Struggling

[Maca22]

Hello. I’ve turned to this site in the hope of getting help by chatting with people who may understand what I’m going through. I’m a 60yo disabled man due to spinal damage resulting from a broken neck 43 years ago. It left me as a partial quadriplegic, I can walk but with a limp, my hands are effected but I’ve been able to cope. Recently I was accepted by the NDIS thinking they will be able to help me with my health issues and living issues I’m having. They haven’t, it’s made my life even more stressful. I’ve also been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and have panic attacks. I’m also having health issues with chronic back pain and losing the use of my left leg which means I’ll be in a wheel chair soon. I’m also losing what little use of have of my hands. This means I’m going to need constant care. I’ve lived an active life even though I was told after my accident that ‘I’d never walk again’, All I heard after my accident is ‘you can’t do that anymore’. I proved everyone wrong, I’ve lived a normal live and done things against Dr’s opinions and believe, things like riding motorcycles, racing go karts etc.
A few years ago I noticed it was getting more difficult to do things, pain levels increased and my emotions changed. I went from being active and never sitting for long to now not leaving the house unless I’ve no choice. I get panic attacks when I have to go out, I’m in constant pain and rely on strong pain medications for relief. I have waves of emotions that I can’t stop, I constantly feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m angry all the time, I get annoyed very easily, I find myself crying for no reason.
The Drs just keep giving me more anti depression meds that don’t work, more pain medications that are morphine based and highly addictive to control the anxiety and panic attacks.
While I have not thought directly about committing suicide I constantly feel that I’d be better off if I was not here anymore, I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up,  I have a close family and good friends who have all been wonderful and cant help enough they are all concerned but I feel I don’t deserve their care or help, I feel worthless and useless. I don’t want to be here anymore!

[Maca22]

Thanks petal22 and hello.

I saw my Dr and got a referral to a psychologist and I’m booked in for the 15 October.

Having a bad couple of weeks, very low, the dark thoughts are back and stronger than before. Feeling very agitated all the time, irritable, everything is a real effort and couple of times felt a wave of anxiety coming over me where I started to shake, sweaty and become extremely nervous.

Sleeping 8-10 hours a day due to the medications, wake up feeling sick and exhausted so I’m not eating much.

I’ve tried to do things outside or around the house but always give up because it’s too hard. Never finish anything. All I do is let down the people around me. It’s been 5 days since I’ve been out of the house.

My wife tries to get me to go for walks with her but I always say no, she’s stopped asking and goes on her own. She told me yesterday ‘you haven’t smiled or laughed for so long I’ve forgotten the last time you were happy’. She wasn’t having a go at me just telling the truth.

All I want to do is sit in front of the TV all day and no talk to anyone. I have my phone on silent all the time. People ring and text but I don’t return calls. My goddaughter sent me a text telling me how much I mean to her and how much she loves me. I just cried! I couldn’t respond.

[BB_After-Hours_Moderator]

We are so sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well and that you're struggling to find pleasure in the activities that usually bring you joy. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, I understand it would be difficult……. It’s ok though Macca22 it’s ok to have days like this…… just breathe…..

Practice reading positive affirmations google them I read them every day…. It helps our mind set…

I understand it’s so hard having these dark thoughts I had them too but they will lift…. Just hang in there…. treat them like a song that s stuck in your head…. eventually they will go away…. and fade into the background…. remember these thoughts usually accompany anxiety and depression…… it’s something that your mind is doing….. remember that your not your thoughts but the watcher of your thoughts……. Have you been able to practice meditation?

Im sorry you have been waking up feeling sick and exhausted….. has your medication been changed due to this happening to you?

Its ok that you aren't finishing your jobs around the house… maybe just go outside and sit in the sun for a bit…. Practice some mindfulness….just be and try to relax…

Ohhhh your wife really loves you Macca ….Just do something you can both enjoy like going for a drive together…. Get a drive through coffee…

There are people around you Macca that want to support you….. and be there for you…… I understand you have put your phone on silent is there one person you can think of that you could reach out to and have a chat…….. a mate? talking really helps….

How beautiful is your goddaughter she must feel something inside for you to reach out to you……… just try when your ready to respond even if it’s a simple I love you…..

Remember your wife is there …… give her a hug too……

Im excited for you to be seeing your psychologist in October your psychologist will be able to help you with strategies for your anxiety……. practice slowing down your breathing I understand anxiety isn’t very nice to deal with but you will get through it……

Tomorrow is a new day….. start your morning with thinking of everything you are grateful for……..

Take each day at a time

Im here to chat to you anytime 😊

[Petal22]

Good morning Macca,

How are you today?

