Hello Growing Violets,
You stir up my emotions that's - okay, now.
Once upon a time it would not have been at all acceptable to me, but after many
years I can sit with these emotions.
I understand how confronting it is to see,
events of our lives all gathered up & summarised, for someone
else to see, & for you, to be in the form of the referral included in your
medical record.
I remember , when I realised cursory
references were made to my 'personal' issues were included in referrals to an
Ophthalmologist, & someone else I can't remember, & feeling really
exposed, & thinking, what do they need to know that for?
Other times, just thinking how my life &
how experiences have effected me can be summed up in a few lines also feels
sort of insulting. Like, "What that's all you've got to say? I can, write,
much more than what this says. Where am I in these few words? " I feel I
get lost in the way reports & referrals are written. It is, after all, just
the paperwork.
*
I find it difficult, still, to take
in the whole picture. Even sitting here on my own, taking each bit &
trying to place things in a timeline, it seems everything can't fit.
& I don't want this stuff to be what
defines me. I don't like the labels or diagnosis either. They have their uses
for getting relevant treatment. Beyond that, they feel restrictive, like
fencing off an area around me & telling me I must fit within, because anything
hanging out will be lopped off.
It was a big deal to be honest with myself,
to have been able to write & imagine people reading, & I can deal with
my discomfort, & I think, they with theirs. I do not want to be told I
can't say this, or that, which is too close to what I was told when I was a child.
So now, although I try to tidy up my writing, I do not like to edit the content of what I want to say, or how I express it. I don't want to be telling myself, "you can't say that".
(& then I go & delete a little of what I just wrote, again. It just seemed too much. )
*
I'm not sure if what I've written is of any
use,, to you or anyone else reading, but I hope so.
I hope we will talk some more.
mmMekitty
