Members new and old, introduce yourselves here

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is (what will hopefully become) a mega-thread for members, new and old, to introduce themselves.  I'll kick off:

My name is Chris Banks and I’m the online communities manager at beyondblue. Basically, I’m here to help out, contribute to discussions, and answer any questions you may have about beyondblue. I work with a team of moderators behind-the-scenes who keep the forums running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I’m 37, originally from New Zealand, and have worked as a filmmaker, journalist, and musician.  I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in the mental health sector too. I have lived experience of bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety, and have been living in Melbourne for nearly two years. In my spare time I enjoy movies, music, hanging out with mates, and I barrack for Hawthorn, much to the disgust of some of our regular members!

I’m not a psychologist or counsellor (although I have seen a fair few of them), so I can’t give medical advice. Like everyone else here, I can provide peer support only.
I really enjoy being part of the community and virtually meeting the many different people of all ages who come through everyday, even if they're not feeling the best when they arrive on the doorstep. Hopefully in your time here you'll feel less alone, and pick up some tips and encouragement for the journey.  

(passes on the talking stick)

PLEASE NOTE: This thread is for introductions only, if you have an issue you would like to discuss ongoing with the community, please start a new thread with your topic in the appropriate section.

[T_John]

Hi

My first time here. I need to write. I need to blab, babble, waffle. I don't care if no one reads this, it's a first step back to normalcy in my latest bout of blue. ( Though it's more grey or black, you know what I mean )

Last night was the lowest I've been in many years. I've suffered from this damn sadness for most of my 50 years and after opening up to a friend on the phone last night and crying for an hour I've taken the first step today to once again get these feelings under control. 

I'm a professional man with a 20 year career in TV, I own a great apartment, I have family and friends who love me regardless but I'm so damn sad I can barely function. The energy I put into appearing bright, happy and cheerful is exhausting. I've lost my ability to be social, things I enjoyed mean nothing, I spend most of my free time alone and my internal dialogue is persistent to the point of madness.

I know I'm a good person. I know how lucky I am. I know I have a job that others are envious of. I know my family and friends would do anything for me. But most of all I know that every day, every single day I go head to head with a monster that will devour me if I take my eyes off it for a split second.

 I 'came out' 15 years ago after living a straight life and that caused a few issues as you could imagine. However after the initial shock 99% of people didn't care and life just went on its merry way. I did take a nose dive after a life changing event soon after and was put on antidepressants which I've taken ever since. I've had a couple of partners over the years but after opening up to them about my underlying depression they've run a mile which only exacerbated the issue for me. Needless to say those experiences left a scar and I've been single for quite a while which adds yet another dimension to the feelings of worthlessness.

After a disagreement with a long time work colleague last week I spiralled out of control into a place I haven't been in many months. It was the final straw in many months of that downward slide into black.

 Just when you think you've got it under control....

[scottisha]

Hi RF75,

I have been in pretty much the same boat. Wife traveling often with work, good job, likes a drink. I was Mr Mum, part time job and the guy who picks up kids and looks after them when sick.  Dumped. I sought help from a mens help line, which was excellent. We stayed together due to kids and over time, relationship went into a friendly truce. Life is Ok because i grew more comfortable with the alternative life that she presented me with. In that world i began to feel like i was finding myself again. I felt stronger. It does suck but there are positives. Get help to find them.

[Freud]

Hi all,

 I'm here like most other people, because I cannot help myself all the time. Just by reading some of the stories and replies from the community, I'm feeling better, as today like the last couple of days I've been spiralling downwards with feelings, thoughts and emotions and today I almost broke out in tears while choosing what cheese to buy at the supermarket. Just writing it feels weird. Telling people you don't know secrets about yourself should be easier, especially if online and within a community of people that feels the same, however I still a sense of shame in telling how I really feel, maybe because I kinda lead a double life, where I show a mask to everybody from family to friends, and I decide what I let them see, when and how. It's hard work, I guess that's why I feel depressed and anxious in situations that I cannot control.

