Members new and old, introduce yourselves here

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is (what will hopefully become) a mega-thread for members, new and old, to introduce themselves.  I'll kick off:

My name is Chris Banks and I’m the online communities manager at beyondblue. Basically, I’m here to help out, contribute to discussions, and answer any questions you may have about beyondblue. I work with a team of moderators behind-the-scenes who keep the forums running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I’m 37, originally from New Zealand, and have worked as a filmmaker, journalist, and musician.  I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in the mental health sector too. I have lived experience of bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety, and have been living in Melbourne for nearly two years. In my spare time I enjoy movies, music, hanging out with mates, and I barrack for Hawthorn, much to the disgust of some of our regular members!

I’m not a psychologist or counsellor (although I have seen a fair few of them), so I can’t give medical advice. Like everyone else here, I can provide peer support only.
I really enjoy being part of the community and virtually meeting the many different people of all ages who come through everyday, even if they're not feeling the best when they arrive on the doorstep. Hopefully in your time here you'll feel less alone, and pick up some tips and encouragement for the journey.  

(passes on the talking stick)

PLEASE NOTE: This thread is for introductions only, if you have an issue you would like to discuss ongoing with the community, please start a new thread with your topic in the appropriate section.

[caroline_]

Hi... not exactly new here, but it's been a couple of years since I've logged on. I'm 35, and I've had anxiety since I was 9 or 10 due to being bullied in primary school. Extended to social anxiety upon entering high school. Turned into full-blown depression some time during that time. Still struggling. Managed to finish my teaching degree despite a huge bout of depression and anxiety, and got a job as a preschool teacher. Last year I injured my back and had severe nerve pain caused by a bulging disc in my spine, which triggered the mental illness again. Was very lucky that the surgery I managed to get (after a month in hospital) worked perfectly, and have no nerve issues anymore. I managed to revoke my 'forever alone' status not long after my surgery, and am currently in a relationship with an amazing guy. I have a great job. Yet I still feel worthless. It's the small stupid things that set me off, and it makes me feel like crap because I shouldn't let it get to me. Right now it's because I overheard housemates bitching about me and my partner on Monday morning. Mainly about me. Just looking to vent and maybe find some help. 

[Pontius]

Hello. I am Pontius (not my real name, but keeping a little anonymity here...). I like writing and composing and Hamlet. I also like learning anything.

I have come to Beyond Blue because I have suffered from mental illness (depression, anxiety and OCPD tendencies) in the past and I like the idea of a site where you don't just receive help and advice but give back too. I have made this account now when I am not feeling so down so that if things get bad I will come here because the account is already made. I am hoping to communicate with other people that suffer the same sort of things as me so that maybe we can all feel a little less alone.

Pontius​

[Muddlee]

Hi everyone, 

At the beginning of this year I was diagnosed with GAD. Prior to seeing my GP and a psychologist I was suffering from very overwhelming anxiety to the point where I became agoraphobic, socially anxious of being around anyone (even my friends), had difficulty speaking and sleeping and was constantly worrying about the smallest and most ridiculous things. For 1 1/2 years it felt like my intrusive thoughts were uncontrollable and that I was going crazy. I didn't tell my friends, not even my parents which just increased the burden of stress, worry and mental frustration. I felt completely exhausted and scared, to the point where I didn't even want to get out of bed some mornings. Finally I sought help. I told everyone I could and received so much welcoming and non-judgmental support from my family and friends. I started seeing a psychologist and have been practicing meditation and relaxing techniques. Not even a 3/4 of a year down the track I have improved so much. The funny thing is that the intrusive thoughts are still there! There still as illogical, anxious-creating and INTRUSIVE as they once were, but my attitude towards them has changed so much. I even had a panic attack (ironically after my uni exams) this year and I still struggle day-to-day, week-by-week, month-by-month. But hey, I'm still happy that at least  I now understand what I'm experiencing, that there is great support out there (including this fantastic website) and that everyone knows that I have anxiety. My personal message to everyone out there is to seek help ASAP no matter how big or small your issue is. I'm so proud to be part of this community. 

