This is me

[Ateca]

Hi, I want to tell you about me.

This will take a little while, but I'm hoping that by actually putting myself out there that it might be cathartic and allow me to move forward, so here goes.

I'm a 54 yr old woman, and I have been caring for others for 32 yrs now. First as a parent then as a carer for my parents also as a job as a dementia carer. Six years ago I did the palliative care for my Mum who had kidney cancer, I took on all the responsibilities, and when she passed I was unable to grieve as I had to continue looking after my two children and my Dad. And now six years later I still have not grieved. I was employed as a dementia carer but had to leave the job three months ago due to burnout after four years on the job. Now I look after my youngest daughter who suffers with mental health issues and my 81 yr old Dad who has been told he has if all goes well two years left. I try so very hard to display positive vibes for them both, I however am starting to struggle. The home we rent is owned by my sister, we have been renting it for over 22 yrs now, and I have just been informed that once our Dad passes my daughter and I will be evicted.

So now to bare my soul.

Because I never grieved my Mum and the fact that after getting close to my clients and being there for 19 of them passing away yet still not mourning, I feel like I'm broken in some way. I don't cry.

I'm constantly stressed and scared about my impending homelessness, my constant financial struggles, and the fact that I'll be dragging my youngest down with me. I can't voice any of this to my family as they don't need that on top of their own worries, and basically there is nothing they can do to remedy the problem.

Every day I have feelings of extreme depression, fear, and hopelessness, I physically feel as if my heart is breaking. And I understand why, I'm heartbroken that all my hopes and dreams are not being met. That is, feeling safe/secure, feeling as if I have a future. I try to remind myself that others have it worse, my family (besides my sister) love me. But at night when I have that quiet alone time I think to myself, "once Dad is gone and when youngest has moved forward with life, what then?" I know I'll keep pushing on for my kids, putting one foot in front of the other so to speak. Although it doesn't stop the fact that I feel as if every day a piece of my soul is slowly dying off.

I know there is no quick answer or solution. But thank you for reading this and seeing Me

[That Other Guy]

I'm sorry you've had so many struggles. I'm sorry your housing is so precarious, women our age are the fastest growing group of homeless people I am afraid. Might it make sense to look for another rental now, while you have time?

It doesn't matter who has it worse, your life is yours and your struggles are yours. Of course you feel them deeply.

I hope you're able to find community and support. Certainly I feel for you and hope that things can improve.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ateca,

Thank you for sharing this, and starting a thread of your own. It's a really brave and powerful thing to do, and you never know who is reading this and feeling less alone because of it. 

It sounds like you've had a lot on your plate for a long time, and it's made it really hard for you to have some space to be open about what's going on and what you're feeling. It's not easy to open up like this, so we hope you can see it as an amazing step towards feeling better. 

It sounds like you deal with some really difficult feelings, so please know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for more immediate support. You can reach out to us anytime on 1300 22 4636 or online, we're here 24/7. It can be really helpful to just talk it out with our counsellors who can share some ideas for more support. Like you've mentioned in your post, sometimes you just need to feel heard or seen. 

Here’s some things it might be useful to have a look at:

• Our pages on Grief and loss, including some advice on supporting yourself and reaching out
• GriefLine’s resources for those affected by Grief and loss, such as the EAST Self-care guide, which helps you to protect self-care practices that can be easily forgotten in overwhelming times.

We hope that you find some comfort here from our wonderful community, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready. This community is here for you, anytime.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi Ateca,

Wellcome to our forums.

Wow what am amazing beautiful person you are.

Caring for everyone else can be rewarding but it can also be very distressing for ourselves and exhausting.

I can see you are putting so much into looking after others but what about you?

What does your soul desire to do?

Do you have anything that you are passionate about?

Im sorry for the passing of your mum and the ones you care for and your daughters illness.

Can I ask you why you haven’t cried?

Is it something that you hold back from?

Crying is a very releasing emotion and I believe we need to allow it so we can have a free flowing river inside our bodies.

Please start now, start now for living for you! Our souls always know what we are here to do and once we awaken this part of ourselves we become so enriched that we just glow and follow our true paths.

I understand you worry what will happen when your dad passes…….. with the house….

Think something amazing will happen when you need to find a new home…

I believe because you do so many great things for people now that only good will come to you.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Azteca,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums...

I am so deeply sorry to read about all you’ve been through and the loss of your beautiful mother.....

Your sisters words about the selling the home you have lived in for 22 years would be so hard and stressful for you on top of everything you have and are still going through...reading your words my heart is breaking for you and your precious daughter.....

Caring for people most of our lives...does take a huge toll on our mental health...because we put them and their needs before our own....we forget to care for ourselves....which does emotionally, mentally and physically effect us....

I’m wondering if there are any support services you can talk to about what your impending housing problem....I’m not sure Ateca if a social worker at the local hospital could advise or help you...

Grieving is so different for everyone...some people cry and others don’t...not crying doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or care for them....maybe your gentle soul is protecting you...through all the losses you’ve had to deal with....both with your family and your patients....

Dear sweet Ateca....I can so understand about the nights being the worse....The quietness seems to make our minds alert to our mental struggles....I started to listen to gentle sleep stories before sleep...to distract my anxious thoughts, otherwise I would lay awake with my thoughts constantly circling around and around...Maybe if you think they might help...you tube is where I find them...

Dear Sweet Ateca...Please try hard to be gentle on you and give yourself some self care each day...even if it’s just sitting outside for 10 minutes a day, in a nice quiet sunny spot...

Please talk here when you feel like you want/need to...We are all here for you..to try our best to support and help you the best we can....

My kindest thoughts with my care...,and if it’s okay..a very gentle, warm and caring hug..

Grandy..