One after the other.

[flowerchild94]

Hi there.
I'm new here. But I have dealt with anxiety most of my life and bouts of depression on and off for the last 10 years. I haven't had a great 2021 like a lot of people. I just wanted to let it all out somewhere and perhaps someone will have had similar experiences and can help or just acknowledge/listen.
The first half of 2021 I was living a life that I thought I wanted. I had grown in my career, I had made my way up to a management position at my job earning a good amount of money, and I just moved into a brand new apartment by myself. But I was extremely unwell. My mental and physical health was declining. I hated the job and I was extremely lonely basically questioning everything I had learned about success. Now that I look back I was close to being suicidal. I eventually found some courage and quit the job, and moved back home into my parents house so that I could rest from burn out and start looking at where I wanted to go in life.
When I moved back home. We went into a lockdown that had no end in sight (it lasted 4 months). I was stuck inside a house with my mother working from home. I was forced to face some deep seated issues that I had with her that I didn't realise were there e.g. feelings of not being good enough, failure. I noticed narcissistic traits and basically had to face the fact that she isn't ever going to be the mother I need/ed her to be. During this 4 months my grandmother (my mums mother) had to come and stay with us as she was in a lot of pain and needed to be looked after. I could see what my grandmother did to create shame for my mother, my mother did the same to me. Eventually my grandmother got better and could go back to her home.
Right before Christmas and my Dads birthday that we had planned a family holiday for. My mother says that she wants to seperate from my father. This wasn't a complete surprise. It was just not great timing. Then in the new year, I got covid and I am still recovering from the fatigue of that.
What I am dealing with at the moment is my parents and I still living in the same house, my parents are selling said house, I’m trying to find a job and somewhere to live. I’m potentially moving interstate which I am excited about. But I just feel so flat at the moment and unmotivated. The days are slipping by and I feel like I’ve done nothing.
Sorry if this is long winded. I just had to get it out somewhere.

[Sophie_M]

Hey flowerchild94,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult couple of years and you’re finding it hard to see when things will improve. We’re glad you were able to open up to this community, many of whom may be able to relate to what you’ve been going through.

If you ever want to talk this through with one of the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors, we're here. It's really important to reach out when you've felt close to suicidal, there's a few ways to do so here. 

Thanks again for sharing this. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[flowerchild94]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for the welcoming message. I've contacted the online web forum recently and they gave me some resources to see a psychologist. I'd like to see a psychologist face-to-face, however, I am in a bit of a limbo stage where I'm not sure where I will be living in the next 1-2 months. I thought reaching out here might help in the meantime while I sort that all out.

Thank you again for your support and kind words they mean a lot

[geoff]

Hello Flower, and I join Sophie in welcoming you to the site.

We go through life, possibly being successful and achieving exactly what we have ever wanted but then suddenly the black dog approaches us, so we just put it aside and believe it will pass, just like other sadness bouts we've had, but it doesn't and gets worse not for one reason but on many occasions.

We can't believe it will pass, if it goes away then it's pushed aside and can easily come back, that's what we don't anticipate but it does, affecting us in other areas as well and causing problems in everything we try and do.

You can't wait until you find another place to live because it may be just around the corner, try and find a counsellor now, and even if you only have 3 or 4 sessions these may help you before you may need to find someone else.

We can't push this illness aside do as much as you can now and if you remember trying to ride a bike, the longer you procrastinate the longer before you can join your mates and ride wherever you want to go.

Try as soon as you can.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi flowerchild94,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand that anxiety and depression are hard to deal with.

Have you ever spoken to a professional about the way you are feeling?

I’m sorry that you feel that mother wasn’t really the mother you needed…. I’m sorry that your Grandmother was the same to her.

I think it’s difficult when some people are bought up a certain way and then do the same to their children………. they are conditioned to be this way…. It’s a shame your mum wasn’t aware enough of what she was doing.

You can break the cycle……… with your future family……… ( if this is something you want)..

Be hopeful good things will come your way….. you will find great living arrangements and job.

When you do relocate please see your gp if you haven’t before and do a mental health together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Please feel free to come back to us.