Peace out peeps! 

Muddlee.

[GreenCat]

Hi Everyone, today is the first time i have reached out to organised support, it has been a long journey with friends, family and a wonderful GP who has helped enormously, but i need to broaden the support base and collect information from more sources if i am to continue in a positive way.  I have been on this journey (diagnosed) for over ten years and have in the last twelve months, been made redundant, found a new job (turns out the boss is a bully though), and my partner has died, the positives though are that i have a job with a wonderful team of colleagues, a wonderful family, won a trip to France and took my daughter (we both studied art history) have started a university post grad and have been back to my wonderful doctor for new meds (needed to get some help to balance) i have also increased my mindfulness practice and in the last two weeks felt sadness and recognised it as that.  I don't have any expectations from this, but i know just by being here that i am among people whose experiences may be different but similar to mine and that our journeys are all long and winding.

I'm female, 53 and here 🙂

[Kree]

I'm nearly 40, I have anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not typical OCD) and body dysmorphia. I often suffer bouts of anxiety-related anorexia (not deliberate), and then stress-eating. These last five years have been the hardest including a divorce from an emotionally abusive man who continues to make my life miserable as we have a child together so I have to have contact with him; and since Christmas last year, things have been even worse. I've hit rock bottom many times. I've tried mindfulness, meds, counseling, alcohol and a host of other things. Nothing really works for me. I try to use music via earphones to drown out memories of my new BF cheating on me and the constant thoughts relating to my body dysmorphia. That isn't helping much either. I'm tired and I just want some peace and simplicity in my life. I'm not doing well at work and I just finished uni and now I'm scared to death that I'm not ready to use this degree which will increase my responsibilities at work and I'm not ready for it, but I can't continue in my lesser position once I'm registered. I have to step up and I don't think I can. I sit at the kitchen table staring out the window, and I have only been able to cry when intoxicated for a long time. Sorry for the lengthy post - admin are free to crop it to their discretion. I'm just feeling so worthless and no treatments have been working.

[Willow30]

Hi, not sure who if anyone will read this... But I need to talk and have no one to talk to because no one understands - so I thought this seemed like a good place to head. I have tried counselling in the past and although I have found it helpful to have someone to listen, I simply can't afford it as an ongoing thing. 

This has been going on for such a long time-YEARS- so it's difficult to even know where to start. 

One of my biggest problems, among the so many others, is self-loathing. I just want to know how to learn to like yourself and stop comparing myself to others, feeling inferior, feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm ugly, fat, hating on myself for everything. Including beating myself up even more for being this way when I wish I wasn't, so that I just get angry and so miserable that I'm horrible to be around. My husband then gets frustrated with me for being such a downer and snaps at me with sarcasm about what "a joy" I am to be around. Awesome. My family are so mean to me about being miserable. Like I choose to be this way?! 

Because of the stigma around mental illness I have no one to talk to. It's scary to admit you might be suffering, and it's even harder because if you do manage to let yourself bring it up and try to talk to people I get "you're so wrong, mental people don't know they're mental so you can't be"  and "you're just convincing yourself you have a problem you don't have. Stop reading up about things and don't worry about it"  yep. Super helpful. 

 anyone relate or know how to help me?

[Willow30]

I can TOTALLY relate to you. 

If if you break it down I have nothing to be "depressed" about, which is half the battle. I don't know why j feel the way that I do. 

I have a house, am building a brand new one, a beautiful 18 month old daughter, a husband, am running a (relatively as its new) successful business, am pretty fit and in good health.... I have good friends, family...

but I hate myself. I'm always sad and miserable and I don't know why and I don't want to be but can't help it. 

[Thisisnotmyrealname]

Hi to the kind people who are reading this, 

It is difficult to know where to start, not because there's so much history to explain, but because everything looks great on paper, so why do I feel so down and so anxious most of the time? 

