New to This...kinda blue but its cold

[Britbear]

Hello everyone,

Thought Id say hello even though I've been lingering in the background for a few months. It's been informative reading the updates and what stuff people are going through. I have been battling a lot lately with being down and left out and rejected quite a bit. I belong to the gay community and find it kinda sad that it's become harder to meet people who will make the effort to do the simple things like coffee and brunch. I'm an up kind of guy and think I'm friendly inviting people out left right and centre but to no avail. Its kinda getting repetitive and I find myself repeating past hurts and repetitive actions and responses when people let me down. Ive become wary and find it hard to trust new friends etc and its doin my head in.It kinda tears me up inside and some days its a struggle. What do you thing is my best options? Ive tried so hard to be inclusive but cant feel the same way instead.

[Britbear]

Saying this I do have a wonderful partner but It kinda gets like a dripping tap talking to him all the time and If I tell him my frustrations it kinda gets him angry and upset that Im taking things too seriously. It seems to me that others see easy solutions and the answers to us seem fleeting and too difficult to break through the haze of our anxiety/depression. This is the first time Ive ever spoken publically about my concerns. Usually I do things that make me feel good like music, reading..cooking and that does help and active mindfulness techniques etc

[blondguy]

Hey Britbear

Welcome and thankyou so much for having the courage to post !

Im Paul and if you can bear with me I will have a friend reply as soon as I can

Good on you for posting too!

Wont be long Britbear

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Kazzl]

Hi Britbear, welcome to the forum mate. It's good to have you here. I think a lot of people here can relate to what you've described. When we're down, everything seems more acute, especially bad experiences that make us feel rejected or left out. When we're our usual well selves it's easier to just shrug them off but we're more fragile when we're down and things like that hurt - it's like our usual self-protective mechanisms aren't working.

I'm sorry you're going through this. And I admire you for reaching out and sharing it. Sometimes even that act alone, just getting things out of your head and into the open can help. I hope so.

Have you read the resources on the website? They might help you understand what's going on. And I think it might also help to talk with your doctor about it - get some strategies in place to stop it becoming worse.

I'm glad you have a wonderful partner. Sometimes those closest to us don't really understand even though they love us. People who have never experienced depression can take a while to accept it, and sometimes it's very challenging for them because they want to 'fix' us and can't. Maybe share some of the resources on the site with your partner.

You asked about options ... my thoughts are that you need to focus on you for a while, not others so much. You are doing excellent things with the mindfulness and pasttimes that make you feel good. Focus on those things - seek the pleasure and peacefulness within yourself. I think resilience in the face of rejection etc comes from having a strong sense of self.

I hope that's helpful Britbear, and I hope you keep posting here. I'd like to chat more with you.

Best wishes

Kaz

[Britbear]

Thanks Kaz for your kind words and taking the time to respond. I agree with all that you said...I think you are right in saying that a strong sense of self is very important in coping with rejection. Its those negative patterns of thought that can be hard to master. I call it going round the mountain...eventually you get to the top and have mostly fantastic days but when I'm low is when those patterns of thinking attack and I feel nobody in the world knows how I feel. I have a strong sense of emotional awareness and think I'm one of those overly sensitive people that others talk about. I often see connections that aren't there with friends and connectiveness with others that have hurt me etc. I think its time to step away from social media too as that kinda accentuates what others are doing and makes me feel even more isolated. I have taken steps to reduce my on line profile but its a dog eat dog world. If you cut people off on social media like facebook it kinda helps and doesn't cause you no longer have contacts anymore and posting a live comment hoping for reaction can often end in silence.

I kinda have to step back from it all to grow stronger and make myself more self and less about others. In that way I can move forward I expect.

[Britbear]

Thanks Paul

[Kazzl]

Hiya Britbear, thanks for the quick response! I'm glad it made sense! Your description of going round a mountain is spot on! Oh I know that so well.

Yeah, social media can be a wonderful thing, but it can also intensify everything when we're down. I think it's partly the instantaneous nature of it - we expect responses straight away and, when we're fragile, if they don't come we read all sorts of things into it. A break away, or at least minimising it, might help you get a different perspective.

What else do you like to do mate? You mentioned music, that's always a big help to me, and I like cooking too. Like I said earlier, keep up the things you enjoy. It often happens when we sink down low that we forget about simple pleasures. We can even get to the point where we forget that pleasure exists. Do you do any exercise? My doctor tells me I should and I'm, ummmm, working up to it. People swear by it for depression. One day I'll find out if they're right. 😄

Hope you keep chatting here mate, and I hope your day today is a good one.

Kaz

[Britbear]

Hi Kaz,

Thanks again for your reply. RUOK? day today at work so its always interesting to see if people seem to care more. Saying that I work in a pretty nice place and everyone is respectful etc. I lift heavy things so sometimes if im down that can raise my tolerance levels to a low level which isn't great when you are trying to demonstrate great customer service.

You asked what I like...so much good stuff...my music and I love to sing and you mentioned cooking which is one of many joys since moving in with my boyf. I have loads to live for and never get so low I feel like ending it all...just I suppose I feel numb and ineffectual at all as I want to let people in but they don't see interested in letting me in. It leads to feelings of self doubt and loneliness.

But good news... Today I start my health kick. I do walk a lot but I need to start eating better. Those pies and crisps have got to go. the healthier I am physically the better Ill be able to battle those negative thoughts. It tastes good but damn the after effects can be bad...lol

Anyway back to work for me. hugs mate.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Britbear, hugs to you too! We have much in common my friend - I sing too, in a blues and gospel choir. Must say I like the blues side best, I'm not much of a gospeller LOL. To be honest I'm more an ageing wannabe rock chick but I haven't found a choir that does Cold Chisel yet. 😄 Actually, just a thought, have you considered joining a community choir? Good way to meet new people and share a common pleasure and purpose ...

That's great you have a respectful and happy workplace. Makes so much difference.

Good luck with the health kick. I gotta get me one of them ... It's good you enjoy cooking. I went very low carb for a while and found it presented quite a cooking challenge, and I enjoyed that side of it. It's good fun working out healthy recipes. Is your partner a health-conscious fella?

Hope you have a good day Britbear. Chat later I hope.

Kaz

[Britbear]

Hi Kaz,

Funny enough I used to sing in many choirs. I was a churchie from 17 til 26 and used to lead choirs and stuff and do solo performances. Ive often thought of joining the gay and lesbian choir but Im too much of a diva and want centre stage..lol. But I find singing is the best way to express myself. Lucky I can sing so my boyf doesn't need ear plugs or the neighbours...lol

My partner is health conscious but he cannot resist the allure of a cake or scone...and he cooks great desserts. Im the more meat and veg kinda guy...lol

Its been good chatting. Its always nice to have a friendly reminder that people care. Of course I have to try to take this into the real world and the biggest challenge for me is making mates in the real world and not get hung up on the hurts and rejection cause that kinda makes me less likeable although as you can tell I have a good sense of humour and all I wanna do is love me mates...sometimes I cry in desperation cause I really wanna be a factor and hep in peoples times of need but feel my friends like this,,,,but all I feel like is telling them send me a message and Ill catch up...its frustrating,,,grrrrr..cause they don't or make excuses. A lot of people feel this way and we end up pushing people away. ps I used to be a youth counsellor back in the day. maybe one day ill get back into it cause I do have an empathetic nature.