Newbie to BB but longtime rider of the roller coaster.

[Mumish]

Hi everyone,

My life has been full of twists, turns, happiness but most of all lots of pain and confusion. Never really understanding why I find myself too scared to leave my home for what seem untouchable reasons or trying to sleep the days away so I don't have to feel them. I see what should be a life to be enjoyed pass me by. I watch others appearing to live happy fulfilling lives with strength and courage and wonder why I am like I am and can't do the same.

I have a complex story which may come out here, I'm not sure yet, but my life stories continue to go around and around in my mind while I struggle to make some kind of logical sense of it all and search for how I can get off this roller coaster and leave it all behind and just be normal.

More recently I came across articles of children of narcissistic parents and felt it was a mirror image of me. The damage its done to my life pains me, but now I feel I understand myself better and may have found my direction to heal. I guess the positive is I'm having another try at opening a door by being here to help myself. The few threads I've read so far in that section has helped and makes me realize just how many people suffer and why, so maybe my story and involvement can help me and others too

[blondguy]

Hello Mumish

A Warm Welcome to the BB Forums

My name is Paul and have had depression for many years. I do feel for you so very much with the pain and anguish you have going through. You have great courage by reaching out and posting Mumish.

I understand this roller coaster we are all on can be a pain. Right now you are stuck on the low part in a big slump. The highs are still there but yours are covered in stormclouds temporarily so it would be difficult so see your way back up again.

I have also had anxiety disorder for many years. If its okay to ask you Mumish.....do you have much anxiety? I have a friend with depression who has a lot of problems getting of that couch/bed during the day too.

There are many wonderful and kind people on the forums who can help even if you just want to say hello. To find that 'peace of mind' can be hard to do but a good GP or a counsellor can be a bonus (if you arent aleady seeing someone of course)

I also hear you on narcissistic parent(s) There are many members on here that have been there too and understand your pain....including me

I am quite sure that your input will be a great help to many others in the BB Community Mumish

I do hope you have some peace....soon..

My Kindest Thoughts for you

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi Mumish. Hi there and welcome. The damage done to children by narcissistic parents can seem overwhelming as the child starts to grow. I get the impression there is also a bit of PTSD as a result of your troubled childhood. Perhaps a bit of 'guilt' brought on by the feeling of not quite living up to what's expected of you. If you suspect you had narcissistic parents there is an article on the forums relating to the various personality traits of narcissism. Have you ever sought help through a Dr or psychologist. If you have been the victim of any sort of abuse the memories can be painful and working through them requires help. Sleeping your days away could also be a way of escaping your troubled past. It sounds as though there is some depression there too, so you are dealing with an awful lot on your own. I would suggest a good place to start would be your Dr to arrange counselling. Do you have a spouse/partner to support you emotionally. These feelings you're dealing with often seem worse when you're facing them alone. If you have a good support system, that can be tremendous.

If you can get back to us, that would be good, so we know where you are with your journey.

Lynda.

[Mumish]

Thank you Paul and Lynda for such a warm welcome and understanding caring comments.

Funny how people who have experienced similar things can read in between the lines so well … you both are spot on! Not really up to sharing too much yet but a really big thank you for your responses and encouragement, it’s very much appreciated. Its brought tears of relief just feeling heard. xox

I have just been reading what you both have shared in some threads along with someone called White Knight and can so relate so well to all that you've said. Its putting many of those puzzle pieces together.

thank you 😃👍

[White_Rose]

Dear Mumish

Hello and welcome to the forum. Lynda and Paul have already given you a warm welcome and I want to add my welcome as well. White Knight has written a number of posts on Narcissistic parents and the damage done to children. He will be along soon and will show you how to access these articles.

In the meantime I encourage you to see your GP and get referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist. At the very least you seem to be very deeply depressed and probably have other difficulties as well. We will support you here on BB but you also need some professional help.

I totally understand you wanting to sleep the day away. I have done that on many occasions. It feels good at the time not having to live with your pain. The trouble is the pain will not go away by itself. You need someone to help you heal. And I know that can be a painful journey. But you have made the first step by writing here, so well done. Tell as little or as much as you wish. This is a safe place to be and to talk to others. No one judges anyone, although we may make a few suggestions on how you can help yourself to get well again.

If you feel really bad and want to talk to someone, phone Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. There is someone to talk to 24/7. Or you can phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, also 24/7. Or if you prefer, go to the Chatline which is a real time email process. See bottom of the page. I see you have been browsing through the forum. I suggest you also check out the information available on BB. Either scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the topics, or go to the top of the page and explore the blue tabs. There is a lot of information you may find helpful. You can download it or send for free hard copies.

