Hi My name is XRSW, i just want to be known by that name. I'm actually a very happy young man, but because of my sexuality, it makes my world crumble down and dark. I knew I had been gay for a reasonable amount of time now, but I have been scared and hurting inside, ever since my brother found out about me. He was older, much manlier brother, and rather homophobic person. When I was still in high school, my brother found a chat of me and my then boyfriend, and he questioned me about it. He asked me to pray to god, to make sure I didn't end up in hell for what I am. When I wanted to come out to my parents, he gave me a talk of how they would be sad and ashamed of me, which led me to not come out to my parents up till today. Coming from an Asian family, this is not normal. From what my older brother made me think, I am a disgrace to the family if I were ever to show my sexuality, and would rather I mask it in tons and tons of sadness and hatred. But my saving grace is my oldest sister, who accepted me immediately once I came out to her. She is still my point of where I talk to in order to keep me sane and know that I am not doing anything wrong and I should not be ashamed of myself.
Besides my brother and family, my love life has rocked my relationships with many of my very close friend. I had a very close friend who was "cool" with what I am once I had confessed to him, but never reply to any of my messages or calls ever again. Just like that, many years of friendship was over. But what led me to become depressed is that the add-ons of death of family members, friends and stress from University makes me need to talk to people, to allow me to share about my problems. One of my close friends passed away. It made me sad that even though I wasn't as close to her, but once she is gone, you would only remember the good times you had with her. She was sort of my older sister when I was doing cheer-leading in High-school. And to top it all of, the death of my grandparents sort of set it all of, as my grandmother was the sweetest person you can ever talk to, cooking homemade noodles and caring about others before herself. When all of these add up, my heart sank, so deep I thought it was not even salvageable, but when I had people to talk to, it made it tolerable. But for now, everything is not too bad, but its not good either.
