Need to bounce thoughts off someone

[nomes123]

Hey, I'm Nay & I'm 19.

Basically I'm here because I don't really know what's wrong with me recently, but I know that I feel like crap 99% of the time.

To give you some context, I've always described myself as passionate, motivated, ambitious, generous and kind. I've never really had anxiety and have always been quite a confident person. Had a bit of a run in with (what I think was) depression when I was 14/15 but have been okay ever since.

Recently, I've just been so unmotivated about just EVERYTHING. My job, which I adore, feels like a mammoth effort to get through any shift and I had to defer uni because I was just like "nah" with all the course work and assessments and then failed everything (family disappointment right here). I am constantly tired, but can't sleep at night, I literally have to drive myself to the point of exhaustion before I can fall asleep because I can turn out the light at 11pm and not sleep at all because my brain won't shut the hell up.

I get so anxious over really small things that I've never had issues with before, but then I also am SO apathetic to things that I should care about. My boss sat me down the other day and said "I'm disappointed in the way you did this this and this" (totally warranted by the way I screwed up a few things pretty badly) and people being disappointed in me has always been something that I cannot deal with and will get my butt moving to improve on whatever I messed up, but this time I was just like "ok cool I disappointed you like I disappoint myself on a daily basis what's new".

The deferring uni thing has really messed me up I think, because I was always told as a kid "Not going to university is not an option" but I have hated it from the very first day. I stuck it out for 1.5 years before I was on the verge of actually offing myself because of how awful it was and was like "this is ridiculous" and deferred a semester to get myself together, but ever since then I've just spiralled and now I don't think I can go back at all. Like, yeah I'm feeling like shit now but I was feeling a hundred percent worse when I was in uni.

Basically at the moment I close my eyes every night hoping that I don't wake up the next day. I've tried to combat this by filling the near future with things I'm looking forward to, concerts, holidays etc but nothing has worked & every time I go to speak to someone about this my throat closes up and my brain forgets the English language.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Nay

Welcome to our forums. We hope you find them useful and supportive.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, yet you are very hard on yourself.

It might be time to make an appointment with your GP and share how you are feeling. They will have some good ideas and hopefully suggest that you see a counsellor or psychologist who can guide you out of your current situation. The GP might also run a few blood tests to check your levels.

Deferring uni is fine...so many of us do it. You are really young and can go back to it or something else when you are ready. In the meantime we need you to find happiness in yourself. What do you enjoy? What interests you? Do you have any thoughts on what you want your future to hold?

Immediate things you can do now to help with the sleeping and anxiousness:

- exercise, even if it is just a walk to get fresh air, Vitamin D and the body moving

- eat well, fresh and healthy food where possible

- use a meditation app

- use a mindfulness app

- read some interesting, thought provoking books which distract you from your thoughts

- socialise with family and friends

The above might have mixed impact but they have all worked in getting my anxiety under control, hopefully they help for you too.

Let us know how you go.

Blue Jane

[Mathy]

Hi Nay and welcome to the BB forums 🙂

I’m happy to bounce some ideas around. I’m 61, I live with PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. I work retail and work with a lot of people your age.

Regarding Uni, (and I have also taught young people in their first years of Uni). I feel sad that there is so much pressure on teenagers to decide what they are going to “be”. I see so many young folk who are doing degrees, which cost them money, and many of them are so unsure about why they are doing, what they are doing.

You say you adore your job, how fantastic! Why? And are the hours you’re working enough to live on? Because, perhaps your job is giving you what you want, at this stage in your life. You can always return to Uni, if you decide that’s necessary. However, at the moment you have a job you enjoy. That job may lead to a career, and that might lead to study at Uni, that your employer might help you with, if it is necessary - and it may not be. Many employers have their own training, which leads to promotion and a career path.

Back to the “depression”. I just have life experience, so no diagnosis. I went straight to Uni after high school, about 100 years ago, and lasted 6 months - didn’t know what I wanted, my parents expected me to go. I now have 2 degrees, one with a first class Honours. I completed them much later in life, because I wanted to.

So, as we’re bouncing ideas around, my ideas are:

You love your job - embrace it with all of your heart, you never know where it will lead you.

Go and see your GP, perhaps get a referral to a Psychologist to have a chat. I’m hesitant to suggest Uni counselling services, because Universities are now businesses and they will want you to continue studying at their University. A Psychologist will give you an independent assessment and, if you have to deal with family about quitting Uni for the moment, will help with strategies, to achieve what you want in your life.

To me, what you have written indicates that it’s your studies that are dragging your mood down, and contributing to lack of motivation and feeling pretty awful. Perhaps because there are family expectations?

Please get back, and let us know how you’re going. Also, there is a space for young people if you check the front page of the forums. You’ll probably find some young folk with similar issues there, that you can chat to.

All the very best, cheers M 🙂