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My mum is dying and is going to make sure i end up without my daughter and alone - she hates me
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Is it normal for your mum to decide that she just doesn't want to know you, despite being months away from dying according to doctors?
She has had care of my eldest daughter (we live together), and for the first few years, I had major issues, which was a long time ago—10 years—and now she wants to take away my daughter when she dies, despite us being so close, and me being in a healthy position, I think, to have her. She tells every single friend, aunt, and uncle that I am the worst person she has ever met, and that I am the reason she has cancer. I do get into really big arguments with her because of this, and she winds me up. She knows how to upset me and then sits there acting like a victim, calling me a psychopath, bipolar, and a "fruitcake," as she likes to say. I mean, I am her carer. I try to be there for her, but she doesn't like me and hasn't for years, and it makes it difficult to deal with. She treats me like I'm her maid—leaves me things like old rubbish and wet dog beds covered in maggots to clean up, and blames me for everything. I clean up her dogs' poop and piss, maggots, and whatever other filth she creates, and she just walks over me, looking at me like I'm a piece of crap. Today, she asked me to move out on my own, despite having no one—no sister, no brother, nothing—and knowing my partner might be facing jail time in April. I am at the loneliest time of my life, and I am terrified of her dying, and I’m most scared of losing Olivia. She wants to send her to live five hours away with my aunt, who can't stand me either. I don't know. I know I have done some very terrible things in my life, but I definitely think I am worth more than the treatment she is giving me right now.
She was my whole world growing up, and now she tells me I am a loser who is draining her resources, a liar, and whatever else, saying I need to piss off. Yes, I know I'm troubled, but is she really going to make me go into the world unprepared, alone, and without the means to cover anything right now? Is she really going to make sure Liv is not in my life? Is she really going to make sure I have the worst, most saddest future, and get me back for whatever she is still mad about?
I couldn't do that to my daughters. I would never treat Ava or Olivia like that, ever. I don’t know what to do. I know she is sick, and I wish I could be there for her, but she doesn’t want me to be, and it’s hard to find the empathy I should have for her after what she has been doing to me lately 😞
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Dear Ashleigh91~
I'd like to welcome you here ot the Forum, where you will not be treated badly - quite the reverse. So many people here have had hard times and understand the problems of others -and want to help.
Please excuse me for being blunt, however your mother sounds not only toxic, but I strongly suspect has mental health issues.
Nobody should be so abusive, make you do the most unsavory of tasks, badmouth you to others and worst of all knows how to really hurt by trying to raise doubt over custody of your daughter.
Under those circumstances expecting yourself to feel empathy for her is a bit much.
To know that one is going to pass away in the reasonably near future can of course be deeply upsetting, however that is no reason to lash out at those closest, particularly as a parent one has even more ability to hurt..
If you can be carer for your mother htere is no way you cannot look after your kids. So please don't worry about that . A past 10 years ago is sure to be long enough away and being a carer proves your worth.
It's a pity about your partner, apart from anything else a partner can be a great help with kids. I also realise his situation is an additional source of worry for you. Maybe things might not be as bad as feared and if they are I get the impression you will be able to cope even so.
Have you has your mother assessed by a CATT team or similar to see if she has the ability to make rational decisions? It does not sound as if she does.
If Ava, Olivia and you all love each other that is the most important thing
Croix
