the first step is the hardest

[Nooly]

Hi to all, I am 53, Male, been married for over 20 yrs. I have two teenage daughters.

I wouldn't say I am happily married,( for at least 5 yrs now) my wife has cut off all intimacy to me for 3 yrs now. we have a 7yr age gap. The lack of intimacy has left me feeling unwanted, to put the icing on the cake I also had a breakdown 2 yrs ago due to work pressures and was placed on a mild anti-depressant, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and then in April this year, myself and my fellow workmates were told that our jobs were going to another department in South Australia and our services will no longer be needed and they are shutting our department down, which has been running for over 50yrs. I myself have worked for this company for 28 years.

My life has just been going down the toilet recently and trying to climb my way back up to a happy place is very hard. I talk to my wife when i feel down and all she says is "get over it" and pulls away even more. I do talk to some friends whom I race rc cars with and they listen and give advice and always say if I need to talk, they are only a phone call away. I really do appreciate their help.

life for me is really hard, I put on a happy face and joke around, but inside I am miserable as the day is long. I feel like just packing up my belongings and going away where nobody knows me and starting a new life.

cheers to all.

[An_Aging_Youngster]

Hello Nooly,

Welcome to this forum, and thank you for sharing your troubles.

My own wife withdrew intimacy for 10 years. This was caused by her own complex psychosexual issues. I also felt unwanted, and loved in only a superficial sense. She only started addressing those issues when I became involved with another woman over the Internet.

Your wife's response of "get over it" points to other issues that she might have within herself.

If you want to re-build your marriage, it is going to take a lot time and commitment from both of you to do it. Personal counseling and marriage guidance counseling might be useful here. You can get a referral for personal counseling from your GP, or you can self-refer.

On the other hand, if you feel that you marriage cannot be salvaged, there is always the option of re-building your own life with somebody else. Yes, this will take you even more out of your comfort zone initially, but here are two ideas that might resonate with you:

• People have a duty to themselves to acknowledge and respect their own personal rights;
• Removing yourself from a toxic environment is often beneficial to your own mental health.

I cannot make your decision for you, but I hope the above help you in your own decision making process.

I wish you all the very best in the weeks, months and years that are to come.

AAY

[Nooly]

Hi "An Aging Youngster"......like your handle,( cb talk)

Thankyou for your reply and kind words. Its definitely going to be a long haul to try and salvage the marriage. The wife thinks our marriage is awesome....even after I told her a few months ago that is was not a healthy situation that we were in. There is a lot of her family influence behind everything, but that's something I will have to address with her family.

Depression and anxiety has to be the worst thing I have every experienced and still going through. It hits you like a ton of lead and literally stops you from being a human being. I have been working on preventing the feelings from overtaking me, exercising, building and racing rc cars, model making,( plastic models not the human super model kind...lol) playing my guitar which really is the best way to zone out and relax,( I play pretty bad)

I was one of these people who thought that it would never happen to me and it did. Even the most strongest and disciplined people fall victim to the ugly side of depression and anxiety.

I take one day at a time and always try to keep the worst times hidden away from my family and friends, they don't deserve to put up with the downers I have.

Anyway thanks for you reply.

It's Friday and nearly the weekend

Cheers

Nooly.

[james1]

Hey Nooly,

It sounds like it's going to be a tough ride for you with the marriage and I am not surprised you do not share your wife's sentiment. It sounds like she's hiding from the truth of the situation.

It will come down to whether she's willing to work through things which hopefully she is. Either way, much of that is out of your control but you are able to control things like keeping physically as healthy as you can by eating well, exercising and sleeping well, and keeping mentally well through hobbies and relaxation time.

It sounds like that's what you're trying to do so I do hope that you can get things back on track sooner rather than later. let us know if you need anything.

James

[Timm]

Hello Nooly,

My name is Tim and I have just signed up to this forum.

Your story and age is very similar to myself 49 yo 27 Year’s with my wife, 21 Year’s with my employer in a high pressure position and I was miserable for over 5 years but trying so hard to keep my life and family together while being controlled and bullied at home and more and more work load at work, I had also reclused myself from friends.

Only in March this year I actually found out exactly what anxiety was and seeked professional help for depression and anxiety,my ex wife to this day thinks that I was seeking self pity.

For me the only way I was going to get better was to remove the toxic life I was stuck in as scary as is was In may I left my wife and my job,I was not in a good headspace at all but I was lucky to have 1 particular friend of 20 years that had no idea what state I was in.there family took me in, cooked me meals,let me sleep,made me exercise and go to the gym and never judged. I am still here finally paying rent as I found a job that with no stress and loving it. I have a long way to go,the and up and down days are a understatement but We can learn to live again,be happy and enjoy the next happy chapter of our lives.

for the record I read so much beyondblue early this year and because of knowing that was was not the only middle aged dad is a similar situation out there helped me get through the early stages.

I wish you all the very best for your future ahead.

kindest regards

Tim