May I ask how old you are? I ask because there are some web sites that are dedicated to people of different ages, which you may wish to explore.

Something I have found which helps me, and others have also found helpful, is to write down how you feel. Perhaps get yourself a small journal book and write in it every day or so, describing how you feel, what you want etc. etc. Because no one except you is going to read it you can be completely open about what you say. It can be surprising how different things look when they are written down. It's because writing down your thoughts really does add, in some way, a different perspective. It seems to clarify issues for you in a more concrete way. Have a go.

I look forward to reading your posts.

Mary

[Mumish]

Thank you mary for reaching out and all the info. Thanks … I do keep a journal and sometimes it helps.

I have a GP and in the past have seen psychologists and psychiatrist but am yet to find someone who I feel connected with. That’s my plan for when I get my next burst of strength. I find when I see them and I’m going through a trigger like now I end up dealing with it and not the core of the problem which I feel is growing up with narcissist parents mostly my father and other childhood issues.

I’m 55, on my own with no support, unemployed, twice divorced (second husband mirror image of my father also a narcissist, alcoholic and abuser). I have distanced myself from biological family for self preservation and have a real go at a normal life but and as seems typical traits of narcissism am feeling the repercussions from doing so.

My trigger this time is I have a daughter from my first marriage, whom I adore but am really worried and confused about her and our relationship. I don’t want to pass blame and not sure about my subconscious contribution to the circumstance as when you’ve been brought up in a dysfunctional house it’s hard to know what’s normal. But to me she’s showing signs of the same traits as my father and ex husband and is very good at pushing my buttons, creating a drama and making me feel like it’s my fault. Am also trying really hard to find work and having no luck. That voice of being a failure and worthless often told by my father echo’s in my head. So this time I would like to get to the core of my situation and get to move forward.

I am sincerely so grateful for the responses but am feeling overwhelmed and nervous that I’ve opened a can of worms by going online. Don’t want to play the victim, I’ve made my own decisions and some were really dumb! Feel I need to move at my own pace. Maybe posting it makes it real where as in the past I can pretend its not there for a while anyway. Does that make sense?

[white knight]

Hi Mumish, welcome

As you can see, this community is a team. We support and respect each other and are all unique in our experiences but some with a common theme and the thread we came together recently about- narcissistic parents was (google it) "Topic: abusive parents and their effect on us, their children- beyondblue"

Others that would be helpful are "Topic: Destructive MIL- beyondblue", "Topic: BPD mother made me an emotional basket case- beyondblue", "Topic- new member- brother with personality disorder- beyondblue"

As Paul stated many of us have had issues with our parents that has had huge ramifications . Yes, the roller coaster effect, anger, sadness, a feeling that you'll never rid yourself of the psychological hold that parent has on you (even after he/she passes away) and so on.

Feel free to retain the details of your case, no pressure here. Raise a thread if and when you want to ask questions.

As for becoming 'normal' please try to accept that that isn't likely possible but you will in time get comfort for your progress. As you have said, knowing where your symptoms originate from is a big step. Next step is to accept your situation and get the best possible outcome for what is not recovery but a well managed mental health plan. Parts of such a plan could include- proper diagnosis, the best medication for you, the fine tuning of such meds, visits to referred professionals as required, self research (you've commenced this and continue on), re- examining factors of your current life (google- Topic: be radical- beyondblue") and forum help which has several benefits.

We are available for you to post 7 days a week all day in case you are bothered and cant sleep. We are unique because we know what you are going through and we support as much as we can in the silent quest of helping others to mend their lives.

Chronic Borderline Personality Disorder has similar symptoms to narcissistic behaviour. Frankly I don't know what my mother has because she is in denial. But I also got comfort from stumbling on a site on the net about a book called "walking on egg shells" by Dr Christine Lawson. You can get an extract of the thrust of that book by googling "Witch queen waif hermit" Staggering stuff.

Mary has provided you above with phone numbers for immediate help which might sound like something to dismiss however we have our own roller coaster lives and when down we have to have these things ready-just in case.

Regards

Tony WK

[Mumish]

thank you Tony,

There is lots info there and reading for me to do. Much appreciated for taking the time to post. Sincere appreciation to everyone.

[blondguy]

Dear Mumish

You are most welcome and thanks for posting back 🙂

Paul

[Mumish]

Hi Mary, sorry I did reply to you but I must have posted incorrectly and it hasn't gone through. I'm 55. I'll continue to read through feeds and learn how to navigate the site. Thanks