Struggling

[Maca22]

Hello. I’ve turned to this site in the hope of getting help by chatting with people who may understand what I’m going through. I’m a 60yo disabled man due to spinal damage resulting from a broken neck 43 years ago. It left me as a partial quadriplegic, I can walk but with a limp, my hands are effected but I’ve been able to cope. Recently I was accepted by the NDIS thinking they will be able to help me with my health issues and living issues I’m having. They haven’t, it’s made my life even more stressful. I’ve also been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and have panic attacks. I’m also having health issues with chronic back pain and losing the use of my left leg which means I’ll be in a wheel chair soon. I’m also losing what little use of have of my hands. This means I’m going to need constant care. I’ve lived an active life even though I was told after my accident that ‘I’d never walk again’, All I heard after my accident is ‘you can’t do that anymore’. I proved everyone wrong, I’ve lived a normal live and done things against Dr’s opinions and believe, things like riding motorcycles, racing go karts etc.
A few years ago I noticed it was getting more difficult to do things, pain levels increased and my emotions changed. I went from being active and never sitting for long to now not leaving the house unless I’ve no choice. I get panic attacks when I have to go out, I’m in constant pain and rely on strong pain medications for relief. I have waves of emotions that I can’t stop, I constantly feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m angry all the time, I get annoyed very easily, I find myself crying for no reason.
The Drs just keep giving me more anti depression meds that don’t work, more pain medications that are morphine based and highly addictive to control the anxiety and panic attacks.
While I have not thought directly about committing suicide I constantly feel that I’d be better off if I was not here anymore, I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up,  I have a close family and good friends who have all been wonderful and cant help enough they are all concerned but I feel I don’t deserve their care or help, I feel worthless and useless. I don’t want to be here anymore!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Maca22, 

Thank you for joining us on the forums and for sharing you experiences with us. It sounds like you are having an incredibly difficult time, we want to thank you for being brave and for sharing your story. You never know who might read this and feel less alone in their own experience. 

We are concerned about you and your wellbeing and want to encourage you to reach out for support. You can call us anytime on 1300 22 4636 to speak to someone who can help you process these emotions. They are experts at supporting you when you are in distress, or you can call when you are feeling ok. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our counsellors, or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Lifeline 
• The Suicide Call Back Service 

If at anytime you feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away. 

Thank you again for being a part of this community, it took a lot of courage to write about how you are feeling and to share it with us all here. It shows a great deal of strength and determination to seek support, thank you for being a great example to all of us. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi Macca22,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you are feeling this way…..it must be really difficult for you….

Im sorry about your accident and how your body is currently feeling……..

Im sorry the NDIS haven’t helped you….. that’s really disheartening….

Good on you! You defied those doctors! Riding motor bikes, go karts ect awesome! Your mind set sounded wonderful when you were doing those things….. try to regain your passionate can do mind set 💪 don’t be defeated! You CAN still enjoy a lot of things even the simple things in life…. The sun on your body, the wind in your face, the sounds of the ocean….. your loved ones…… never give up……… WARRIORS never do……. Regain your inner warrior….

I understand things have deteriorated more in the past few years….. I know it’s hard with our bodies……. But do you know what….. you still have your mind, feed your mind with positive things and things that you can still do……. Do you still have a motor bike? Do you have a shed? You could still tinker around in your shed all men love their sheds…….. I know the pain level is bad but maybe putting your mind on other things will help……… go karts are great too…….you have a voice teach someone something…… I’m sure you have a lot of wisdom

You can learn to manage your anxiety……. I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered from it thanks to the help of health professionals…. I had panic attacks but I’ve now recovered from it……

Look beyond the struggle my friend 💪

im here to chat to you 😊

[Maca22]

