Not sure where to start

[Fuzzball]

Hi. I’m Scott. 43, married and a father o a cheeky title 4 year old. Sounds like I should be on top of the world right? Yeah. Me too, but I’m not. For the last year to 18 months I’ve been struggling, personally and professionally. Life, stress, family and work have all weighed down on me like a ton of bricks. I have tried to seek help in the past, but can’t get past the new-age approach of a lot of counsellors. I feel that no matter which way I turn, I’m lost. Lost in a sea of sadness, anxiety, rage.

My wife has now asked me to think about our home situation and decide if I want out. But I can’t seem to make a decision. I start leaning one way or the other and then, in the next moment, I’m leaning the other way.

I love my family. I love the life we have created together. But now I’m unsure as to what to do. Will we be happier apart? Is it worth saving the family and our lives together? I’m sure I’m not the only person to feel this way, but I don’t know where else to turn.

[B_bear]

Hey Fuzzball sorry to hear about your current predicament. I come what sounds like a very similar background though we separated 3 months ago. I will go into it a bit just to let you know you are not alone with your circumstances and it might help you process what you want to do. It was My ex wife’s choice to leave but when we were leading up to that point and it was threatened I didn’t really do much to turn it around and I was weighing it up myself as a possible option. I was in a relationship that was comfortable but not overly fulfilling and our main issue was conflict resolution, with numerous arguments which would get really heated. Anyway when she walked out and I realised we were at the point of no return it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve always worked in a really tough occupation and have never really had too much rattle me in life. Most around think I’m tough as nails. I’ll be honest, I’ve experienced prob just how low someone can go. I now absolutely regret the family dynamic being broken and would change it back in a flash if I could. Unfortunately my ex will not. Every situation is different and I get some couples just are better off apart. Maybe I will end up thinking that for us but for now it’s a daily battle to keep my head above water in a fight I never thought would be so hard. Anyway No doubt you will consider separation very carefully. I am just happy to share with you how it went for me and what I wish I had of done in hindsight. Not trying to sway you either way. Can I just say a couple more things from what I have now Learnt and read. She may be asking you to make the decision to leave or not for now, but that sounds like if things don’t mend between you she will make that decision for you. Ladies now instigate approx 70% of divorces and from those around me once they go down the path of separation, it’s very hard to talk them back. As for your own mental health make sure you see a gp. There are some good anti anxiety medications out there that helped me on my tougher days. Plus you can’t beat the old cliche of exercise, socials and just taking general care of yourself. I also really like some of the breathing techniques for anxiety. And if your using a certain amber liquid for a de stress cut it out. That didn’t work for my relationship or my mental health. Good luck and if you need anything else I will on later.

[therising]

Hi Fuzzball

My heart goes out to you as you face the challenges involved in navigating through some life changing decisions. How much easier the path ahead would be if enlightenment came naturally to us humans.

Wondering about a few things. By the way, you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable.

• What do you regard as a new age approach to counseling?
• What do you imagine to be your ideal form of counseling? By the way, do you think marriage counseling may be a part of this? Learning skills in communication within the marriage is something you and your wife may come to appreciate and grow closer through.
• Do you think the decision to stay would be easy if mental health issues weren't present?

This last one's a bit of a weird one but...

• Do you know who you really are? Yes, as I say, weird but worth some consideration.

Personally, I believe a false sense of identity can really mess with us over time. It can lead us to experience pressure, stress, resentment, sadness and anger (just to name some of the issues). Another rather weird concept; our sense of identity is largely instilled/learned. At the end of the day, it's our belief systems or what we perceive as being the truth that dictate who we are and how we identify with the world. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about:

• I AM Scott (something you were taught to believe)
• I AM solely responsible for the financial well-being of the family and therefor must put up with the stress which is involved in bringing in enough money for us to be comfortable (something not entirely true). Whether your wife either brings in a little income or she decides to create a budget/financial plan so that you don't have to work as much or so that you can change to a job that may pay a little less, she too is responsible for what you both deem to be a comfortable family life

Having touched on an identity you may believe to be the truth, I'll give you a different angle, some obvious lies:

• I AM Fred
• I AM someone who's running off to join the circus

Sometimes the lies we tell our self are easy to spot and sometimes they're not.

Every false and restricting belief can act as a bar to cage. Before we know it, we've become like an anxious, depressed and wild/angry animal desperate to get out of a prison of beliefs. This leads to the question, 'Is it the marriage you wish to get out of or your current restricting sense of identity (belief systems)?' If you were 'a different person' would home life be happier?

Take care