Talk about bad timing...

[EJ07]

Uhh hi.

It's a little confronting beginning to talk here. I just thought i'd begin a post and see what happens.

I was just thinking about how I have struggled with depression on and off since my teens, and of course I begin my worst 'episode' in Feb this year, right before COVID turns our lives upside down. Timing right?

You feel out of control, just at the time when the whole world is out of control. I mean there's no 'good' time obviously... but now? NOW?

Let's start with that...

EJ

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

My wife sometimes says I catastrophize things. Meaning I often find a reason to see doom instead of light.

what I’m saying EJ is that life is rarely programmed to have ideal timing. When we receive an unexpected financial windfall we say “great timing” because well- anytime is great to receive money!

But you know the bigger picture and that’s the restrictions have compounded your depression and that is understandable.

So a trip to your GP- that’s obvious. I likely need more info to expand my suggestions but if you read the first post of each of the following, it might help-

use google to find these

beyondblue topic depression the timing of motivation

that says it is sometimes a waste of energy forcing yourself to get motivated while depressed

beyondblue topic motivation- search and rescue it

beyondblue topic switching mindsets

I hope they help. Reply if you feel up to it.

TonyWK

[EJ07]

I began with what I thought was most relatable.

I'm in one of my most challenging times to date. Seeing a psychiatrist and trying to find the right Meds, not there yet (unless I should feel this horrible while on ADs).

I found your thread 'acceptance, is this our biggest challenge'

I feel broken. I feel like no one understands. I feel a need to shed my skin very slowly in case I can't put it back on and i'm left feeling bare and alone.

I realised I am typing in a very broken way, like scattered thoughts, I suppose this is a little insight into my head, but add in a lot more feeling like I just can't do this any more.

[Sophie_M]

Hi EJ07, 

I just wanted to join White Knight in welcoming you here to our community. It can be really tough to open up and share your thoughts and feelings, but we're so glad that you've done so here tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now, but please know that you're not alone in this.

If you feel it might be helpful, we'd really encourage you to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or you can get in touch on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
The counsellors at Lifeline  (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7 via phone for your most difficult moments.

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[mocha delight]

Hi ej97 oh I so know about not so great timing (appointment was on Friday of that week) as I had an appointment to see my gp about having depression the week before covid 19 was first mentioned and in that same week a few days beforehand my grandma passed away. I’ve not been diagnosed with anything yet but my gp strongly believes I have depression. But I’m on antidepressants and a few weeks after I started on them I got a prescription for something to help me sleep at night as even though I’ve been diagnosed with sleep apnea & have a cpap machine I was barely sleeping again.

[white knight]

Hi EJ

Well Thankyou for staying around and replying.

I’m humbled you found that thread, yes acceptance is I believe, our biggest challenge but equally so is once you have accepted, you can take it one step further in acknowledging the benefits of depression- because when you do fear EJ, you’ll help, in your mind at least, to balance the negatives

beyondblue topic depression- is there any positive?

beyondblie topic saving yourself from doom

Ok, you are very low, can I suggest that tomorrow will be a better day. The beauty of the sun rising, the bees and the birds, the children laughing and the old ladies off to church, beauty abounds.

Youll be ok EJ because we are here with you in spirit.

youtube Maharaji sunset

TonyWK

[EJ07]

Hi Mocha Delight,

Wow that sure is a lot of things at once! I too am on meds for sleep which I find incredibly helpful, it's probably the only real relief i'm feeling at the moment, quieting my mind and sleeping.

How are you finding your ADs?

[EJ07]

Hi TonyWK,

I find your perspective on the benefits of depression interesting, I read your thread 'is there any positive'. I can see you do a lot for this community and that you enjoy writing. I appreciate you.

I can see where you're coming from and I wonder if i'll get to that place sometime. Right now i'm in a bit of a hopeless mind frame and the things that usually give me joy don't.

I usually like baking, I bought watercolour paint to have a play, I have some puzzles but I don't have the patience at the moment... I've been trying to tap into my creative mind but it's super challenging.

I also found 'saving yourself from doom' and I really enjoyed that poem, it even made me giggle (which is rare right now). Have you got any more you've shared?

It sure is challenging to feel that tomorrow will be better and to take control when I feel so out of control, but this evening is living proof that one decision can regain a sense of control and return a small level of hope. I am going to skip work tomorrow and get in contact with my doctors. Step one of changing my hopeless and fear...

Thank you for your presence and all that you do.

EJ

[white knight]

Thankyou EJ

I THINK THE THREAD-

beyondblue topic the timing of motivation

might help you.

Ive written around 300 poems and almost 300 article here on this forum

Several of my poems are in Poetry Corner- just put that in the search bar.

here is one

THE BLACK WIDOW

The male black widow spider
tried all his life
he tried to tickle the hairy legs
of his much larger black widow wife

Then finally he had a win
something at last to gloat
she began to laugh aloud
as his leg slid down her throat

Poor male black widow
was always going to get into strife
all because he didnt understand
the nature of his hairy wife....

TonyWK

[white knight]

BLACK CLOUDS DANCING

It takes a special kind of man to sense the hurt and grief
unlike other 'mates' smiling in the street

They beat their chests all day and never see the harm
conquer another nameless lady- then return to farm

No wonder we men grieve, beside us an empty seat
few mates get to know us nor take the time to greet

You took the time to trust, you took the time to ask
it wasnt easy for me to admit...I couldnt do the task

You saw the black clouds dancing just above my head
tinted it grey then blew it away by using care instead

It takes a certain kind of doctor to sense the hurt, the harm, the grief
thankyou for not being like all the others....that smile in the street....

TonyWK