Self loathing and self doubt

[Mbnbkk_jmnmnm_impuju_um_m]

Hello, how normal is it to often have self doubt and strange feeling of self loathing.? Do other people have this or is it just me? My siblings are all confident and probably quite arrogant and I seemed to have missed out on that gene. I am humble to the point of having no pride. I wish I knew what pride felt like. I feel like an alien and an imposter. I am very lonely and although people are friendly to me in the small town I have moved to - people have very established friendship groups. And people don’t think to include me because everyone assumes that everyone has friends. I am always welcoming to new comers and I have noticed that not many people are. People are always having get together s end socialising- but but me. I have solid friendships with people who tony live here- but I have only managed to make aquaintences. . I live on my own with my child age ten. I do not have a job at the moment but not from lack of trying either. I am u der enormous stress with my ex. But I realise others go through this too. I ended up in a dv relationship because of my low self esteem .

[Miz]

Hi Mbnbkk,

Thanks for reaching out - welcome to our forums. Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. It sounds like you've been feeling pretty low and lacking some confidence. I want to say that self-doubt is completely normal and you're absolutely allowed to feel this way. I know that everyone around you may look confident but I promise you that they have doubts too.

It must be really difficult moving to a small town that is isolated. I know it's hard but it might be good if you can put yourself out there and initiate social contact with as many people as possible. Once they realise you're keen to socialise and be friends I'm sure they will make the effort. In terms of coming across as confident in these new circles, I think the best trick is to fake it until you make it! If you pretend to be confident and put yourself out there, eventually you will start to feel a bit more comfortable around these people and socialising will also increase your confidence!

Have you had a look if there are any social activities you could join? Maybe a local sports team or support group. I'm sorry to hear things are thought with your ex - here if you want to chat more.

Miz x

[Petal22]

Hi Mbnbkkjmnmnmimpujuum,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand it’s hard in a small town to make new friends…..

Does the school your child go to have a P & C ? Sometimes getting involved in this helps us make new friends with other mums….. maybe you could get involved with canteen ect?

Even at school drop off you may get to know other mums?

I know it’s hard feeling lonely….. maybe you could organise a lunch with a couple of ladies even if they are aquaintences ….. they could become friends 😊

Please build yourself up talk to yourself positively it can work wonders…… believe in yourself 😊

Im here to chat

[Mbnbkk_jmnmnm_impuju_um_m]

Thank you for your reply. I have made some friends- a couple of young drs.the bank manager The pharmacist and someone working for the local council. But they were all!!) here in town for a short stint- and they move on. They became friends with me because no one was befriending them only me. Looking back I actually have made friends but I need to make friends with people who are not leaving and those particular social groups are set in stone . They are very satisfied with their status quo. Ok- I am going to take your advice and take it till you make it. I probably am already doing this to an extent. And do you think other people really do have terrible chatter in their heads telling them they are no good. I know my siblings and my mother don’t have this as I have asked them. I cannot believe you replied to my post and thank you thank you thank you that you did.xxxxx

[Mbnbkk_jmnmnm_impuju_um_m]

Hello, my child is at primary school very outgoing and popular. And people assume we are busy like them at bbqs etc . This is not the case. People in small towns take a much longer time to warm to someone. Unlike the young professionals they were transient workers. They are used to new people and new places and try to make friends. I will see if I can volunteer at the school canteen. I have tried to volunteer at aged care, at the school and at the neighbourhood centre/ but they already have too many volunteers. I did put my name down at the school canteen when we moved to town 2.5 years ago- but they had plenty of helpers. That may have changed. I have even tried to volunteer at tafe. And at the daycare centre- all declined. Graciously.

[Petal22]

I understand……. I hope that you find your circle of friends soon…… maybe you could drop a few hints to some people in your town that you’d love to join in 😊

[Mark Z.]

Hello Mbnbkk,

Thank you for sharing.

It's totally normal to have self doubt, a lot of people have it, more or less, even those who looks quite confident. What happened at a point in time doesn't define you over a period of time. And I believe from your friends' eyes you're a lovely person.

Do you want to share why you choose to move to a small town? Have you tried going to local church? Or if you have multicultural background, you can try to access the community of your culture in the town. If you love some kind of sport, try to find the relative sport club in the town. You don't really have to please others to make friends, you just need to find those who has something in common with you.

Warmly,

Mark

[Goldwing03]

Hi,

I commonly feel the same way that you feel. It's very normal. I think try not to resist the feeling, time heals a lot of things and maybe this feeling will soon pass.

If you allow yourself to feel it, instead of fighting against it, then you'll actually be able to feel more comfortable in your own skin and mind over time. It sucks that you have to feel this way though- You've probably been feeling a little lonely.

Take care of yourself- you deserve all the light in the world 🙂

[chadicha]

Hey! I hope your feeling better, I'd just like to say I completely understand what your going through; leaving school, having to re-establish and form new meaningful connections can be quite a challenge sometimes with people seeming so busy and pre-occupied. I just want you to know there are so many others like us who desire these relationships in life, and its easy to be harder on ourselves and blame us for things not working out when it seems like theres very slow forward progress. But I'm here to assure you EVERYONE has these seasons in life, and its perfectly okay, don't be too hard on yourself, you are not your situation! I know what it feels like to feel like an outsider, and that your intruding on already established circles, but I assure you when you meet the right ones whenever this may be they will welcome you with open arms and you won't feel any of these things- you will feel wanted, loved and appreciated even if it's hard to see right now. Your doing amazing and when things get hard remember its just preparing you for what you truly deserve. Don't ever forget your worth xx