Newbie here who has tried everything else & running out of options

[Catastrophe77]

Hi everyone, I’m a 44y.o mum of three boys and have been married for 11.5 years. Feeling pretty lonely and isolated, as well as misunderstood. My husband ‘just doesn’t get it’. Diagnosed 24 years ago with depression. Also have PTSD and anxiety. Not sure what else to say as it is only an introduction post. I live in Qld, and work from home.
Love to talk to others who can empathise and help with ideas to get ‘me’ back. I’ve been gone for a long time so I’ve forgotten who that is. 🐈

[geoff]

Hello Catastrophe, and a warm welcome to the site.

You have, unfortunately, much to try and cope with, especially when your husband doesn't understand what you're suffering from.

Your husband could be a reason why you are feeling this way, and I mean no harm in saying this and my apologises.

As you work from home could be beneficial for you, depending on the age of your kids, never the less breakast, lunches, dinner, cleaning and shopping still need to be done, and if he doesn't understand then not feeling well may mean you are expected to carry out all of this, which must be difficult for you and could interrupt the work you do at home.

The conditions you have told us may vary from day to day, although I'm not a doctor, but know from myself, that one day you might be more anxious than depressed, and the next day it may be reversed, so you can't plan your days.

Sometimes spouses/partners don't believe you should feel the way you do because if and when they had a similar condition their's was worst than what you are suffering from, but they don't realise that you may be pretending and not actually showing how you feel.

To get your husband to understand that he needs to know what you are suffering from may not be easy, but can be done, however, you can't continue on like this, you need to get all the assistance you can, staring with your doctor.

Ask them about the 'Mental Help Plan', this entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to visit a psych, and although there may be a waiting period the sooner you can book an appointment the better it will be for you as it's been such a long time.

We try and believe we can overcome this ourselves, the problem is we can't really, because we get stuck on something and aren't able to overcome it, and whether any triggers are always the cause,need to be mentioned to your doctor/psych.

I hope you can get back to us, e only ant to help you, and if you do reply back straight away, I'll be back in an hour or so as I'm about to have an hours sleep. but will look out for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[therising]

Hi Catastrophe77

The warmest of welcomes to you 🙂

Wow, 3 boys. That's a lot of energy to manage. I'm Mum to a 16yo boy and 19yo gal and admire anyone to can manage more than 2. I think whoever is playing the primary care role for kids understands how much mental energy it takes to raise them through life. Can get pretty exhausting.

Can relate to what you say in regard to your husband 'not getting it', the serious mental health challenges that can be faced in life. I met my husband in the midst of my depression, which I found myself in from the age of about 20 to 35. Looking back, it all probably started earlier than 20. I simply felt it at 20. Before coming out of it, my husband never believed in depression. When I came out of it, he couldn't deny it, based on the difference in me. I was like a different person. Triggers me a little when I think about it. I needed him to believe while I was in it. He was basically good, basically loving, basically understanding but when you're facing serious mental health challenges, you need far more than the basics, that's for sure.

I can relate to that 'Getting me back'. Problem with coming out of depression was I had no idea who I really was. For 35 years I believed I was who I was led to believe myself to be, if that makes sense. So, who was I really? Who was I without all those mental programs from others that formed me? Who was I without all the negative dark beliefs and the cruel chemistry of depression? How was I meant to re-form myself? Where to start? At 51, I have to say it's been an absolute trip finding 'me' over the years, incredibly revealing.

While I've come to love the basics of all things mind and body (psychology and biology/chemistry), I've found the most revealing is often what's natural. For example, 'feelings' are incredibly natural. They're like a compass. You can feel someone depressing you or getting you worked up, you can feel your thoughts and other people's words, you can feel your imagination and your memories, you can feel if something isn't quite right, you can feel your own energy levels (on the spectrum of extremes), you can feel music, colour and you can even feel your own self doubt. There is just so much to feel. So the question becomes 'Is it natural to suppress our feelings or is this something we're conditioned to do?'.

Super sensitive people are designed to feel, designed to sense. What if 'You're so sensitive' became a compliment. What would you do with your ability to sense? 🙂

[Catastrophe77]

Hi Geoff, thank you for taking the time to reply. I have a mental health plan, see a Psychiatrist fortnightly, and have had many psychologists and counsellors. Just before Xmas I was in a volunteer mental health facility for 2 1/2 weeks. Over the last 3 months I have tried 3 different medications, started a new one a week ago, so it has been a constant thing of weaning, being on nothing then starting a new med.

