Not coping any more

[Nik1_]

Hi, first time posting and joining something like this bit I know I need help and I have no one to turn to.

bit of background:

I am everyone’s go to to get anything done, need a certificate- dump it on me, need a hand- ask me. And I never say no, ever. I like to feel useful and wanted ( doesn’t everybody?) So I say yes over and over again but at the end of the day I am by myself again

my husband cheated on me just over a year ago- hadn’t been good for a while, it completely blindsided me!! I thought he was the one person I could lean on and trust - I felt stabbed and destroyed. I has a bit of a melt down, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost 10 kg, couldn’t function at all.

I tried reaching out to my family and the few friends I had, they all said the same- poor you, you’ll be right…. Not one of them ever followed up to see if I was ok, not even my family!

I never EVER have asked them for help before but now I know where I fit in to their lives. I’m only exist if they want something

So stupid depressed me decided to try again with my husband - reoccurring COVID lockdowns make finding a new place hard and I don’t earn much.

tonight I caught him on the phone texting after he went to ‘bed’. (We don’t share a room) He flat out refused to show me his messages and laughed at me.

Im feeling so so stupid and gullible and useless and lonely and sad and betrayed and alone

i just really need a friend I can trust who doesn’t dump me when I need a chat or a cry- mostly a cry which is every day at the moment.

at work I put on a face and look and act all happy but inside I am a complete mess and I am worried I am not going to be able to keep it all under control for much longer

Please help

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through, and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
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[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Gullibility is something that has to be confronted and then learned from or it will reoccur. This growth is sometimes not learned so we end up repeating our errors and that makes for a dismal life.

This step of posting here is a firm one and you are to be commended in doing so. It is a solid way of moving forward in your self reflection and future plans. Such plans however need other things added to it to finish the job off, the journey must have goals.

So, you have a husband that has proved untrustworthy and you have friends that rely on you but dont return the friendship as much as you would want. I dont think those two issues are related. I think you deserve trust and devotion in a marriage and therefore you might want to review your medium term relationship with him. That is your decision but remember- you have to protect yourself and your future from harm.

The friendship issue is a common one. Too eager to assist portray a "go to" persons attitude and that is a good quality only if there is some genuine return of love and care. If there isnt a genuine reasonable level of that then you havent got the right friends.

When the same problem is there for family then a review of your relationship with individuals is due. This could mean less contact with less expectations from them. This will allow them to still be in contact especially birthdays and xmas gatherings without conflict. Absence of conflict will guarantee no hurt and upsets which is important for you. If asked "I havent heard from you for ages" you can simply reply you have been busy with your hobby etc. Again avoid conflict. This is so important because one day one of them will say "you really helped me years ago so thankyou" and their circumstances might have changed and become close to you by returning the friendship etc. Leaving the door ajar.

It is good to have short medium and long range plans. This includes financial and living arrangements. To be financially secure will help you to choose the house you want to rent etc and dictate if you need someone else to live with. Above all you do not deserve to be cheated on.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

[Sophia16]

Hi Nik1,

I am so devasted by reading that. I am truly sorry about what you are going through. NO one ever deserves to be cheated on.

You sound like such an amazing person who is very supportive and helpful. Please don't change that.

Just know that we are all here as your friend and here to support you whenever you feel down. You can count on the Beyond Blue community. If you ever want a quick chat on the phone you can call the beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636.

Please stay safe and I am here to chat 🙂

[Petal22]

Hi Nik1,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you are feeling this way and I’m sorry that you were cheated on that’s horrible……

Im sorry that no one checked in with you to see if you were ok…….

Start looking after you …….. stop people pleasing you deserve the very best in life……. you sound like a lovely person……….

If your husband can’t be open with you and be honest then I think that’s disrespectful ….I think you deserve someone who wants to be open and honest…….. have you asked your husband about his behaviour from not showing you the text message and laughing at you……… I’d be letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable……. take a stand with him you deserve for him to want to be honest with you after you took him back after he cheated…… let him know your boundaries….

We are all here on this forum to support you and chat to you 😊

[Nik1_]

I really just don’t know where to begin with it all.

I rarely speak to my sister and she only contacts me when she wants something, I speak to my parents once a week (I call them- they don’t call me) I really don’t expect anything from any of them as I continually are left out. I haven’t seen any of them since the start of the year- thank you Victoria lockdown!

I am trapped and all I want to do is run away as far as I can but I have a son (Asperger) doing (struggling through) year 12 and I know I am the only reason he is trying to finish his studies.

as for the ‘husband’ I have tried to put my foot down but I get no where and I have no where to go

[geoff]

Hello Nik, can we offer you a warm welcome.

When people come to you asking you to solve their problems may be good at times but in the long run, it does annoy you because what you believe may not sync with how they're feeling, so you don't want to be the blame for anybody else's decisions they eventually make.

I would just tell them to come back later or alternatively say you have your own problems to sort out.

With your husband, he can not be trusted from his past and again now, and suggest that the two of you need to separate, then he can do whatever he likes and after 12 months you can divorce him, or you can tell him that the house will be sold or arrange a settlement for either one to buy the other one out.

If you can afford to buy him out, and I only say this because your son is trying to complete year 12 and if you want to involve a meditator who can discuss what each of you wants to happen, maybe a good idea.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Natty_1234]

Hi Nik,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and that you're having a hard time with having understanding friends and family.

Sometimes we need to find ways to help ourselves before were able to help other people- and that is totally ok!

taking care of ourselves is the most important thing we can do. Sometimes we forget to engage in self care- I know im also guilty of that sometimes. Which is ok, humans are not perfect.

I think if you can, if you have time, engaging in some self-care might boost how you're feeling.

You can and will get through this.

Sending strength and light to you. Best wishes, natty.