How about you try a bit of meditation today? It really helps Macca it can teach you unexpected things with practice it’s such a amazing practice to learn….. you can do it in your lounge room sitting on a chair…….

Google a guided meditation on your phone…….. 😊

[Petal22]

Hi Macca,

Just checking in with you…… how are you?

[Maca22]

Well I’m back, nothing has really changed for me since September. I’m still struggling daily with pain, anxiety, no motivation, irritable, feeling angry all the time. I can’t remember when I last felt happy or laughed or even smiled. I’ve been in and out of Doctors rooms only to be left feeling they don’t care.

I’ve had major battles with the NDIS which has caused enormous stress and anxiety. A lot of people say they are here to help but very few actually do.

The only thing that gets me through the day is strong narcotic medications. My GP suggested I see a physiologist which I did, I was very enthusiastic about seeing a professional instead of a counsellor. However, after 3 visits I realised it wasn’t going to work. He told me all about his family, where he grew up, where he got his phd, the books he wrote but the worst thing was him looking at his watch every 5 minutes.
I was really disappointed and angry so I didn’t go back, he said at the first appointment it will take at least 10 sessions at $350 per session, we spent very little time talking about my issues.

I don’t look forward to anything, I wake up every day thinking ‘here we go again!’, I get very irritated every day with those around me. I hate doing anything around the house, exercise or going out so I don’t do anything. I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone and not go outside.

My GP is sending me to a pain management specialist in the hope they can do something with the unrelenting nerve and back pain but I can’t help but think it’s going to be a waste of time.

No one understands what I’m going through and I hope each day it will be my last.

A cry for help

[Sophie_M]

Hi Maca22,

We are sorry to hear that nothing much has really changed and that you don't look forward to anything. We understand this must be such an awful thing to go through and want to remind you that you don't have to do it alone, and that support is always here for you.

We want you to know that there is always extra immediate support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

So nice to hear from you I’ve been wondering how you have been.

Im sorry that nothing much has changed for you.

Im sorry you have had battles with NDIS I understand that you would expect help from them and not stress.

I understand it would have been disappointing to have the experience you had with your psychologist…. It sometimes takes a little while to find the correct one for you……. Would you try again with someone new? The cost of your psychologist is a lot can I ask if your gp did a mental health plan with you…. This usually gives you 10 free sessions with a phycologist.

Would you ever try a holistic service?

Im currently learning Reiki myself and I’ve found it to be an amazing healing practice………. It can promote pain relief…. Just a thought for you…..

I really hope that your pain management specialist can help you I understand the pain that your in would be hard to deal with.

I understand that nerve pain can be one of the worst pains to deal with…… I really hope your pain specialist can give you some relief from it.

Im always here if you want to have a chat….. I hear you and you have a friend in me……..

Keep up the fight……… 💪

[Maca22]

Thanks Sophie and petal22.

It’s really hard at the moment. I have no drive, no energy, I don’t look forward to anything, I don’t get excited about anything, I don’t smile or laugh. The only reason I get out of bed is my wife makes me. I don’t sleep unless medicated.

I take strong pain killers every day whether I need them or not. If I don’t I start to panic and get very agitated. There has only been one day in the last 18 months that I haven’t taken something and that day I felt awful, panicky, hot and cold flushes.

I mentioned this to my GP but he said don’t worry about it and gave me more tablets to ease the anxiety! I feel I’m on a ride and can’t get off. I know I’m addicted to medication but no one else takes it seriously. I’m really worried about but I can’t seem to stop. The GP said I’m on low doses so it’s ok but I know it’s making feel this way. At times I think it would be easier if I wasn’t here anymore. No one understands what I’m going through.

every day it gets harder to do the simple things like walking. I can’t walk 100m without pain, and then I’m out of breath as well.

I don’t know who to turn to?

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

Im sorry you are feeling the way you are feeling I understand it must be difficult…..

I understand that you take pain killers for your pain if you are in pain or not……. How is your dose ? Do you think that your dose is sufficient enough for the pain you have?

I understand you take your medication even if your not in pain, I understand this …… can you take your medicated dose at the same time every day?

I understand your worries in regards to being addicted to your medication……. please try not to worry…… I think if it’s helping with your pain then just try to manage as best you can on the dose your on…

I understand your gp gave you more tablets for anxiety can I ask if it’s a antidepressant? An antidepressant for anxiety can make things worse before they get better from my experience….

Have you thought about giving one of your mates a call?

Im sorry you are finding it hard to get out of bed……… can you set yourself a small goal in the mornings to help you to get up.

Hows your grandchildren?

Dont give you Macca your one of the tough ones 💪