This is very scary

[Jes247]

The way that I am scares me and makes me miserable but actually posting on a public forum thingy is possibly even more scary! I have never posted to any kind of forum, & to be honest I don't even really understand how this all works.. Sorry if that sounds stupid.

I am just sick of feeling miserable & I get even more down not having any support or any1 to talk to it couldn't get any worse or scarier. Even though I feel embarrassed I feel even more lonely so really what have I got 2 lose.

I don't know how these forums sites whatever actually work but it would just be nice to have someone to talk with that i can relate to. Trying to describe or explain my anxiety & depression or even mild ocd to my partner or any1 else just makes me want to punch myself in the face n I end up giving up mid conversation it's just so frustrating & I just end up upset & feeling like a crazy person embarrassed & wondering why I even bother. I am just at the stage where I just wana give up. I am so tired & I feel exhausted, does anyone understand any of this? I never feel like I make sense.

[JessF]

Hello Jes, well done on overcoming your fear and making that first post. This is a really safe place to talk about anything that's on your mind, so I hope that goes some way to reassuring you a little.

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind both with coping with your own illnesses and trying to explain them to your partner, friends and family. Are you feeling that they're not supporting you enough? Perhaps a good place to start is to work backwards from what you want to happen. Putting your anxiety, depression and OCD to one side for the moment, what support would you like from your partner that you're not getting right now? What are some practical things he could do that would really be helpful for you? You may find it easier to communicate about those in the first instance rather than trying to explain mental illness, which can be overwhelming. For that, you can always direct people to this site which has lots of information and is easy to read.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

[Jes247]

I'm literally in tears that someone listened to me and gave me a response. Thank u. Im definetly lacking in the support area which is y I thought this mite be the answer. I read a few posts that gave me a tiny feeling of hope that I'm not just a crazy person. It feels like some of these people are me talking! Somehow it gave me this little sense of relief. My mother doesn't really understand & considers things like this weaknesses. Although she lost her sister many years ago from the same thing & blames herself since they didn't talk about things like that back then.. so I give her a lot of credit she tries her hardest for me but mostly has the get up get over it advice. She gets annoyed when she wants me for something n Im having a day/few days that the phone or door doesn't get answered. I feel like I have to pretend I'm all good 4 her so she doesn't scrutinise me constantly & I don't keep disapointing her. I actually came across this site after another huge fight with my partner coz I just can't seem 2 get back up lately n I keep asking him 2 do things 2 make me feel better when I'm upset n he just refuses 2 comfort me if I get down, he tends to do or say things to hurt me n doesn't understand that something he thinks is not a big deal is so hurtful to me.. if I end up in a panic attack or if I start to feel it coming n ask him 2 give me 5 minutes or just stop yelling or taking or move away a bit he thinks that's him "letting me win" or bowing down to my "tantrum". He's a huge trigger, & doesn't understand it. Iv asked, suggested, yelled google, plz do sum research! so many times, I just cant explain wots goin on in my head coz it's goin 2 fast n he looks at me crazy I can usually catch panic attacks but mid attack I cant catch a breathe 2 speak n hes yelling that I ask him 2 talk 2 me but wen he does I won't talk so I managed to just finally type in myself 'how to handle partners with anxiety' and almost throw the computer at him, I think he mite have read a paragraph or something..

[Jes247]

...
Do you think it's normal for a partner to not want to learn about it?? He's all Iv got around me as in adult wise to conversation n communicate with but i feel like my thoughts bore him n Iv got 2 deal with my head aswell as house kids (they're not his) bills money n just everything. It upsets me so much it genuinely feels like he doesn't really care, like he's setting me off on purpose, n knows exactly how it's guna end wen he starts jumping screaming arguing n I start 2 freak freeze hyperventilate.. Then he just leaves me feeling like nothing. Like I just want 2 disappear. It takes me so long 2 get back up its just a waste. I have 2 kids that deserve better than a mum in bed. I don't think any1 in this world is trustworthy.. I moved far from my friends so I didn have 2 deal with any1 they would all just talk about each other i just don't want to know or think about what they think of me n I get so nervous if there's parties or they ask me 2 go somewhere. Seriously I really just don't understand wot is the point of this crap, I know lots of people r worse off n it's not like my life is so bad! Im just finding it harder n harder to get back up. Sorry I know I talk way to much and write huge essays, I'm trying to change that but somehow my head just wont stop, & I hate wen I have to try keep all this in coz it feels like it mite explode n I just get real sad. I feel so overwhelmed because this is just 1 part of wot I worry about. Heart starts pounding wen I think of wot else i have to do pay for think of organise fix clean.. I even feel like a huge hyperchondriac, everybody deals with these everyday problems, HOW?! Is wot id like to know!

