Seeking help with strategies to support myself and my partner.

[passingthrough]

Hi all, I apparently made this account some years ago, but don’t think I posted anything at that time. I’m not sure of the best category for this. In summary, my partner and I are both struggling and I’d appreciate any advice on how I can support her better. 

I’ve been depressed for a long time and have made a concerted effort to go back to therapy this year. I’m struggling with motivation, isolation and an inability to break maladaptive habits. I would say that I’m not suicidal but I do want to die. 

My partner is struggling with work stress and anxiety. She is working long hours and is too anxious to sleep. She told me recently that she feels trapped, and doesn’t know what to do. I couldn’t say anything, I don’t know what to say. Her stress response is to externalise things, so I fear that if I say the wrong thing she will attack me and we will both feel worse. My stress response is to internalise by shouldering blame and apologising, so this will end any conversation we have. I’ll say something like “I’m sorry I said the wrong thing” and that will be that.

I really want to be able to do something to support her but I don’t know what to do or how to start, can you suggest anything, no matter how small?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Passingthrough,

Thank you for your post. 

It sounds like you have made some amazing progress in seeking support for yourself and we really hope this is something that you can feel proud of yourself for. 

It is clear that you really care about your partner and want to make sure that you can best support her. This can certainly be tricky when we have different ways of responding to stressful situations, but there is huge power in acknowledging this in the first place. 
when we’re feeling at a loss for how to help, sometimes the best thing we can do is simply ask. While it sounds basic, we can often put pressure on ourselves to know the perfect solution which is not always achievable. Asking questions such as ‘How can I best support you?’, ‘What di you need from me when you are feeling stressed?’ can open a dialogue around what you can both do in these stressful situations. 
                                                                                                                                                                          
When managing your own mental health challenges, it is important that this feels comfortable for you, too. If you ever want to talk with a counsellor about anything that you’re going through, you can always reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 any time, or reach us on webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support                    

thank you once again for posting here. It is clear that you are taking really positive steps for yourself and your relationship and we hope that this community can be a support along the way.

Kind regards
Sophie M

[passingthrough]

Thanks for the reply. Reading back over my post I'm not really sure why I didn't just post it in the "supporting others" section. I suppose I changed it a bit during drafting. I'm glad you found it anyway.

To give you an idea of what I'm up against, today my partner complained that she was feeling stuck, and she might need my help to get unstuck. I asked some questions about what she was thinking about and then asked "What can I do to help you?". In response I got an angry "What a stupid question! Why would you ask that? Don't ask me that again!" So I think It's going to be very difficult the next time I have to ask that. I suppose the only thing I can do is to do my best.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to reply, hopefully I can find more time and energy to spend on the forums.