FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Still struggling with infidelity after more than 30 years

Culdrose
Community Member

Just joined BB.

More than thirty years ago I had two very close friends. My wife (of 12 years at the time) worked with the wife of one friend and the workmates brother was the other close friend. We spent a lot of time together working bees, Barbies etc. For us and the other couple our children were growing up together.

My world was shattered when I learned that my wife had been having an affair with my unmarried friend, an affair that had been going on for >2 years. It only ended when he finally married his girlfriend and my wife “felt guilty” now he was married.

For 30 years we have been trying to rebuild our marriage. My wife wants me to ‘get over it’, ‘let it go’ etc but I find it very hard. For that entire period my wife has refused to give me any details about the affair. I know why and how it started and I accept fully my role in creating the environment that produced the affair. I accept no responsibility, however, for the affair itself. She made all the choices, to start it , to continue it and to end it - I knew nothing. Her rationale has changed over the years from “I don’t remember” through “What does it matter, “Its irrelevant”, “I don’t think its useful to discuss it”. Bottom line she is in total control of the information. She knows everything and I only know what she has chosen to tell me - which is next to nothing.

Whilst it has been >30 years it actually feels like the same 2 years thirty times over!

In the beginning I asked and got nothing, I asked again and so it went on until I gave up and buried it. Then, some time later something would occur (eg the beginning of an affair portrayed in a TV show) and it would trigger me and I’d ask again - get nothing keep going, bury it, time would pass, something would be a trigger, then it would get dug up again - you get the picture.

Here’s the thing - I still love her and want to forgive but have found it really hard to do so.

Forgiveness seems like a blank cheque - I don’t know what I’m forgiving. I can’t forgive an “affair” - that’s a noun not a verb

Verbs are the things you do - the behaviours, the things that require forgiveness. We don’t have seperate words for an affair lasting a week, a month or > 2 years - that did or did not involve love or lust, we use the same word for them all.

I want to know, specifically, what behaviours I’m forgiving.

Am I crazy??? Should I give up and leave???

 

13 Replies 13

Hi Amelia and the others who have responded. I really appreciate the care shown in your responses

I am concerned that I have not explained the situation clearly enough.

My wife has absolutely accepted responsibility for the affair and apologised for it and the hurt it caused.

My issue is her refusal to give me any information about the affair other that it occurred and lasted for >2 years.

My research at the time and since speaks of the need many spouses have to know the details (if they want to) of the affair as part of their healing process and to help rebuild trust. My research said they should not be forced to hear details but neither should the person who had the affair deny them the details if asked.

For >30 years my wife refused to answer my requests/questions. Her main justification was a “I can’t remember “ which, over time, shifted into other excuses and rationales - bottom line I lived in my head with my imagination of what might have happened but no truth.

As most of us know my imagination was probably far worse and more sexually exciting than the truth but I never had the truth to still the voices and images in my head.

UNTIL LAST WEEK!! Finally after all this time she ‘remembered’ and gave me some details about their first and second ‘encounters’.

So here I am - trying to process my new reality

My wife - who chose to have an affair, chose to keep it going for >2 years, chose to finish it then decided to chose the option of silence on details for a further 30 years.

I have labelled her behaviour for the last 30 years as lying and deceitful. A label she denies and which she finds offensive and hurtful. I have tried to talk about her choices without any judgemental labels (lies, deceitful etc) and just describing the behaviour eg “you did not answer my questions no matter how often I asked”

She has now acknowledged that “I wish I had told you all those years ago” but now thinks that statement is a sufficient apology for the 30 years of pain I have endured.

I have a very dark sense of humour and if it wasn’t all so painful I might think the whole thing a farce.

I find myself now ‘doing the work’ that would have been better done 30 years ago if I had been ‘allowed’ the opportunity.

All thoughts, comments, advice welcome.

Fire at will!!!

I'm glad she finally 'remembered' stuff. She must be feeling guilt about how this is affecting you.

When I read your story my first thought was she only stopped because he got married. She doesn't want you to know that. She felt rejected by him, not guilty. She should have already felt guilty. She is manipulating you.

It's up to you what you do with this information. Confront her with it, if you like. Move on and accept it. It's up to you. Only you know what is right for your situation. But don't let her dismiss you. She wronged you. You have the right to demand she tell you the information to get closure. If she doesn't you should leave because she doesn't respect or care about your feelings. She remembers, she is lying to you as I'm sure you know. She certainly would have remembered years ago when you asked.

To me it sounds like the affair was an ego thing. I'm sure she loves/loved you but she wanted extra. She wanted him as well. That is not ok. She was your world. You just wanted to be hers. The fact it went on for 2 years tells me that she was able to ignore the guilt she should have been feeling. She didn't care about your feelings. She is still doing it by rejecting what you ask for, what you are telling her you need to move on.

Sometimes we need the hard truths shoved in our faces. This may be one of those times. You need to accept this and move on. Whatever that looks for you, is now what you need to focus on.

I would also suggest you think about why your wife doesn't want to do couples therapy. "Because they always take your side" and "your better at words" these are selfish, manipulative statements. There is probably a reason they always take your side. It's probably because she is not willing to meet you half way.

You nees to figure out where your wife stands in your relationship. Is it an equal one or are you giving more into it than she is. This is key to moving on with this, in my opinion, because we all want to feel loved.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Culdrose

I feel for you so much, having tolerated such pain for 30 years. That's an unbearable amount of time that you should give yourself credit for enduring.

I believe growing consciousness to be a biggy in any partnership. Some key questions in any partnership

  • What am I not conscious of, regarding my thoughts and behaviour?
  • What can you lead me to be conscious of, so that I can evolve or we can evolve together?
  • What do we need to be conscious of in order to let go of certain things which leave room for new things to come into our relationship?
  • How do I/we need to become more conscious so as to forgive?

You wish to be more conscious of how the affair played out, why it did, what triggered it or what the lead up was all about, what kept it going and so on. How hard is it to learn from what we're never made conscious of?! While your wife takes ownership of the affair, does she really take responsibility for the challenging aspects that followed it, such as leading you to greater understanding?

Personally, I like to see 'forgiving' as moving forward by giving our self a form of emotional release from something. I suppose you could say that if your wife holds the key to you better understanding how the affair played out, you're relying on her in a way to unlock things for you, freeing you from what you imagine.

A lack of consciousness in a partner can be highly triggering. My husband takes me to the brink of insanity at times 🙂 For example, when I ask him why we don't make any grand plans for the future or why we rarely ever adventure, his response is typically 'That's just me'. If I push him to seriously consider what lays beyond 'That's just me', his answer becomes 'I don't know' and he'll either walk away or change the subject. I do believe our 20 year marriage will never evolve while his mind remains closed to becoming more conscious, more aware.

Here you are Culdrose, wanting to be more conscious yet your wife won't provide you with this opportunity. As mentioned, perhaps her refusal to discuss the affair comes from a sense of guilt or perhaps a sense of regret or maybe even a sense of fear (fearing you'll leave her if she tells you). Whatever her reasons, I believe she owes you something for you patience, loyalty, love and devotion. I don't believe we can exercise such things while gaining little in return, otherwise it can become a depressing largely one sided relationship.

What is she prepared to do, to serve the relationship?