I learnt about boundaries, triggers and ways to distress, but being in the state of mind I am in, I can’t follow through. I have spoken to my husband so many times about some of these things, and instead he thinks once I am fixed, everything will be okay. Most of this is about sex, it is so important to him, a chore to me. Let alone that I feel I am being put down, and negative things are being said to my friends about me. Another big issue is that he gets upset with me as I won’t have a drink with him. I rarely do as I’d prefer to drink my Pepsi Max, but it such a big deal to him. He thinks if I drink then I will relax, although I do explain it’s a depressant.
My Psych invited him into an appointment to explain some of things I may be feeling. Instead of just listening he brought up negative things about me. So when we left we had more issues and I just feel like everything I do is wrong, and people don’t like me for me, only what I can do for them.

my bf has also stopped talking to me. Her last comment was ‘I really don’t think that is fair and is quite hurtful’ that’s was in reply to me saying that even she sees more bad in me than good. I just needed someone to talk to as I’m at crisis point but then I get judged and I’m even worse off. I’ve just stopped going out unless I really have to and stopped talking to everyone. Not that they are contacting me either.

everyone is sick of hearing about ‘poor me’ and I’m just a downer.

sorry to just blurt everything out. I have no one 🥺

[Catastrophe77]

Thanks for your reply therising

I think my depression started earlier than 20, but wasn’t diagnosed until after I had my first child. I was a single parent for 8 years with a son on the spectrum. His father liked to still parent from afar as in saying I made my son austistic, and telling my son I was poisoning him with medication. The eldest lives out of home but I sort all his finances out for him, he is now 22. My other two boys are 5 & 7. My husband used to have me up on a pedestal. It collapsed close to when the youngest came along I think.
My bf died, must be nearly 4 years ago now, and things have just got worse ever since. She was the only person I could be the ‘real’ me around without being judged. Her won was with me at the time of the passing, and he also calls me mum (also Aspie).

My husband just doesn’t seem to have much tolerance for my shit anymore. I don’t know if it’s accurate, but I didn’t think I was some massive inconvenience, but I am very sensitive & emotional. I’ve L ways been the emotional one, can cry at the drop of a hat. My current bf told me that I cry to make it all about me. I can’t help it!

I asked my husband for a separation as I think it is just so negative in the household, and my number 1 goal is be the best mum I can be to my kids. He said he wouldn’t be going anywhere as his ex stung him last time like that. I only asked for a trial separation and said the kids shouldn’t have to move out so he and I should come in and out of the house. He was a no, so I’m too scared to leave in case he won’t let me back into the house or it he tries to get the kids.
That was about 6 weeks ago, he seemed to get a bit better but things are not good. Just living in limbo. But if I get fixed then all will be okay!!

[yggdrasil]

Hi Catastrophe77,

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences on here. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You're clearly dealing with a huge amount. I can't begin to imagine how challenging it would be to juggle such a complex family situation with your own depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I'm sure you know this, but it's unlikely your recovery will be overnight. It sounds like there are some deep seated issues in your marraige, and things may get worse before they get better. It can take years to overcome serious depression, and once you do, it requires a lot of focus and care to avoid slipping back into it. You can certainly accomplish this, but it's unrealistic to think your mental health will significantly improve in the short term.

It's great you're seeing a psychologist and talking to your GP about the depression. There are often also other semi-professional/semi-formal resources out there. For example, have you ever attended a peer support group for depression, or a carer's support group? These can be safe places to talk regularly about challenging issues around mental health, and hear about other people's issues and strategies, without fear of judgement. I'd imagine similar groups exist for marraige and relationship issues.

I think discussing mental health and other challenging issues in support groups, or similar semi-formal settings, is usually more productive than discussing them with friends, partners, family etc. This is because the issues are hard, and can be challenging for people to process, particularly if raised during day-to-day conversations when people have other challenges on their minds.

At a support group, everyone knows in advance what the discussion will be about, and has prepared themselves emotionally for it. No one is shocked if someone gets emotional, or starts to cry. It's part of the deal and expected, and everyone attending has implicitly agreed in advance that this is what can happen at a support group. The same is true for these forums, and for the telephone counselling etc offered by BB.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more immediate to suggest, but I really do feel for your situation. Even when things seem impossibly hard, just take it day by day, or minute by minute, and keep looking for the tiniest little steps you can take to improve your situation. It may take years, but you can slowly turn the ship around.

