a lot of courage; we commend you for this.  You might like to reach out to the Alcohol and Other Drugs Information Service (ADIS) which provides lots of resources and treatment options in your area.
 
It can be difficult when you are trying all you can to find ways in which you can help yourself, the one thing to know however is that you are not alone in this.  In addition to GP and Psychologist support, reach out to family and friends, support services, as you are right now, talking about how you are feeling can have such a powerful impact on the way that you are feeling.  It is hard to find things to motivate yourself when you are feeling so low, you might start with asking yourself, what do you think is a good life?  What kind of a person do you want to be?  What is the most important thing to you? 
 
If it helps you can call our counsellors anytime, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat .  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Above all please remember to be kind to yourself; our community members will be along shortly to respond to your post; they can offer lots of compassion, helpful advice and may help you see if things haven’t worked before this might be an opportunity for you to try something different.  Please take care of you.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M
 

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Onge, a warm welcome to the forums. 

 

I'm glad you're here! 

 

If HOPE brought you here, that's great. 

I'm so sorry for all you suffered during your childhood. 
I was surprised to see your age and your potential expectation that you may have processed your Family Of Origin (FOO) issues. 
This study can still reveal things after many years. It takes patience and as Sophie said KINDNESS to yourself. 

 

The thing about seeing various psychologists and it never sticking or continuing is that YOU have continued. 
There's a lot of life left in you yet 🙂

 

It's within your power to begin now. 
You may want to seek a group like Narcotics Anonymous. I know there's one group that has permission to run with ppl still using, an International online group. IDK how you find this but possibly calling NA will help point you in the right direction.

 

You may not need THIS group but it will make all the difference to your recovery if you can connect with support of some sort. 

Still, this commitment to recovery WILL be up to you. 

 

Nothing worth anything comes to us easily. I would never say the path of recovery is easy for any one. 
But it IS possible and you are SO WORTH IT. 

 

Hold strong to the knowledge that your purpose will either be revealed OR you can create it.
I prefer the latter. 

 

Feel free to use this space to share and PLEASE visit other threads in the forums. You'll find connections in the least expected places. 

 

Take care
EM

 

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello onge, unfortunately your childhood has prevented you from developing the way you had hoped and instead been using drugs to try and process your life.

This must have been such a relief when you started, but then you became addicted and all your direction in life was guided by these drugs and prevented you from being able to move forward in a positive direction.

I really feel for you in having grand mal seizures as I've also had many of these, until medication controlled it, which are several different types your doctor can prescribe for you, however, these medications are fighting against the drugs, which may make you feel that your use may need to be increased, eliminating the effect the medication should be providing you, so it's a catch 22 situation.

You need to find a psychologist or counsellor who has the experience in dealing with people addicted to drugs, because other psych's are just going to tell you that you need to stop, perhaps you realise this, but there are appropriate ways in dealing with this, rather than being straight to the point, because if this happens, you aren't going to be interested in what they have to say.

Sure you can go to rehab but it's when you get out that could be a problem, seeing your mates again isn't going to help you and if you want to get back your life, then no contact with any of these 'friends' is preferred.

Please ask any questions you want.

Geoff.

Life Member.

onge
Community Member

Thank you kindly for finding the time to respond, I will do my best to look into ADIS. 

onge
Community Member

Hello Em,

 

I am more than gracious for your time in this reply. I am quite stuck as my drug use is a continuous cycle of binging different substances for weeks straight and then abruptly stopping or changing drugs. I know it's a terrible cycle, I am just so tired of feeling like I am living with something that died inside of me years ago. I will look into some Drug and Alcohol programs. Thank you for your time.

 

Regards A

onge
Community Member

Hello Geoff,

 

I am in total agreement with you, most of the sessions I have had have always been, "ok, stop doing drugs for starters" and I feel really attacked and majorly ashamed instantly as I know it is a disgusting act towards society, my family and myself. I think I will try and find a counselor/psychologist I can be comfortable with and in return hope to make some progress in my drug responses. I appreciate your response and empathize with the seizures, they were very terrible and left me on my a**, jobless, without license, and isolated. 

 

Regards A

Mark Z.
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Onge,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your experience from childhood till now, I can tell you suffer so much, it must be so hard for you.

 

But you're so brave to keep trying different ways of professional support. Don't doubt yourself, you're doing absolutely right. You just haven't found the way that works best for you.

 

When you say you got medication from your GP, do you mean it was the prescription from your GP directly, or your were referred to some drug treatment services?

 

And, have you tried peer support service? Or peer group? Maybe people with lived experience can understand your pain and help you more.

 

Hope everything will be better.

Mark

Petal22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Onge,

 

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand drug addiction is hard to deal with.

 

Im sorry for your childhood and I understand that sometimes people turn to drugs to try to compensate for the way they are actually feeling inside.

 

To heal you need to go from the inside out and you can do this with a health professional.

 

Sometimes when we can do our inner work amazing things can happen for us.

 

Im sorry for what happened to you with your seizures.

 

You really can get your life back on track but first you will need some sort of intervention.

 

Please don’t loose hope because people can recover from drug addiction.