My mum is dying from Ovarian Cancer and I’m SO angry

[JJ1699]

My mum was diagnosed with metastatic cancer that has spread to her liver. She was diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer 3 years ago and we were told the news that she only had a few weeks/months left to live 4 weeks ago.

I’ve gone through the stages of being numb and supportive and encouraging to myself, my mum and my family. But now I’m just angry. My mum (49 years old) hasn’t wanted to do anything for my sister (22 years old) and I (24 years old) which breaks my heart. I know nothing about what’s ahead of me or what to expect with parenthood, giving birth, marriage, work and life. I feel cheated out of a mother and my future experiences where I have always seen her being there to offer support and wisdom.

My mother and I have been bestfriends for so long and I’m struggling so much with the fact she doesn’t want to talk about her feelings, share stories or wisdom. It makes me so angry.

I have a sister that suffers from bipolar and I’m also having to deal with walking on egg shells to ensure I don’t upset her. She’s angry with me as I have a partner who wants to support and be there for me and the family. She finds him “a lot” and I feel extremely uncomfortable with how she makes him feel and I feel like I’m in a really awkward situation when I’m trying to get support from him when I feel so alone from my family. 

I’m angry at the doctors that aren’t able to operate. I’m angry that ovarian cancer kills so many young mothers. I’m angry at my mum for wasting her last few weeks and months doing nothing. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi JJ1699,  Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re so sorry to hear about your mum. We can hear you’re a really caring family member and your concerns come from such a loving and supportive place.  I’m sure we’ll hear from our amazing community soon. It’s also really important to check in with yourself while you’re going through this, so it might be good to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. There’s a really useful part about how it can affect relationships which might be useful to you, too. This is obviously an incredibly painful time, and it’s really important you and your family are supported through it. In case it's useful you can find advice and directories on the Beyond Blue website here. We'd highly recommend talking to Griefline, on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day).   Thanks again for sharing here. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing and offering your support here on the forums, so we hope you can be kind to yourself also through this time.  Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Mark Z.]

Hi JJ 1699,

I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s condition and how it’s affecting you and your family. And I can tell it's extremely challenging for you.

It’s natural to feel angry and frustrated with this situation. I'm really sorry. But remember, it's your mother's illness, not her as a person. Redirecting your anger to the illness will help you cope with your feelings and feel less helpless. For example, instead of being angry at your mother for not wanting to talk about her feelings or share stories and wisdom, you can be angry at the cancer that is causing her pain and suffering. This can help you feel more in control of your emotions and may help you find some peace during this difficult time.

There are things you can do for your mother. You can ask her what she needs specifically. She probably knows exactly what she needs in this difficult time, but she may not want to ask for it. You can ask her what she needs and try to fulfill her requests as best as you can.

Your mother may experience depression caused by the cancer diagnosis and therefore she doesn't want to talk or do anything. Take good care of yourself and you family, tell her good news about you and family, will make her feel better because she wants you to be heathy and happy. You can also try to bring her flower and cook her favourite meal.

At last, everyone’s journey with cancer is different, so it’s important that you respect your mother’s journey and let her make decisions.

Hope it helps a bit.
Mark

[Summer Rose]

Hi JJ1699

I’m very sorry that you are losing your mother. I understand your anger and many of your frustrations having lost my own mother to cancer.

My mother was so angry during her last few months that I too felt she was wasting precious time. The last few months of her life were not at all what I thought they “should” be like.

But with space and reflection since her passing, I realise that she was enduring incredible pain and dealing with her own grief, sadness and fear.
I have no doubt that your mum is doing the best she can.

I think Mark has given you some excellent suggestions and advice, which I won’t repeat. From my experience I can only add that, I found starting conversations with “Remember when …” seemed to draw mum into meaningful conversations and bring some joy and laughter to our time together. And, if she didn’t take the bait and engage, I would just tell the story anyway. 
I did give my mum a journal thinking she might like to write down her thoughts but she didn’t use it. I was frustrated but after her death found a letter she had written to me along with her will. It had obviously been written between her terminal diagnosis and the commencement of palliative care. It was a precious gift.

You take good care of yourself. Post anytime.

Kind thoughts to you 


Kind thoughts to you