[ci]

Hi jes

Wanted to post after ready your story. I'm also a mum I have ocd took years to figure out what it was but finally found out ocd.

I can relate to you hiding from everyone I did the same and lost all my so called friends. I say so called cause if they true friends they would have come looking for me. Or noticed I wasn't around.

It's so hard to have a relationship when you coping with so much in your own head believe me I know. My husband would get frustrated with me for years but finally he did do the research well actually read the stuff I printed for him could you try doing that for your partner I found printing off stories not from this site but there a lot of sites that are to do with research and they explain great detail the symptoms and daily issues we face. It was like a light went off and he finally got it.

Your mother sounds similar to mine can be so frustrating to put on the everything ok mark for others. I've been trying not to cut its hard.

Are you seeing anyone to help you with all this have you had diagnosis recently?

Anyway just wanted to say your certainly not alone venting on here helps me and I hope helps you to.

[Greyhound123]

Hi Jes and welcome.

Your story really strikes me, because you described exactly how I have felt quite a few times. I have OCD too and it is so hard to try and explain to people what is wrong, some people just do not get it. It is sad that in this world where education is so easy to access people refuse to learn.

Yelling and arguing is a massive trigger for me too, I hate it and when people yell at me the adrenaline pumps and i want to cry and curl up and hide. The comment that it is like he is setting you off on purpose is a little worrying. If he is doing it on purpose (probably subconsciously without even realizing) then essentially he is gaining a reward from the behavior of setting you off (e.g. winning the argument (for further reading google "skinners operant conditioning")). With people arguing and yelling you really need to set boundaries about what is acceptable, my wife is from a culture/family where massive arguments, screaming matches and tantrums are the norm. When we first met she would try this with me, but as soon as she yelled, called me names, or belittled me, I would ask/tell her to stop once or twice, and if she continued then the conversation was over. I just walk away, and if she follows I keep walking until she doesn't. This only had to happen a few times for her to realize that her behavior did not have the desired effect, and when we where both calm I had a serious talk with her and explained how it made me feel and that it was unacceptable. I think us with OCD and mental health can at times make victims of ourselves, and tend to put others up on a pedestal. You have to remember that only you an adult and do not need to accept others poor behavior, you don't deserve it. But on the other hand, it is some people way of dealing with things because they do not know how to deal with things as an adult and I kind of feel sorry for them.

My boss on the other hand....he just loves to yell..and that took a hell of a lot more boundary setting.

I too get the feeling at times that I dissapointed my family, by not doing what they did or expected at different times in my life, however remember that you have your own journey, with your own achievements expectations.

If you feel you need to talk about things here is a great place, I have only been here a few weeks but some of these regular guys are great listeners and have some great advice.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Jess,

I'm glad you are here on the forums, it works for me because I can try to express things, write long or short, and two things happen - I hear what I am really thinking through writing it, and others relate to what I'm saying. I don't think you are crazy, life is just messy and complicated sometimes.

Partners whilst we love them sometimes say the most unkind thing or seem to refuse to listen or acknowledge, what you said about your situation there is real, I don't think it is ok to be made feel that way. I suspect he knows what he is doing but I could be wrong, he might not have considered you and be focused on himself - which sounds more right to you?

Before you moved it sounded like you had some good friends and support, it would be great to have that again I'm sure. Is it any way possible though to go on a bit of a holiday, just you and the kids, or back to see some old friends? I say that because it is what my mum did when I was a kid, things were bad for her but in the rented cottage by the sea she came back to life a little, slept in and then went down the beach or whatever, and we have some really good memories because of that. Overall things got better too.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello and welcome.

Rob.