Struggling

[Hepa4300]

This is my first post, unsure how to begin, a year ago I discovered my wife was abused by a coworker, she tried to help him but he abused her instead. I’ve lost faith in the world, I’ve lost the value in myself, I moved my entire family interstate because I didn’t trust myself around the abuser who I wanted to punish. I know it’s wrong to even consider my wife had any complacency in the abuse, I told her the guy was trouble. She still tried to help. She kept the abuse a secret instead of confiding in me. I feel I wasn’t worthy of her trust to help. I feel worthless. In trying to protect my family I feel I ask too much of her.

[Bob_22]

Hi Hepa4300,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forums. I would recommend you approach safework nsw or safework australia about this and make a report/complaint. They are a government third party that handle instances of bullying of violence in the workplace even if she has left. Here is a link for safework NSW: https://www.safework.nsw.gov.au/hazards-a-z/bullying/workplace-bullying 

If you are not in NSW I would suggest you contact your states WHS regulator which you can find here: https://www.safeworkaustralia.gov.au/law-and-regulation/whs-regulators-and-workers-compensation-auth... 

I hope this helps a little. Please let me know if these links are useful. 

Bob

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can relate to this. It isnt unlike a parent leaving the family home and losing their full time parenthood, friends, neighbours, pets, home. As a dad I felt I could no longer protect my kids as I was no longer there, just 2 days a fortnight to get a taste of what I'd lost and watching helplessly my kids feeling their own grief... powerless.

In your case you are, it seems, being unfair to yourself. It was your wife that was protecting you by not revealing, it was not your decision to avoid/abandon. 

It seems clear to me that an interstate move was extreme because a move a couple of hours away could have maintained connections with friends and family, interstate moves often result in a move back as they miss their "roots".

You want revenge... guess what, that is entirely normal and more normal for the protective male, shown often in the animal kingdom of which we are a part. Every time I've wanted to revenge my liberty post conflict, I've resisted and although it feels hollow it was the right thing to do and you know that too. The fact that she still tried to help after your warnings tells me of her good heart and her nature that even resisted your warnings, it wasnt that she defied you, more like she followed her nature and her nature is what is natural. Those feelings are stronger than advice I'm afraid and 99% of the time she would be right to follow her instincts of helping someone else.

Your confusion is in your last sentence. That you've taken her natural caring approach as a breach of trust to you... I dont think your conclusions are accurate however, this is why counselling would be beneficial.

I mention our "nature" often. Then we have obligations within a marriage. Our nature trumps marital obligations most times because our nature is our makeup. Better to be a kind person than a cruel person even if there is a risk of being taken advantage of. We therefore make mistakes which proves one thing- we are human if we do.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[Hepa4300]

firstly I apologise that I have not been on the forum of late. Searching for answers as to why I have had this baggage for way too long and I’ve let the shake build to anger, internal anger i struggle to control which I direct at myself. I have sought help and see a therapist, early days yet but it’s promising.