Teenage daughter

Keep_trying · ‎17-02-2021

Takes a lot to reach out but this mum gig is hard!!!! Struggling with a teenage daughter who is really having a hard time. She hates school and has retreated to her bed. I can’t motivate her to do anything really. She is pretty closed in her conversation so trying to get to the cause is near impossible. Any suggestions????

Aaronsis · ‎17-02-2021

Hello Keep Trying

Welcome and it is so awesome you have reached out for some conversation and some support with your daughter.

School is hard, to be honest it kind of sucks from what I hear these days, it is certainly very different from when I (we) were are school..I am 46! There was no social media 24hours a day, there seemed less pressure to know what we wanted to do and who we were supposed to be...I feel like our kids are living in this space of having everything figured out... so much pressure, so much worry and what if they feel like they don't match up, they are not good enough..then what??

I know that this might sound strange but sometimes retreating can be more helpful I have found. Sometimes the more you push the further they withdraw. So then what? Well I would write her a small note, I would also include the following numbers if she wanted to use them:

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800, they also have a web chat service if she feels more comfortable to text or type:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

In the note express how much you love and care for her and you will follow her lead in supporting her how she needs, if she needs time and space she can have that. If she wants to even go for a walk around the block you would love to go with her. Even a cup of hot chocolate and leave it with her with no words spoken can make her feel better.

Trying to motivate may also just be causing you frustrations and making her feel like she "should" be doing thing she is simply not capable of if she is feeling so very bad. Even simple things like getting out of bed or showering can be a task if she is feeling overwhelmed. I think acknowledging that you are aware of this with her too will allow her some time to just "be" and to feel that you are hearing her..even if she is not really speaking.

I would also encourage you to seek some support, being here is awesome but we are not professionals so are not able to fully give you the support you may need, a GP might also be a good start to head you in the right direction to support her.

She is so very lucky to have such a wonderful and caring mother who is noticing she is going through a tough time, so every bit of strength, love and support to you.

We are here to chat and I would love to chat some more if you would like to. I am here to listen.

Parenting is no easy task, you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask.

We are here for you.

Hugs

Sarah xx

Rishie · ‎17-02-2021

HI Keep trying,
Oh boy, I remember those teenage years. what I really wanted was someone to listen to me and understand me; Not to judge me or try and change me, but just to accept me. I know this probably isn't any help as a Mum trying to reach out to your daughter, I can imagine how concerned you must be. Have you thought about counselling? Perhaps family counselling? I know what a huge help my school counsellor was to me, perhaps counselling might help your daughter.
I'm praying for her and for you.

Keep_trying · ‎17-02-2021

Thanks for your reply. I’ll give the note a go. I’ve have suggested those services and given her the details. She says that she will look at them but who knows???? You are right about my frustrations and I’m trying really hard to breathe and walk away when this happens. I try to remind myself once a day that I’m doing my best. It’s difficult to keep up with when she is struggling so bad!!!! I have started a journal called the ramblings of a mad women just to get my thoughts out of my head and on to paper!!!! Day two today it doesn’t make any sense and I’m trying not to re read it once written. I’m a full time working mum. Leaving her to go to work is a constant battle should I or shouldn’t I???

Keep_trying · ‎17-02-2021

I wish she would go to counselling!!!! I’ve given her the resources and I’m just waiting for her to accept. The school has been fabulous but she is not ready to engage!!!! It breaks my heart to see her this way. Thank you for your prayers. I also remember the struggles of my teenage years. I just wish that I could fast forward this time for her!!!!! So many experiences she has yet to navigate 😩

Aaronsis · ‎17-02-2021

So great to hear from you and you are right, you are doing the best you can and this parenting thing comes with no hand book!

It is frustrating and painful and so confusing and I am so happy to hear you are writing it all in a book, to get it out and to purge and it is for no one to see so be as raw and honest as you need to be, I have done this and the weight that lifted was huge. Well done for starting to write.

All you can do is provide her with the tools to support herself, afterall you cannot drag her by the hair into life and into support, unless of course she is a danger to herself or others and then that is somewhat different.

While being at home and trying to work, if possible for you, might also make it worse for you and worse for her BUT maybe doing half a day at work could be a good compromise if your employer is understanding that you need some time for your daughter.

Even if just being there to make her a sandwich and leave it for her, or offer her to watch a movie together....while she will probably reject it at least she can see you are there and you are trying.

Also I don't think that there is anything wrong with asking her for a conversation so that you can express to her that you don't know how to support her, that you don't know what to do and that you are very worried about her. That while you are not trying to "fix" her you want to support her in the best way "she" needs and not what you think she needs. So if she does feel like baking or walking or a movie or a shoulder to cry on or whatever, no matter the time of day or night you will be there to support her. That you don't have the answers either but the road is less lonely when you walk it with another.

Please also use some of the support lines for yourself too as they will have some awesome ideas on how best to support her...I am just a daggy mum!

Hugs to you and yes it is only day 2..but you have made it through these two days and you will get through this....because you love her and she loves you.

Hugs

Sarah