Anyway, my problems are many, so I would have to start a thread for each one of them, but just registering here made me feel better about myself, and letting out my emotions feels liberating and reinvigorating. However, (and here it comes the negative) I know this is not a cure for what I'm going through.

My problems so far in a pill size:

anxiety meeting new people (if their personality doesn't make you feel part of the group right away)

anxiety in meeting women (terrible because you're the only ones to know I haven't intimate contact with women for 8 years now..I could definitely be a priest by now 🙂 )

Anxiety from unemployment in the field I studied, and done lots of unpaid work experience, which leads to depression.

Depression from the fact that even though I have a Masters degree I cannot get a job even at the lowest scale of my profession.

Depression from being an Italian immigrant in a country that says I am Australian citizen, but people everyday makes me feel like I arrived with a boat and I should leave as soon as I can.

Depression from the fact that if I don't get drunk or drink alcohol, I cannot make friends and I'm a loner.

Depression from the fact that I get bullied by neighbours for parking in a public car space, just because they reckon that since the car space is in front of their house, it's theirs and I cannot park there.

Anxiety from job interviews that I always get wrong.

Depression from being racially and verbally abused in the water surfing.

I used to be the most friendly person, the one all the girls wanted back ta school, the one who knew everybody and had a big smile.

Thanks

[Kasee]

Hi there, 

thus is my first post here on the BB forums.  I'm forever looking for comfort, answers, reassurance, validation about by journey with anxiety which started 5 years ago...... I am so sick of it and myself, but determined to bit let it beat me. Look forward to chatting on here. 

[MiseryBlues]

Hi everyone, 

 Nervous first post...Here goes...I am a early 30s woman who has suffered Major Depressive Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder for about 18 years. I first saw a psychiatrist when I was in my early teen's when my Mum took me, as I was depressed. I was bullied every single day of school about my appearance. I was put on antidepressants straight away, and have been off and on (mostly on) a whole bunch of medications since. 

I have experienced a lot of grief with the passing of both parents to cancer, my Dad when I was 19 and my Mum when I was 25. I was very close to my Mum. I have older siblings who I was close with growing up. The whole family dynamic has changed now, and all sorts of crises have arisen. 

I suffered a near death experience myself less than a year after my Mum passed. I have a few health issues from that as well as being diagnosed with PTSD months afterwards. I was diagnosed as suffering my third recurrence of PTSD earlier this year. 

I have thoughts of grief, loss, death, suicide just about every day, but haven't self-harmed since last year some time. That was more something I did in my teens. I don't want to end my life, as I have a very caring husband, but sometimes it feels like the only answer to this intense heartache and pain. I really am struggling to understand just how many times you are completely broken.

There are other major things that have happened in my life too, its all too much to be honest. I reached breaking point today and couldn't go to work, after spending the weekend so depressed, unable to leave the house. I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, I am terrified of what anyone thinks, I don't know what to do anymore. My current psychiatrist has been less than helpful 😞 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[PFD]

Hi I'm PDF,

I got pushed in this direction by my boss of all people. Lately I'm finding it incredibly difficult to sleep, wake, eat. It is affecting pretty much every part of my life.

I have been dealing with a Gambling addiction which until recently was under control. Shitty work life balance I guess brought all the sting back again. I'm trying to deal with working for over a year in a job that I can barely survive in. 80% of my pay goes to paying off my gambling debts of the past 10 years and it will keep going that way for the next 10 years to come.

One of the worst things about your employer knowing you have an issue is they told me openly that "I can't be trusted with money" and that is why I can't get  any more pay. Ironic given that is the main cause of my constant grief and angst for work.

I guess the constant reminder of working 9-5 and often longer hours all to pay off something my stupid younger self did doesn't give me a lot of prospects, nor does it offer any solution other then to bury my head in the sand. 

