Falling between the gaps.

[BlueJay02]

My whole life has been an example of falling between the gaps.

let us start at the beginning.  I don't know too much about what happened to my dad but it must have been bad. To tell the truth, I'm too scared to ask. His list of diagnoses includes, Aspergers, depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar and more. I am pretty sure my mum has depression and something else but I don't know what. As for my siblings, I have 2 biological sisters (one with Aspergers, depression, and anxiety, the other has depression and two kids), 1 bio-bro(we used to be close), and 1 adopted brother(his bio mum was violent so he moved in with us when I was in upper primary school). He is still my brother, I only clarified so whoever reads this can have a clearer picture.

In school, I was bullied for being a 'smelly' weirdo who didn't wash her hair. I was more preoccupied with hiding from my family. My education suffered. In primary school, it was easier to pretend I could read than actually learn. I would get taken out of class to do focused reading lessons but all I could think about was the fact that the other kids said that it was a lesson for dumb kids. I didn't read my first novel until high school, then I became obsessed, always had my head in a book. I needed an escape from my reality. School got harder and I fell more behind, made some poor choices in friends, eventually I realized how toxic they were. We stopped being friends, I don't feel like I can trust anyone. Counselors have betrayed my trust, friends have become bullies, issues with my dad affect relationships.

When I turned 19 I had had enough, I packed my bags, grabbed my dog, and drove over 3,000kms to Perth. Last year I had a really bad month, my partner's sister had been kicked out and so she came to live with us, my grandma passed away, and I lost my job. I also can't get Centrelink because my mum refuses to sign the documentation.

So here I am now, about to turn 20. Feeling alone in a new city, where making friends has been complicated by trauma, circumstance, and last but certainly not least a pandemic. Oh and to top it all off I have undiagnosed learning difficulties. Someone please help me learn how can I get better. I'm sick of falling through the gaps.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bluejay02,

Thank you for finding the strength to post in our forum. It takes a lot of courage. We are a supportive and helpful community.

We hear that you have felt betrayed so often in your life that it is now very hard to bring yourself to consider trusting anyone again. And yet, we all need to trust some people in order to survive, and especially to thrive. You have a lot of strength, and as you slowly start learning how to find a few people you can trust, you can start recharging your own strength.

We would like to suggest you try calling either of the below services. They are free, and the conversations are confidential. And, you can remain anonymous.
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline (for ages between 5 and 25) 1800 551 800

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Mark Z.]

Hi Bluejay02,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for your challenge. However I feel a power between your words, I feel you never stop fighting, never give in, am I right? And I can tell that you have strong self-awareness, which definitely helps you move to the light side.

You mentioned that you have learning difficulties, but you also mentioned you had your head in books you're interested. So when you plan for your career, and upgrade your skills, focus on what you really love to do.

And as Sophie said, seeking professional support, and getting yourself equiped by knowledge of mental health is really important.

Yes your family has impact on you, but you're a strong and independent young adult with great courage to live your own life. I believe you will conquer these difficulties and enjoy your life.

Mark

[mocha delight]

Hi bluejay02 I have a learning disability, just on the autistic spectrum, a life long foot injury after having 2 tendons tear away from the bone and last year I was diagnosed with coeliac disease & gord (the autoimmune disease side of acid reflux). There’s also family history of mental health on both sides of my family. Yes some of it has been me guessing/strong gut feeling (I’ve never had a gut feeling proven wrong yet) about but my psychologist pretty much has confirmed one person with a mental health issue just by me mentioning some things.

[Petal22]

Hi BlueJay02,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understood that it must feel hard to be feeling like you are falling through the gaps……..

You sound like a very strong young woman and I believe you will find your way in life but with a bit of help..

I would suggest that you make an appointment with a gp and discuss the way you are feeling and have a chat to them about your learning difficulties hopefully they can suggest an avenue forward for you….

In regards to Centrelink if you are over the age of 18 why do they need your mothers signature?

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I want to comment on something you said about your time at school...

You said you had to go to focused learning for reading and mentioned how you felt about it.

Many years ago, when I was in high school (in the 1980s) I did what was called remedial reading. Like you it was said that the dumb people had to that. I can still remember the room we would go! There was worse by a couple of teacher.

While I still feel the impact of such words today, I was also able to get into Uni and get a level of education others don't have. Before I got into Uni though I went to TAFE. I have said to my psychologist that I took a slightly different route to many others and that is OK. (After all, it is OK to be different!)

I am not saying this to say look how good I am. From your post, it seems you have the drive and determination to do whatever you want or need. Perhaps working out what you like or what you are passionate about will guide you in a direction and you will run towards that goal line.

Your journey might be a little different to others. That makes your journey unique to you and that is OK.