 I'm a 25 year old female, nurse and midwife, studying and working in ICU, having moved with my long term boyfriend to a country town this year for both of our jobs. Doing well at work, making friends, relationship is good..... I generally feel best at work, probably as it keeps me busy and distracted and gives me a sense of purpose and achievement. However I have always struggled most in my time off. I wake up squirming with anxiety every morning, nauseas, diarrhea, wish I could just curl up until I feel better. Don't have much of an interest in anything outside of work, then tell myself how boring I am, cultivating low self worth and self esteem. It's a push to do anything, get out of bed... Try to get myself to exercise, socialise.... I feel like it's this early self defining crisis, which makes me feel like everyone is happy and worldy and interesting and I'm not. I also fear burdening people by telling them especially as it's a small town and new friends here, I don't want to scare them off. I have told a handful of people, and my poor boyfriend has put up with a lot of tears. I am getting counselling and currently changing medication. I feel like I've tried everything to little benefit, cognitive behavioural therapy wise.... Lots of writing exercises to tackle thoughts and feelings, meditation, making myself exercise, to little effect over months. I find when I do have spare time, I waste it worrying about the future. About money, my career, if I have any reply friends, how my whole life will pan out... I suck at enjoying the moment, I don't even know what I enjoy. 

  I just feel really alone in the way am feeling, and really sick of having to work so hard at it. It's comforting knowing I'm not the only one however, browsing through some of these discussion boards. I really feel for all of you. Thanks for any TLC in advance. 

[Cass1]

Hi everyone,

I'm a new member. I'm 25 and from the Brisbane area. I'm a carer for my partner who suffers from depression.

He has been going through a really stressful time and is starting to show signs of entering what I feel is a bad depression period.

I have been doing some things to try to help him including making sure that I ask him how he is feeling each day, when he opens up that I actively listen to what he is saying and reassure him that I hear what he is saying, I do little things like taking care of the house work and being responsible for paying bills so he doesn't feel pressured.

But sometimes I feel overwhelmed. When I feel this I then feel guilty for not being strong enough. I don't want my partner to know because I know that he will think that he is to blame.

I don't currently have anyone to talk about this. 
I don't talk to my friends about it as I know my partner feels ashamed about having depression and I want him to know that he can trust me and that he won't feel like he is being judged by others.

I joined to learn more about how I can help him, to seek support from other carers and to learn what services are out there.

Thanks for allowing me to post in the forum and for providing this site for people.

[White_Rose]

Dear Cass

Thank you for posting here and welcome to the forum. Being a carer is a huge and hard job. Congratulations on doing this for your partner.

How much do you know about depression? BB has a large collection of information about this, including information carers. It would be well worth your time to read up on this subject. Click on The Facts and Resources tabs at the top of the page and explore the drop down lists. You will find the information for carers under Resources.

There are two things I noticed about your post. "making sure that I ask him how he is feeling each day, when he opens up that I actively listen to what he is saying and reassure him that I hear what he is saying," As a person with depression I find it irritating to be asked constantly how I am feeling. It's like a report card and I am expected to show an improvement every day. I know this is not your intention. You want him to know you care, that you are interested in how he feels. Have you had the 'flu? Can you remember what it felt like to have someone constantly asking how you felt?

Take your cue about how your partner feels by what he says and does. Listening to him and saying you understand is great but you need to demonstrate your understanding and address his needs. For example, if says he is bored, what do you do? I would suggest a walk or going through the bills or another activity that is of value to him. If he is talking about his feelings, how the depression affects him and his anger, despair, shame etc. saying you understand does not help. In reality, unless you have been there it really is difficult to understand. Just accept what he says and ask what he would like you to do to help him.

Sometimes all the person wants is to talk about the Black Dog and what it does. They do not want understanding, largely because you do not really understand. Just to be listened to and accepted for what they are.

Secondly you said, "I do little things like taking care of the house work and being responsible for paying bills so he doesn't feel pressured." That's really lovely to do this. If you want your partner to feel valued, to help with the shame pain, let him be part of the household chores. Stop being protective. He needs to feel capable. He may then be able to tell others of his illness and gain support from others. A larger support circle is always better if possible.

Please start your own thread under Depression so that your posts and replies will stay together in one place.

Mary