I just can’t see myself ever getting out of this. I have a work shop but when I go out to it I find myself just sitting there staring out the window. I have 2 cars that I used like working on but no longer do it because my hands don’t work and I get very frustrated and angry so I do nothing instead.
Every year for 35 years a group of us would go away camping at least 3-4 times a year, I’d get really excited about going, now when my friends ask about the next trip and they want me to go but I make excuses not to go.
I was seeing a counsellor paid by the NDIS but when my funds ran out they stopped coming. I never got much out of it, he’d talk about himself most of the time and how he over came his issues. Now the NDIS have slashed my funding even more I no longer have access to counselling.
The Drs I’ve seen keep telling me there is nothing they can do for me. When My wife has mentioned my mental state they just up the anti depression meds or change to another one. I take that much medication I don’t know what day it is most of the time.
I was sent to a spinal specialist, he said I shouldn’t be walking and people with my level of damage don’t normally live as long as I have, this made me feel even worse. He referred me to a spinal care unit to see if they could help with my condition and pain but due to COVID it has been put on hold indefinitely, won’t be seeing them until this time next year if at all. just another setback.
thank you for your support, my family especially my wife are really trying to help and are doing everything they can but I still feel like I’m in a dark hole and don’t know how to get out. What really worries me is maybe I like being in the hole, I’ve had to fight for my health ever since I broke my neck. I now feel as if I have no fight left and I just want to sit in front of the TV until I’m gone.

[Maca22]

🙏

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

Thanks for your reply, I bet your wife is a lovely supportive lady😊

I believe the more difficult your path the higher your calling 🙏

I’m a big believer in positivity….we can all learn to train our brains to be more positive and to look for the best in everything……. Practicing gratitude is a great way to bring positivity to us… it helps our emotions from the inside the more positive energy we can obtain the more peaceful we become from the inside….this is something I’ve done for myself over the years……. I once held a lot of negative energy but now I’ve replaced it with positive energy…… everything flows so much more….,

it’s ok to have emotional days…. Allow yourself to have them let them be there …….. don’t try to stop the emotions it’s ok …

I understand your frustration……., would you ever be able to ride a bike again? Even a modified trike? Maybe you could use the foot as an accelerator? 3 wheels would be easier than two to balance on…….

think of things you could modify so you could still get enjoyment from them…

do you watch shows you enjoy about bikes ect? Gp s …. Cars….. there are some good ones on u tube…

When you said the specialist you saw said people don’t usually live as long as you with your condition….. I would have taken this as a compliment…… your an amazing man for what you have endured… you probably amaze the medical profession….

Could you do a mental health plan with your gp this will enable you to see a psychologist… the first 10 sessions are usually free….. they could help you with strategies..

I think medication and therapy go hand in hand……

Would you think about making an appointment with your gp for this? If your not happy with your gp see a different one….

please know you aren’t alone and you CAN get out of the dark hole….. just try to change your thinking a bit…… let me be your HOPE I was once in a deep dark hole and now I’m free! If I can you can ….

im here to chat to you 😊

[Petal22]

Good morning Maca22,

How are you today? It’s nice and sunny over my way 😊

I also wanted to let you know that a depressed mind won’t want to do anything…. YOU need to over ride it! and you CAN!

Once you choose HOPE anything is possible….

Until your broken you don’t know what your made of. It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever 💪

Those camping trips you were talking about sounded great…… maybe next time you could go along it would be really good for you to be with your friends… I know it’s hard to say yes sometimes but sometimes it’s the best thing for us 😊

Have you ever tried meditation? It’s great for the mind, body and soul….

I hope you have a better day today Maca22…….

“ Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again “ 😊🙏

[Petal22]

Just another piece of advice Maca22…… keep moving in any way you can…….. this will help you to not seize up……….keep looking for things that you CAN do………..

Also if your mates ask you to go out with them to do something…… say yes….. you need your mates…. They WILL help you to get through these days! They won’t mind that your unwell they just want you to be out with them to help you……… hold onto your loved ones and mates……… ❤️

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

How are you? Just checking in with you 😊

here to chat

[Maca22]

Not good. Pain has beaten me, I have no fight left. Sit here all day taking pain meds living in a constant fog. I’m done!