[Catastrophe77]

Thanks for taking time to reply to my post. I understand everything takes time, but you can understand my frustration and feeling of hopelessness as I have been going through this for over 24 years. It feels like I have tried nearly every medication that exists and am now on yet another that I had never heard of before.
I have tried so many things, and for a time things have got better in the past, but it doesn’t stay. Even at those stages I was just okay. I was only off meds for a short period of time but the. Went through IVF, which was a roller coaster as well as miscarriaging.
I just want to start enjoying some things in life instead of just getting through each day. My sleep is really bad again even though I take meds to sleep.
There doesn’t seem to be anything for me, and I don’t feel like I contribute positively to anyone else’s lives.
It’s hard to look at my marriage and friendships and know if they are realistically negative, or if it’s just me or my mind.
I see my Psychiatrist on Friday, my counsellor went on leave in January to have a baby so I’ve been transferred to someone else. I couldn’t even make a phone call to book the appointment as I have a phone phobia 😞 She has emailed me so should be seeing her next week, I’m also signed up for a course in DBT, so I am trying so many things.

[therising]

Hi Catastrophe77

Sometimes I think of how cruel life can be when the most sensitive of people are sent such monumental challenges and so many. If it was possible to wish someone into a person's life, I would wish for you someone so inspirational they would move you to tears and so joyful that you had no option but to feel pure joy through them.

While great sensitivity can definitely feel like a curse at times, I prefer to see it as an ability not everyone has. It's an ability to purely feel your way through life in so many ways. The 'curse' aspect comes when people and life events can be so depressing, angering, confusing, stressing etc. On the spectrum of feeling, a highly sensitive person will feel such things to the extreme, in pure form. On the other hand, a highly insensitive person or someone who doesn't have the ability to feel will not sense an ounce of what's depressing, angering etc. Correct me if I'm wrong but I assume you getting 'fixed' and everything will be okay is your husband's idea.

I've found that understanding great sensitivity as being not our fault but our ability has flipped the script for me significantly over the years. While my husband's recent analogy of my emotions seriously triggered me, it was not into depression as it would have been in the past. 'You're up and down like a dunny seat' was met with a response of fury. I had to seriously control myself. I find that when the ranting maniac in me is triggered to life (to vent all that should not be suppressed and held within), I have to also channel the sage in me at the same time. While the ranting maniac, off the leash, would have let fly with a shocking amount of expletives, the sage in me led to a more controlled response. It was something along the lines of 'Well thank you for such an eloquent analogy of my mental health. How brilliantly put. By the way, I can't but help wonder what leads you to be so insensitive, so unfeeling, so detached. Why can you not sense or feel life the way I do? Why can you not feel the overwhelmingly depressing nature of all the lockdowns we had in Melbourne or the lack of pure joy in our relationship...' etc, etc. I suggested he was somewhat emotionally numb due to being a suppresser and avoider of feelings. As an ex drinker who used to use alcohol as an emotional regulator throughout my years in depression, I suggested he stop drinking so much so as to feel the nature of life more easily 🙂

It pays to wonder why certain people can't feel.

[yggdrasil]

Hi Catastrophe77,

Yes I totally understand the frustration and sense of hopelessness. I was in that place for many, many years myself. I think mental health treatment is almost guarenteed to be frustrating and confusing because the science is still so new and imprecise. New drugs are being trialled all the time, and there's constant debate about drug effectiveness. Diagnoses and definitions also change frequently. This is naturally confusing and frustrating.

Some patients prefer their doctor/psych to present ideas with scientific certainty... it makes them feel more confident and reassured. Other people (like myself) find this artificial certainty off putting, and frustrating. I think that for most people mental health treatment is still a chaotic, trial and error process. It's very common for many different meds to be tried before finding one that makes any difference at all.

The voluntary mental health placement you did sounds very positive. These give you respite from the chaos of day to day life so you can focus on the trial and error process I described above. I ended up in psych wards twice in my past, and while it was confronting, and the system definitely has big issues, overall it was helpful. Even more helpful were the "PARC" placements I did. PARCs are sort of midway points between normal life and a psych ward. Both of these in-patient type settings help you separate out your "internal" issues from their "external" causes.

Regarding the "internal", there's lots of evidence out there for things known to help (diet, exercise, talk therapy, finding meaning, mindfulness, gratitude, awe, etc etc) but which combination of things work best for each individual varies, and can often only be discovered slowly by trial and error.

Do you have any sports you play, or exercise you do daily? I found daily exercise to be essential to maintaining my mental health. I'm also strict with aspects of my diet, e.g. caffeine and large hits of sugar affect me badly.