I honestly don't have much hope for anything happening on here, but hey.

[tyga]

Hi. I'm a 38 year old  woman who has been living with anxiety and depression for 20 years. I am hoping to be able to share, vent and empathise with others on here.

[White_Rose]

Dear Misery Blues

Hello. Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for sharing your story. It may seem strange but it really helps to share your thoughts and experiences and to read of others' experiences. I hope we can support and help you on your journey.

Like you, I have death and loss to grieve and mourn, plus the frequent thoughts of self harm. Not because I seriously have any intention of hurting myself, but because it helps me get through the day. My psychologist knows about this and tells me that having these thoughts gives us a feeling of control over our lives. I know when everything gets really dark, hurts like hell and becomes too overwhelming and I want to get away in way I can, this sort of thinking gives an illusion of control. I know that this is the case and I know it is not really an option, but there is a perverse sort of comfort. Then I get my strength and courage together and move on.

We are all broken in some way, which is sad, and I often wonder if the whole human race is also broken. But our concern is with ourselves and how to live the best life possible. Having the comfort of a loving partner is great, but unless he has experienced what you are going through it is hard for him to understand how despairing you feel. So that is a very good reason for writing in here and talking to others who have been there.

BB has some very good information on depression both for you and for your family. Explore the tabs at the top of the page, especially The Facts and Resources. BB will sent any of this information you want. Perhaps your husband may care to read the booklet for family and friends. When life gets too out of control, try phoning the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636. People are available 24/7.

Have you considered finding another psychiatrist? I went to one for many years and he was hopeless. Trouble is, he was the first psychiatrist I had seen, and the last, so I had no idea if he was useful or not. Consider having a chat to your GP about this and see what he/she thinks. My GP is fantastic and very choosy about who I get referred to for anything. It's not much point, in my opinion, seeing anyone who does not help you.

If you would like to continue chatting, please consider starting your own thread in Depression. The drawback to writing in Orientation is that posts and answers get lost among everyone else's posts. Also read the threads in depression and perhaps you could join in the conversations. I find it a help to talk to others.

Mary

[liwymi]

Hi everyone, thought I should introduce myself.

I'm 26 and started really feeling the symptoms of my depression in March this year. I ended up dropping out of my psychology honours year (I wasn't too sure about doing it in the first place anyway) to try and look after my health as first priority. I was so relieved once I made the decision - my mood, energy and motivation skyrocketed. However, after a week or two it crept back and since then I have good weeks and bad weeks, or good days and bad days.

I don't feel ready to take medication right now. I'm not suicidal at all. I would rather try and manage this through diet/lifestyle approaches personally at this point. I also have PCOS and have had some energy issues for a while now (though nothing like the lack of energy I feel when depressed). I have been seeing a psychologist at the uni but it's now time to move on from there so I've got an appointment this week with a psychologist outside the uni. I've started to open up a bit more with friends and family too.

Hoping to find some good advice and support through this forum. I will find the appropriate areas to post in 🙂

[Juggler]

HI all

I am a 49 year old male living just outside Brisbane. I have had depression since I was a child and apart from a couple of bad spots I have always coped with it by myself however for about a year and a half I have had trouble dealing with it and spent the time basically totally in depression and going through various different anti depressants and changing doctors multiple times.

I am now in a good place just over a week ago I was diagnosed being diabetic I was given a testing kit and put on diabetes medication which has lifted the depression however I also have sleeping problems and the night before last I did not take my meds when I woke up I felt a bit down and as the day when on I dropped pretty fast. I got pretty scared at the thought of missing 1 tablet would make me drop so much. I really needed someone to tell me it would be ok. I have no support system and no faith in the doctors I have so I made a couple of posts here and I got the support I needed both from the replies I received and reading other people posts  and it got me through the day. Of course I made sure I took my meds last night and I have woke up just 4 hours later and I feel pretty good