New to the forum

[Dan1970]

Hi all

I am new to beyond blue. My story is unique to me but hopefully not to the readers of this post.

My story begins 20 years ago when I moved to Australia from the UK. I never intended to stay here but it just happened. I was at the time and still am a Registered Nurse. I was by training a General Nurse but was involved a lot in Psychiatry and Drug and Alcohol by default in a 'seedy' area of Australia. I was a real achiever in the profession and was widely recognised by my peers as a leader. My personal life though was a disaster. I was stuck with a partner who I initially loved but who I grew more distant from. We did though have 2 wonderful children who I essentially raised single 'handedly' as my wife was absent though work the majority of the time. The pressure of work and bringing up children was relieved like an exploding powder keg when I met a beautiful woman who appeared at that time to be a true soul mate about 5 years ago. I separated for 18 months and eventually moved interstate to be with her. My life then went from disastrous to catastrophic. When I moved in with her (after the initial honeymoon period) my new partner turned out to be a high functioning alcoholic drinking at lunchtime and dinner every day. This was accompanied by at first verbal abuse then eventually physical abuse of me. This was a daily occurrence. She became insanely jealous of work colleagues and would call and text me, my bosses and peers to 'check up' on me with resultant consequences to my career prospects. I justified her behaviour towards me as a consequence of stress about our relationship and the effect of a 'near death' experience she had had a couple of years ago requiring ICU stay of 2 weeks. The pressure of this had (in hindsight) an innocuous, creeping effect on me. I was under constant stress worrying about her reaction to every day events, this went on for 3 years until I suffered significant physical injuries. I feel lost now. I was not happy before but maintain a great relationship with my ex and children despite the estrangement.  The sense of making the wrong decision and then tolerating her behaviour made me question my very being. I attempted suicide, became, on reflection, emotionally manipulating of people around me and have finally decided to try and seek some support. Unsure of the next step but thought I would try and seek advice on this forum as I am reluctant to seek help from people I may have worked with in a professional capacity.

[geoff]

dear Dan, hi and thanks for coming to the forum.

Your job as a general nurse in the psychiatry and alcoholics department must have been very intense and certainly with unpredictable circumstances in everyday you worked there, and possibly could be dangerous.

Both of your relationships have been unsuccessful, however you have 2 children which you obviously love and want to stay in contact with, but with your second lady who was herself an alcoholic and an abusive person who I believe has done some significant damage to you, well I don't have to tell you what you need to do, which may have happened already.

She was a mistake but you didn't know until you lived together, and unfortunately that this is only the way we know what this person is really like, when we live together, because so much can be hidden while going out, and we don't get to know what they are really like while courting, and can I assure you that your not the only person this has happened to.

The number of people in your field or general hospital etc. who are depressed is enormous, and handling those people in your area would create a lot of depression in trying to deal with unstable behaviour, and in itself could also cause suicide, but then add on what you have been through it then doubles.

Most of us want to be in a loving relationship no matter what, and will always strive to have one, but along the way we maybe left 'high and dry' with plenty of disappointments, which makes us feel dumped again or can put us into depression.

It may cost you nothing by having counselling with people you know, which would be of a financial help, but if your work mates find out, I'm not sure how this will go or benefit you, unless you can set it up in an inconsequential area where no one will know, but that's up to you, but it's certainly would be a good idea, and if this doesn't happen then I think you should go and consult your doctor.

I am pleased that you have kept in contact with your ex and particularly your children, and this maybe the same in where I stand where my ex and I are great friends but could not live together any more, but keep connected and talk often.

Getting back to you it seems that you are facing depression if not already having it, and this is because you try to end your life, and if I say that you seem to be unstable, I certainly don't mean this in any way to upset you, but you have a difficult job, lost 2 relationships and feel at a loss of what to do.

37 words left. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Dan

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. So sorry to read your sad story. It is always heartbreaking to separate from your partner no matter what the cause. Often there is regret and some guilt about whether you could have done something different etc. The short answer, of course, is that you tried your best and then walked away.

As Geoff has said, you are not alone. I stayed with my husband for 30 years when I should have left after six months. As Geoff says, you only find out the real person when you live together. You have, I gather, no children with this second lady which makes separation easier. I had four children and by the time I had summoned up enough courage to leave it was after they had all left home.

Fifteen years have passed since since I left and I have many mental and emotional scars to show for it. It is only now that I am about to start counselling for DV. The effects of marriage and subsequent depression have had a significant impact on my life and it's not good. A major depression is not a nice place to be.

So with hindsight, which is always 20/20, getting help should have been my first option. Well I did try but the therapist was dreadful and in many ways exacerbated the abuse. You have been in the field so will have an idea of the best person or people to consult and also to know whether you are receiving the most appropriate help.

Knowing your counselor/psych could be a problem I agree. I think it's best to go to someone new but you can discuss this with your GP. Please take that next step. You have seen what abuse can do to others, so take care to limit the damage to yourself.

It's great that you still have a good relationship with your children and first partner. It must give you some stability.

Think what advice you would give someone who told you a similar history. Then act on your own advice. Good luck and write in again.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Dear Dan,

Hi and welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

It must be tough not knowing who to reach out to for help as you are concerned how people you know and have worked with will react.

Beyond Blue have a phone help line, you could use a service like that to find out what resources there are close to you that you may be unaware of.

It can be really tough making the phone calls you need to or getting out the door and driving to where ever you need to be to get help. I hope you can do it.

When you do, please share with me how you managed it! I have a really hard time believing that I am worth  the help I so desperately need. I went to see my Dr. yesterday and she wanted to have me committed to hospital right away but I told her I had a client waiting for me and that wasn't possible. Also if I don't work I don't get paid. It is tough sometimes.

I lived in a very physically and emotionally abusive marriage for a while then ran away. My current marriage is abusive emotionally and in a neglect type fashion as well. Why do we stay and put up with this stuff?

It sounds like you want out of all of this so I hope you have the guts, determination, courage and what ever else you need to seek and receive the help you need right now.

As you are probably aware, there are so many help lines out there, phone them until you get the direction you need.

If you don't mind me asking you a very sensitive question, did you end up in hospital after your suicide attempt? Were you given any mental health help then or just patched up and sent home again?

Are you away from this lady who obviously needs so much help herself but not from you in my opinion?

I hope you are able to find a "new" you. Life will never be the same as it was before. It can be new and different. You can build a stronger relationship with your children and your ex. You can mend bridges, and you can move on. One step at a time.

Reaching out here is the first step. Keep going on this journey of recovery and please let us know how you are getting on if you are up to it.

All the best from Lauren or Mrs. Dools